I Lost Myself Trying To Save My Marriage

[00:00:15] Catch us the little foxes. [00:00:18] They're feasting on our run their crew. [00:00:28] Hello. [00:00:29] I am so glad you are joining me today. This is Shanna Williams. I'm your host today. This is the Marriage Altar podcast. And today you are only going to be getting me. [00:00:42] Mike is not going to be with me today, unfortunately. He's just not able to make it. He's got too much going on with work. [00:00:50] And so I decided, hey, let's try something a little bit different. [00:00:55] So today's episode, it's just going to be mean. Honestly, this is something. Honestly, it's been in my heart for a while because I want to talk to some of you out there who are in the same situation that I was in, and you are the betrayed spouse. [00:01:14] Let's have an honest conversation. You and I, like, we are just sitting down, having some coffee together. [00:01:21] Because if you and I were sitting together and we were having coffee, I know exactly how you feel, and I would be real with you, and I could totally relate to what you have been through, more than likely. So if you. If you are listening to this for the first time and you've never heard our story, I would encourage you to go back and listen to our very first episode. It tells the story of what happened to us. It is a very powerful story. But. But basically, in a nutshell, we were. [00:01:53] We went through a very catastrophic, traumatic story. And I found out through a series of events that my husband Michael had been unfaithful, and that led to a suicide attempt. [00:02:09] And fortunately, God intervened and Mike got the help that he needed. He was diagnosed with complex PTSD from years and years and years of being in the military and being in combat and some. A lot of things that I did not know because a lot of that happened before he and I got married. [00:02:31] We got married about five years ago. [00:02:34] Yeah, almost five years. And so a lot of his past and his history all, of course, happened before we got married. So I did not know. [00:02:43] A lot of his traumatic. The events that happened in his life were so long ago, and I thought he had gotten the help that he needed, and he was really good at covering it up. [00:02:55] So any. Anyway, our story is extremely unique in that we have. [00:03:04] Although it's hard and difficult, we. We do have kind of a happy ending. And. And it breaks my heart because when I tell people I do get to meet with women sometimes, and I tell them and they. They say things like, wow, you. You have the happy ending that I wanted. And they have tears in their eyes, and they almost sound a little Bit angry at God because they didn't get that happy ending. And that breaks my heart, it really does. But I always try to just encourage them that you didn't get that happy ending in that one. But I still believe God has something else for you. Because my first marriage did not end that way. [00:03:41] It was. It was sad. It was very sad the way that my first marriage ended. And it wasn't what I would have chosen. [00:03:48] And. And, you know, I know that we all have sob stories and very sad stories to tell about things that have happened in our life. And I don't know that I would have chosen what happened to me. I. I wouldn't change it, what happened, but for Mike and myself, because I've seen the fruit of what we've been through, and I've seen what God's done in his life. It was so, so hard and so challenging. But I just pray that if you're listening to this, that in some way our stories and encourage encouragement to you that God can do anything, that he can take any story and he can absolutely. He can take any terrible, awful story, and even in the middle of it, he can change it if people are willing to surrender to him, which is exactly what Mike did, and it's exactly what I did. We both had to surrender in different ways. Mike had to surrender his life to God, to Jesus, and I had to also lay down my life in a different way. [00:04:52] But we had to make God the center of our marriage in order to make it work. And we're still doing that every day. [00:05:00] But today I do want to speak directly to people, the spouse that's been betrayed in the marriage. And I want to give you some hope. [00:05:10] But something that I noticed that happened to me was that I lost myself trying to save my marriage. [00:05:20] And that's very common. I see that in a lot of people's stories, is that we get so caught up in trying to save our marriage or save our partner, our spouse, that we completely lose ourselves. [00:05:39] And I don't think this gets talked about enough when it comes to betrayal in marriage. [00:05:44] It's not just about what they did, because your spouse did do that, but it's what happens to you after the betrayal. [00:05:52] Because what I noticed is that I got through the moment that it happened. [00:05:59] It was awful. Don't get me wrong. I mean, even when I think about it now, the sick feeling in my stomach that I had for weeks, the sleepless nights that I had, I couldn't eat, I couldn't think. [00:06:18] I can't even describe the feeling that you have when you find out the person that you love so much has been living a double life. [00:06:28] It's. [00:06:29] Yeah, it's horrible. [00:06:31] It's. It's. It's the worst feeling in the world. It feels like someone has stabbed you in the stomach and there's. There's no other feeling like it and you just can't function as a human being. But it's. That's bad, but it's what happens after. It's. It's the months and even the years after that that are so hard because you. It's not that you didn't just get hurt. It's like you start to disappear. It's like who. The person that you were starts to disappear. And. And some. You know, one day you just wake up and you're like, I don't even know who I am anymore. Like, that girl is gone. I would even tell that to Mike. I would say, I don't even know who I am anymore. [00:07:16] I would. I would cry. And. And the things that used to bring me joy brought me no joy. Music brought me no joy. Writing brought me no joy. Nothing brought me joy. [00:07:26] I just cried. And sometimes I couldn't even cry. I was just numb. I don't know if you can relate to that. I mean, that's straight up textbook depression, you know, And I was on, and I still am on Wellbutrin. I was getting counseling. Sometimes, you know, he and I were going together. I was doing all the things you're supposed to do. I was praying. I was seeking the Lord. [00:07:48] But I had lost myself in that. All I did was watched him. [00:07:56] All I did my whole life was about watching him. Because when betrayal happens, everything in your life shifts. Your thoughts change, your emotions change, Your sense of safety is gone. So you're living in fight or flight non stop. [00:08:14] Because all you do, you're naturally your. Your shift just begin. Your focus just begins to shift to the other person. Your spouse. What are they doing? What are they? Who are they talking to? Are they being honest? Is it happening again? I mean, the thoughts, it's a loop. It's a never ending loop in your brain of what's the other person doing? Did they lie? [00:08:34] Did they lie about what they had for lunch? Did they meet somebody at lunch? [00:08:38] Did what they. Did they do more than they told me they did? Do I even know who this person is? Is this person? [00:08:45] Is their name? Is that even really their name? I mean, those are the kind of thoughts that you think I remember. And even occasionally, it still happens now because it takes time and it takes dedication and it takes the Lord. But I remember waking up in the middle of night with just random thoughts that my brain would just be like, trying to piece things together. And so I would wake up with questions in the middle of the night that seemed to. So disconnected from anything, just about a detail, something that didn't make sense to me that he. He told me. And I would be like, well, that didn't make sense. And my brain would wake me up and be like, you know, this doesn't match up to what he said. So maybe this is not true. My brain was trying to reconstruct the story and it wanted to make sense. And this would drive me insane. [00:09:32] The never ending loops in the middle of the night and during the day. And then there's the. [00:09:38] The, you know, driving through a town that would. Would trigger me. You know, certain specific towns or restaurants or movies or songs trigger me. Even now I have to work through the triggers of that. At the gym, if there's a girl there that if I think she's pretty and if she. If she walks by him, I'm like, did he look at her? You know, I mean, that kind of stuff, it's like, it drives you insane. [00:10:08] And at first, you know, after a betrayal, you know, you can. You kind of rationalize that. Okay, that makes sense. [00:10:15] You're trying to. You're trying to make sense of something that broke your world. [00:10:21] And. But what no one really tells you is that if you're not careful, your entire world will start revolving around what this person, your spouse, did. [00:10:31] Like, okay. Okay, you can understand for a few months. [00:10:36] Yeah, you're watching everything they do. They said you're getting counseling, but good Lord, a year after it happened, that's still all you do. You're watching your spouse. You got. You got them pulled up on Life360. Where are they going? What time did they leave? Do they make any detours? And I mean, I even. I even called Mike a couple times. I'm like, why? Why did you. Why did you go that route? Like, that wasn't a straight shot. Why did you do that? You're like, oh, there's road construction. I'm like, oh, really? Are you sure? I mean, that's. [00:11:05] That became like the worst version. I hate when people say this, but I came the worst version of myself, you know, And I didn't even know who I was anymore. And. And I lost that creative, artistic person that I was, which is such a huge part of who I am. I quit doing the Podcast. I quit. And I have another one, by the way, besides this one. I quit writing songs. I quit working on the books that I was writing. When this all happened at the end of 2024, I believe I had already. I was in the middle of writing a beautiful book. [00:11:39] And all of that stopped because at the heart of who I really am, and I'm an author, I'm a writer, and that stopped. And so I lost that part of myself that creates. And when I don't have an outlet to create, I kind of start dying inside. So I begin to just really disappear because all I did was watch him. [00:12:02] And so before you realize it, you're not even paying attention to yourself anymore. You're not. You're not exercising, you're not doing. You know, for you, maybe it's like you're not going outside and doing anything you enjoy. You're not getting sunlight. You're not doing just basic things that make you happy. You're not going for walks. You're not going to the beach. You're not doing anything. Anything. You're not going out with your friends. You're not getting a pedicure or manicure or massage or whatever it is that you enjoy. You're not doing any of it. How could you? You don't have time. All you have time to do is watch your spouse. You have to make sure they don't betray you. This is classic fight or flight behavior, right? [00:12:44] Because you don't feel safe. [00:12:46] So if you don't feel safe, you're. You're. You're in overdrive. You're. You have to make sure they don't do it again, right? And that makes sense in the first, you know, stretch of time after it happens. But at some point you have to say, I cannot live like this anymore. [00:13:03] You know, I mean, it doesn't happen all at once. It's subtle. You start checking things. More you. You think about it. More you replay conversations. I cannot tell you how many conversations got replayed in my mind. [00:13:16] You read into everything. I cannot tell you how many pictures of text messages that I replayed in my mind and reconstructed. And I deleted them all out of my phone because screenshots were sent to me and. And I reconstructed them and thank God, I deleted everything out of my phone because I drove myself crazy with it. [00:13:36] I became so hyper aware of everything, and it hijacked my brain. [00:13:42] It hijacked my brain. That's the best way I know how to describe it. I lived in survival mode. It robbed me of sleep. [00:13:55] I gained Weight. Well, actually, I lost and gained weight. [00:14:00] I lost weight because I wasn't eating. [00:14:03] And then I gained some weight because I couldn't stop eating because I was so overwhelmed. And I stopped working out. And then I got on a really restrictive diet and stopped. Just starved myself and lost weight. It was just back and forth. It was, yo, yo. It was crazy. [00:14:23] You're. Because, you know, the thing is, you're trying to protect yourself from being blindsided again. But the problem with that is your entire focus becomes the spouse. Your spouse that betrays you, and you slowly. You're slowly stop showing up for your own life. So you're, you know, more. You don't care about yourself anymore because you don't have time. [00:14:42] You know, your peace is gone. Your clarity is gone. Your identity is just completely skewed and messed up. And it becomes a trap. It becomes a trap for yourself. [00:14:53] And the thing is, what's so confusing about it is it feels like you're doing the right thing, right? It feels like, well, I have to do this because this is going to prevent it from happening again. It feels like I just need to stay aware. I need to keep my guard up. I need to make sure this never happens again. [00:15:09] But what's actually happening is you're living in reaction mode. [00:15:15] Everything you do, everything you think is tied to what they did or what they might do. And at some point, you have to ask yourself, when did my life become completely about managing someone else's behavior? [00:15:33] That is not a marriage. [00:15:37] That's not a marriage, and that's not a life. And you can't live that way forever. And I think for me, that was. That was my turning point. I finally got tired of it. And I remember I had booked a counseling appointment with this random woman I found online through my insurance company. You know how you can get, like, quote, unquote, free, free counseling, therapy appointments? And I noticed that she was a Christian on her. [00:16:03] On her profile. And I just. There's something about her that just stood out to me. And I just felt like the Lord was like, she's the one. And so I booked the appointment. And I could just tell right off the bat with that she was the one I was supposed to. And she was just. I mean, there's just like a light on her. You know, I could just tell that God was speaking through her, and she was just quoting scripture and some of the things she was saying. But basically the whole gist of what she said is she. She said, you have got to find yourself again. You have lost Yourself, because all you are doing is watching him. You have got to turn him over to the Lord. [00:16:41] Because I was telling her, yeah, I mean, one of the accountability things we have is I have the live360 on my phone so I can see where he's at. And she was like, you need to stop. And I'm like, what? She's like, you need to stop. Like, that's a trap for you. You understand that, right? That's not trust. If you have to constantly see where he's at, then that's not trust. [00:17:01] And I'm like, oh, okay. [00:17:04] So, like, I have to trust him. She's like, you have to trust him. I'm like, I don't know that I can trust him. [00:17:11] And then she's like, well, then that's not a marriage. And I'm like, oh, my God. I don't. [00:17:17] I don't know if I can do this. You know? But here's the thing. And what I had to finally realize was like, I have to hand him over to the Lord, and I have to trust the Lord. I have to trust the Lord to handle this. [00:17:32] And what I had to remind myself is, okay, the Lord brought this out before, and if there's something that needs to come out, the Lord's going to bring it out again, and I can trust him to do it. He did it before, he'll do it again. [00:17:43] See, that's the beauty of bringing the Lord into your marriage, is it's a threefold cord that's not easily broken. And when he's in the marriage, which he is now, and I think he's always been. But there's no secrets in our marriage now. And the Lord is so in the middle. Mike can't lie to me about anything, y'. All. It's so hilarious. Now he. He can't lie to me about, like, if he eat stops and get. Gets a donut or something, he tries to, like, not tell me. And then he breaks down later and tells me that he stopped and ate a donut. Or he told me the other day, he was like, I can't. I can't hide this anymore. He's like, I got really mad the other day because this guy slammed his car door into my truck. And he said, so when he walked off, I slammed my door into his truck, too. And then he just. I feel so much better since I told you. I'm so sorry. I mean, we were pulling up into the church parking lot, and he said, I just had to tell you or something like that. He said, I just. I had to repent. I'm so sorry. I mean, like, he cannot keep secrets anymore because God completely, like, wrecked his life. [00:18:48] I'm not saying that he could never lie to me again, but I am saying that the conviction of the Lord is so strong on him now because he's so. [00:18:58] He's just in love with the Lord. And. And that was always my prayer, was, God, let him fall in love with you the way that I love you, you know, even greater, or however you want to phrase that, like, let him love you that way, Lord. Because when you love someone like that, it's really hard for you to do things that hurt them. [00:19:21] You know, it's not about. [00:19:23] It's not about religion and trying not to go to hell. I mean, I don't. [00:19:28] I don't. I'm not a Christian because I'm trying to avoid hell. I'm a Christian because I love God. I'm a Christian because I love his son. [00:19:36] I'm in love with his son. I'm in love with him. He's amazing to me. And when you are a Christian for that reason, it really changes. [00:19:44] Like, I don't sin because I have to try real hard not to sin. I don't sin because I don't want to sin. [00:19:52] Every once in a while, yeah, we all have some little vice or silly, stupid thing we struggle with, but for the most part, it's not. It's not enticing to me. I don't have to try real hard to not sin. And that's where Mike's at now. It's not an enticement to him because God delivered him of it. So I think that now I know that about him, that God delivered him. And so I can trust that now because it's a different thing than what was going on before. But that turning point for me, and this is the turning point that you've got to get to, for you, is you have to. You have to come up to a moment. And I think it's different for everyone where you start to realize, just like I did, I cannot keep living like this. [00:20:38] And it's not because everything is fixed. [00:20:43] And it's not because you truly, fully, fully trust them again. Remember, I didn't fully trust him, but it's because you're exhausted. [00:20:50] And that's where healing actually starts. Remember I said I got so tired of trying to fix him or trying to be like this. I don't know what I was, helicopter wife or something, I don't know. But I couldn't do it. I could not be his Holy Spirit anymore. I could not save him. [00:21:12] I had to give him to the Lord. And you've got to get to that point. [00:21:16] And you know what? It's almost like being his mother. And he did. He doesn't need a mom. He has a mom. That's disgusting. I'm his wife. [00:21:24] And it's hard to, like, respect it on. I respect my husband or honor him if I'm trying to be his mom. And it's hard to be attracted to him if that's what I'm trying to do. So I feel like handing him over to the Lord and just like, finding myself. That's what I had to do. I handed him over to the Lord. And my. My therapist said, okay, I want you to find yourself again. I want you to do some things that, you know, you love. And so I immediately just started writing again. It wasn't even musical for me, even though I am a musician, really, I started writing. I just picked up and I started writing. And I'm telling you, it was a flip of a switch. And I just felt. Found myself so quickly. [00:22:08] And that's, that's what it could be for. You Stop trying to fix them. Stop trying to fix them. Just for. For a minute. [00:22:18] Find yourself, because that's where your healing is going to start. It's. It's not, you know, trying to make them get it right. [00:22:28] You got to come back to yourself. So what does that look like? And I don't, I don't mean that in a cheesy go find yourself kind of way. I mean, you start asking different questions like, what are. Not what are they doing, but how am I doing? Not can I trust them, but am I okay living like this? [00:22:46] You begin to create space in your mind again. You stop checking every little stupid thing. You stop analyzing every word. Not because you're naive, but because you realize you can't live in that place anymore. You start rebuilding your routines. So that's. That's huge right there. You start rebuilding your routines. [00:23:03] Your time with God becomes personal again, not just desperate. You, you know, like in your prayer times, you're not just begging God to fix them. You start. You start interacting with God on a. More about an intimacy with him between you and Him. Not you constantly asking God to fix your husband or whatever, your wife, whatever. You're just. You're just interacting with Him. You're just in a place of focusing on him. [00:23:31] You and Him. What does he want to say to you? [00:23:35] What is he leading you to pray? About. Stop thinking about your spouse all the time. [00:23:39] Just thinking about him. Just think about the Lord. Just focus on him and not this desperate place of always begging him to fix your spouse. You start remembering what it feels like to just be. [00:23:52] Just be with the Lord and just to be in his presence. [00:23:57] I love that. [00:24:00] And I want to say you focus on building your routines. One of the things I did, I took back control of my life a little bit in that I started building my own routines again. [00:24:13] I started going back to the gym. I started going for outdoor walks because I really like to walk outdoors by myself with, you know, music or podcasts or whatever. And. [00:24:24] And I separated for a while. I went by myself. I got away from. From Mike. I needed that space for a little while because I needed her to reconnect, you know, I needed to establish and find myself a little bit, you know, and maybe that's what you need. Do you like to dance? Do you like to paint? Do you like to draw? Do you like to work out? Do you like to. I mean, what is it that you like to do? [00:24:52] And do you like to do it alone? [00:24:54] Find yourself again. Do that. [00:24:57] Pray. Be with the Lord. Maybe you want to go with your friends. All that stuff helps you find yourself a little bit. [00:25:05] And then there's the faith part. This is where I think a lot of us have to realign because it's so easy to let someone else, Someone else's choice redefine this. But the truth. [00:25:15] The truth is your identity was never supposed to be tied to another person's behavior, not even your spouse. [00:25:23] And they may have broken your trust, but they don't get to break who you are. [00:25:28] Let me say that again. Your spouse may have broken your trust, but they don't get to break who you are. That was something my counselor said to me. She said, your. Your destiny, all the things that God's called you do and who you are, they're not tied to your spouse. Like, you would be that person with or without your spouse. And you would still have things that God's called you to do with or without your spouse. [00:25:52] And I think that some of you need to hear that. [00:25:55] That doesn't mean God doesn't have things for you to do with your spouse. Of course he does. But you need to see yourself, that you're also a whole person without your spouse. [00:26:07] Yes. God has joined you together with your spouse. Yes. But you're also a person without them. [00:26:15] That has a calling on your life as well. [00:26:18] That means you can also focus on your connection with God and your wholeness in him. And when you have been broken like this, you need to take some time and you need to let God heal you. And you need to realize that that betrayal doesn't get to break who you are and who you are in Christ. And healing doesn't come from controlling your spouse. It comes from being rooted in something deeper than your spouse. See, I think sometimes, and I'm going to say this, and please hear me out, but oftentimes betrayal like this, it can. It can reveal something that hurts a lot. Other than. I mean, obviously it hurts a lot, but it can reveal that maybe we've put too much hope into our spouse. [00:27:09] And that hurts really bad to say that. But what I mean is, have we put salvation, the hope of salvation into our spouse? Have we said marriage and my spouse is what completes me. My spouse is what makes me happy. My spouse is what gives me fulfillment as opposed to Christ, as opposed to my relationship with God. [00:27:31] That's what really fulfills me. That's my salvation. [00:27:36] And I think a lot of people have glamorized their, their marriage because they've looked at the way Hollywood portrays it or what, you know, the world portrays it as the end all as the, this is the, the dream marriage, happily ever after. It's going to, you know, the person completes you and it's going to make all your dreams come true. And, and if you've been in this a while, you know that that's not true. [00:28:06] Only the Lord can really fulfill you in the ways that you need. And to set yourself up by saying that your spouse can do it, you're just going to set yourself up for pain and disappointment because no human being can feel that fill those shoes but Jesus. [00:28:24] So it's going to expose that. If that's something you believe when the other person falls or fails you in some way or they betray you, it's going to reveal that. So that's even another area that you have to work through. [00:28:37] Yeah, that's a lot. So. So what it does not mean. Let's talk about what it doesn't mean. And I want to be really clear. This doesn't mean. Does not mean you ignore red flags. Okay? So I'm not talking about when we're, when we're talking about working through some of this stuff. I'm not talking about ignoring red flags. I'm not talking about pretending everything is fine. I'm not talking about you just let everything go overnight. [00:29:00] That's not what this is. This is about refusing to lose yourself. In the process of trying to save your marriage. [00:29:08] So. So what I'm saying is, yes, still go and work on your marriage with your spouse. Still work through things. Just don't lose yourself in the process. Make sure that you still find time to do things for you. Still. Still don't lose your identity in it. Still do things that you enjoy. [00:29:28] Still carve out those moments to put yourself. I want. I'm not going to say put yourself first, but don't lose your identity because you. You can still fight for your marriage without abandoning yourself. [00:29:41] And I wish somebody would have told me that. I think people tried to tell me that, but I didn't understand because I thought. I thought the Christian thing to do was to put the other person first. And I thought they needed. [00:29:57] They needed help so bad, I just needed to put myself on the back burner. It's the same thing people do when somebody in their life, you know, whether it be their spouse or their parent or whatever, is really sick and they let themselves go because they have to take care of the other person. [00:30:15] And then before you know it, they. Their health is. You know, they're messed up, too. [00:30:22] And it's not that you do it on purpose. It's that you. You just don't feel like, you know, you. You feel like that's the right thing to do. You feel obligated, you know, to do it, and it's. [00:30:35] I understand it. I get it. But at the same time, we have got to. [00:30:41] We have got to take care of ourselves, too, and we have to realize that it's okay. And. And you don't want to lose yourself, and you don't have to abandon yourself just. Just because you're trying to fight for your marriage. I hope this helps today. I mean, if you're in this place right now where you feel like your entire world has been wrapped up in what your spouse did, I just want to gently say you're. You're allowed to come back to yourself. It's not wrong. You're allowed to have peace again. You're allowed to breathe again, even if everything isn't fully resolved yet. And I'm just going to be honest. [00:31:20] It can take a while for everything to be resolved. There are moments, even now, it's been a year and a half or it's been longer, but about a year and a half, where I have questions that pop into my mind. So everything's not resolved in mine, in mine and Mike's marriage. [00:31:36] And you don't. You don't have to have all the answers. [00:31:39] But you do have to stop disappearing. [00:31:44] That's the thing. You do have to stop disappearing in your life and you do have to come back to yourself and find yourself again. [00:31:55] So if this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with someone who might need it. That is the best thing you can do, is to share this with someone who might need it. If you're walking through this season right now, you're not alone in it. You can always connect with me. [00:32:11] You can go to shannawilliams.com themarriagealter if you just go to shannonwilliams.com, you'll see a tab that says the marriage altar. [00:32:19] You can also, if you go to the marriage altar, that tab you can see where we offer some counseling there. [00:32:30] And we also have what's called a boot camp type thing that you can come to us. And it is so cool because it's life changing. It is about two days long and it is so intense. And we get to the root man and we set you up for success in your marriage so that you stop fighting about the same silly things that you keep fighting about over and over and over. We get out of the rut, right? We get you out of that rut and we give you tools to move forward. So if that's something you're interested in, definitely reach out to us. There's a contact form on that page where you can reach out to us and share this episode. Make sure you like and subscribe to on whatever platform you use. [00:33:12] And maybe next time Mike will be with me. We shall see. But until then, you guys have a great week.