Five Things I LOVE About You!

[00:00:15] Speaker A: Catch us the little foxes. They're feasting on our run their crew. [00:00:27] Speaker B: Hello, everybody. [00:00:28] Speaker A: Hey, man. [00:00:29] Speaker B: It has been about three days. [00:00:33] Speaker A: No, three months. [00:00:34] Speaker B: It's been about three months. It's been on here crazy beginning of spring and summer. [00:00:40] Speaker A: You're way too far away from your mind. [00:00:42] Speaker B: Oh, sorry. And be honest with you, it just. [00:00:48] Speaker A: Yeah, well, I thought I bought it several times, but. Yeah. Anyway, so here we are. It is July 5th, so. Yay, July 5th. [00:00:58] Speaker B: Happy July 4th. [00:01:01] Speaker A: That's gonna be a terrible picture. You're trying to take a selfie of us while we're doing a. Yeah, I'm [00:01:05] Speaker B: trying to get a picture of us. [00:01:06] Speaker A: So, anyway, so we have been just going through a lot of stuff. And as usual, as that's about par for marriage. And you know, if your marriage. If you're not going through stuff constantly, you're probably not living on the same planet that we are. Because I feel like even just being a Christian is about. I mean, everybody goes through adversity and trials, but I think when you're a Christian, it can actually be more intensified because Satan constantly likes to throw things at you. [00:01:38] Speaker B: Well, Satan likes to throw things at you. And we get beat down over time. [00:01:44] Speaker A: Right. And that can really affect your marriage. And you can get to a place where you're kind of on autopilot, I think, with it, because you're trying to just get through life. You're just trying to deal with all the other crap that's going on. So you forget, oh, my gosh, I'm married to this person. And then I think what happens is you start to not see the good things anymore in the person, like the reason you married them or the things they do for you. And you start to get really focused on the things you don't like about the person. [00:02:16] Speaker B: Well. And it's really easy to see the things that get on our nerves because anger is such a strong. And if you're not careful, then seeing the things that they don't do is the only things. [00:02:30] Speaker A: Right. And that's why today we're doing an episode and we're calling it 5 Things I Love about you. [00:02:37] Speaker B: Right. [00:02:37] Speaker A: Because what we want to try to do is. And that's a play on the movie that was like, I don't know, it's been like 15 or 20 years to make things hate about you. Because I think that we want to flip that. And because if we take that lens on in our marriage of I hate all these things about you, it really sets the marriage up to fail. I mean, We've been watching that show called Married at First Sight, and these people rip their spouses to shreds. [00:03:04] Speaker B: They did. [00:03:05] Speaker A: I mean, all they do is talk about the things that they hate about the other person. [00:03:09] Speaker B: The show is so terrible. We've gone through five seasons, and we're [00:03:12] Speaker A: just like, oh, my God, our marriage is so amazing compared to these people. So that's. That is make me feel. That does make me feel better, but it also shows me what not to do. [00:03:22] Speaker B: Right. [00:03:23] Speaker A: Or how to be better communicators than I have been. Because I think I lack in communication a lot. [00:03:28] Speaker B: Well, I think we both do. I tend to get caught up in my head about things. You know, I've got four different jobs all going at the same time in my head. And it's just the things that you get comfortable with that you know are going to be there are left. [00:03:42] Speaker A: Right. [00:03:42] Speaker B: You know, and it's not purposely done. It's just. You don't have to worry about it. [00:03:46] Speaker A: Right. But we thought it would be fun to talk about. Okay, how do we retrain our brain? Because if you're in a marriage and you feel like it's gone downhill and there's no spark anymore, you have to reevaluate. Okay, what am I saying about my spouse? What am I thinking about them? Are they all negative thoughts that I have towards them? Because that means you need to make a lens adjustment. Because surely your spouse is not horrible in everything they do. There's got to be some good things that you saw, some qualities that you saw in the beginning that maybe now you're not seeing anymore because of the two or three things they do that get on your nerves. [00:04:25] Speaker B: Yes, ma'. Am. [00:04:26] Speaker A: So we thought, let's talk about negativity bias and how we. How do we get out of that and how we become people who see the good in our spouse. It doesn't mean that you don't have hard conversations. It doesn't mean that you don't talk about, hey, you're doing this thing. And I don't, like, makes me feel this way, whatever. But it's also like retraining your brain to see good instead of always, always seeing bad and the other person. So what do you think about that? [00:04:56] Speaker B: Well, I think that it's really easy, like I said already, when you get stressed out in marriage or when things aren't going well, it's really easy to forget the things that each other is doing to make things better and to focus on that. But you don't see, like, if this idea is playing in my head. You don't see your husband or your wife working the house a whole. [00:05:23] Speaker A: Yeah, you know, you can take it for granted. [00:05:25] Speaker B: You can't take it for granted. But then you need to look at, okay, he's the man. He works in the yard. He does all the yard work. Or she works a house, so her office where she is most of the time. And you're. You have a free day. Well, you know what? You should pick up the load and you should do something. [00:05:43] Speaker A: And you always do that. I mean, that is something I'm so grateful for because I'm not like a normal domestic housewife. And I told you that when we were dating. I said, I don't. Like I'm not normal. I don't. It's not that I can't cook or clean. It's that it's not something that nobody enjoys cleaning. But some people actually enjoy cooking. But I actually hate it. [00:06:04] Speaker B: I love cooking. It's one of the ways that I can relax. [00:06:06] Speaker A: And I think for you, that works out great because you're getting therapy and you're cooking and I don't have to do it. But I'm like, yes, sweet, but. And I'm so grateful for that. But those are the kind of things I think that we stop noticing that our spouse is doing. And it's more about training your heart to see what resentment has made invisible instead of resenting your spouse for all the things that you see that they're not doing anymore or that they're not being whatever. And it really happens a lot when you kind of compare your marriage or your spouse to someone else's spouse and you see part of qualities in their spouse that you like. And you tend. A lot of people do this. They tend to like, why can't you be more like this person's husband? Or whatever? Which is the absolute worst thing you can do. Because if you're a Christian and you really believe that God brought you together with your spouse, then you've got to realize there's a reason he did that, you know? So. Five things I love about you. So I think, Well, let's just say this, okay? Let's say I'll tell you one thing I love about you, and then you can tell me one thing you love about me. [00:07:22] Speaker B: How about that? [00:07:23] Speaker A: We'll give you guys an example of how this can be done. And we don't often do this, I think, where we just come out and say it. But I think we kind of know each other is grateful. But that's not good enough. I think you need to actually tell your spouse what you're thankful for. So something I love about you is how you do look for ways to help me or serve me in some way or just take the load off of me. I mean, I've never, ever had to say, hey, you don't help enough around here ever. [00:07:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:57] Speaker A: And I'm really grateful for that because some people don't have that. [00:08:02] Speaker B: They don't. And like I was saying earlier, you got one spouse that's off a day of work. They could be doing the housework while you're. [00:08:08] Speaker A: Right. [00:08:09] Speaker B: So, I mean, I noticed that. I noticed that if you're in your office, if you're having a really stressful day, then I know that I need to pick up the slack. I need to clean and I need to cook. [00:08:21] Speaker A: That's definitely one of my love language. Acts of service is definitely one of my love languages. And if I come home and you're like, I just mopped the floor, I'm like, oh, my God, I love you. Thank you so much. Because I hate mopping. It. It hurts my back. I always throw my back out when I do it. And that sounds like an excuse, but I'm not kidding. Like, if I mop the entire house, I will throw my back out of whack. And it's, like, not worth it to me. So I'm just like, well, I guess the floor will just be dirty. [00:08:47] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. [00:08:48] Speaker A: Not really. I mean, eventually clean it. I'm just. [00:08:52] Speaker B: Well, I mean, I think we both do a pretty good job. I mean, obviously, I'm looking at across the room, and I see clothes that I packed for our trip to Arkansas two months ago. [00:09:01] Speaker A: Yeah. And they're still laying around. [00:09:03] Speaker B: They're still sitting there. So obviously I have a loose thing in my head where I just forget that I've got loose clothes all over the place. [00:09:11] Speaker A: I mean, you kind of overlook it. Everybody does that. You throw them in the chair, and then you're just like, oh, yeah, there's the chair. The chair. You know, all the clothes go in. But. Okay, what's one thing you genuinely love about me? [00:09:23] Speaker B: I think I love your determination and your steadfast. I guess I'll stay steadfast. Because you don't let life's circumstances, when they arise, you don't let them weigh you down to the point where you give up. You know, everybody knows the reason why we started this podcast, but we wouldn't be together today if it hadn't been for steadfast if it hadn't been for your determination to say, you know what? God got this together. God got us together. And we're going to work on this and see if we can't make it work. 99.9% of the people out there, after everything that I did would be. But you saw my heart and you saw that I was hurt and saw that there were things going on inside of me that were beyond control. And you said, okay, we're going to treat the problem, we're going to take care of, of the problem. And it's just your determination to stay in. It was so inspiring. [00:10:31] Speaker A: Thank you. [00:10:32] Speaker B: You're welcome. I wrote that out [00:10:38] Speaker A: on your phone. [00:10:39] Speaker B: Put it on my little phone here. Yeah. [00:10:42] Speaker A: What else? Okay, let me think of another one. So it's not like I'm trying to think hard. I'm just trying to think of which one. [00:10:50] Speaker B: I was just saying, man, is it. You think that hard. I can smell the rubber burning over here. [00:10:54] Speaker A: I like how sensitive you are to me. Like you can tell you're very. It's strange because you're intuitive and most men are not. But you're very in tune with me. Like if I'm. Something's wrong with me. Like you can tell and you're just like, like sometimes you won't let it go, which kind of frustrates me, but because I'm in my own head trying to figure it out. And you're like, let me in your head with you. And I'm like, no, I want to be by myself. I want to figure this out, you know, But I appreciate that because there's a lot of men, most men do not. They're not in tune with their wife when something's wrong with them. You know, they're just not sensitive in that way. I mean, you cry when we watch [00:11:39] Speaker B: movies. [00:11:41] Speaker A: I mean, you're crying just as much as I am when we watch like some of these bad movies. [00:11:45] Speaker B: Something happened to me in my 50s. Something has happened. Because if I watch a show like a cartoon, like Bambi, I'm gonna cry. Mother gets killed. [00:11:55] Speaker A: I wasn't saying it as a slam. [00:11:56] Speaker B: I was saying I. Even watching the stupid married at first sight thing, I get teary eyed sometimes and I'm like, what am I doing? You know, Go out there and drag my knuckles on the ground a little bit more just to bring my manhood back in. But no, I don't see anything wrong with a guy showing his emotion. You know, anybody that's closed off like that is not going to Be a good partner. [00:12:18] Speaker A: I couldn't be with someone who was not an emotional, sensitive person. Not that I want them to be a reflection of how. Because I'm really emotional. You know that. And I don't want you to be just like me, but I want you to know, have enough of that same quality that you don't judge me when I do have moments where I cry or, you know, or just whatever I'm going. Depression, whatever it is I'm struggling with. I don't feel judged. I feel like you genuinely care about me and you're trying to, like, help me figure out, you know, that's exactly what I'm doing. [00:12:55] Speaker B: You were kind of a hard person to figure out at first because you're not the type of person that likes. Forgive me if I say this wrong, but when you're caught up in your world and you're stressed out, and I can see it on your face, you're not the one who likes the physical. You're not that type of person who wants a hug every time I say my presence. And me talking to you is more important than me coming up to. Am I making sense? [00:13:28] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:13:28] Speaker B: Than me coming up to you and hugging you and telling you everything's gonna be okay. [00:13:31] Speaker A: And I don't really know why. [00:13:33] Speaker B: It took me a long time to [00:13:34] Speaker A: get used to it. I don't understand that. I don't really have a reason, but I just. I prefer, like. It's not that I don't want to be hugged. There are times I do. There are times I want to be hugged. But something. It's like I need something more. I need, like, somebody just sit with me almost, you know, and hear what I'm saying. Help me make sense of it. I guess. [00:13:53] Speaker B: I don't not advise, but just sit there and just be a. Something you talk to. That way you can work it out. [00:14:02] Speaker A: Someone that I can see in their face, they genuinely are like, yeah, I'm so sorry. And, you know, I'm here, and I understand. [00:14:10] Speaker B: Yeah, we had something like that happen last week. It was really. It was really hard for both of us. But, you know, I came in the door, I told you I'm sorry. And we hugged each other from. But then it was just like. The way we heal is we're in the presence of each other and we talk it out. Pride got very emotional about it. But we heal different. You don't require a whole lot of physical. [00:14:45] Speaker A: I go inside of my own world and I deal with things there. I don't. I'm Not a person that so introverted that way, you know? And it's not that I don't want anybody in that space with me. It's just that for a minute, I have to, like, figure out what the heck just happened. [00:15:02] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:15:02] Speaker A: Which is what our situation was like. And I had to breathe a little bit by myself for a minute. [00:15:09] Speaker B: I would bring it up, but I don't know if I can talk about it. So we're just gonna say that was a very bad experience. [00:15:16] Speaker A: Yeah. Very traumatic. And I think it happened so fast. I think that a lot of people, they get in trauma like that. Something might happen to their child or something, and the marriage can't. Can't sustain, because I've seen that a lot. Because they don't. They're both in grief, and they don't know how. The last thing you want to do is help somebody else. When you're grieving like that, you're just kind of lost in your own pain. [00:15:43] Speaker B: Just be around them, you know, you don't always have to have advice to give because everybody grieves different, and everybody goes through it differently. Like, there's the five stages of grief. Well, some people go straight to the end, then they go to the second, then to the fourth, into the first, [00:15:59] Speaker A: or they cycle in between them several [00:16:01] Speaker B: times, and you will hard to. But when you try to put. When you try to put yourself in their shoes instead of just being present in the room, that's when. That's when they. Cause one of those stages is anger. And if you catch a person at the wrong time and they're in the anger mode, then that can cause a huge art. [00:16:25] Speaker A: And, you know, it's not about you trying to fix it, because you can't fix it. Grief, it's a thing that somebody has to walk through on their own. They have to kind of find their way through it. And you can be a support system, and you can hand them Kleenexes and you can give them a blanket or give them a hot meal or whatever, [00:16:43] Speaker B: but you can't make cookies, baby. [00:16:45] Speaker A: Yeah. And we had to figure out, okay, how do you grieve? How do I grieve? But also, I finally just started thinking, I think we need to get out of the house. We need to get. You know, we got to get our mind off of this because it's. It's just. Because I just couldn't take us sitting here anymore like this. And it. And it helped, I think, us starting to get out more and stuff. [00:17:07] Speaker B: Yeah, it helped both of us, because you know that vitamin D is very important for your nervous system and your mood. And I believe that's what's wrong with a lot of people these days, that our jobs force us to. [00:17:19] Speaker A: Yeah, right. [00:17:20] Speaker B: But I like the career that I'm in. Getting in, I'm expanding is because I'm outside and I embrace the vitamin D. But, yeah, you. [00:17:33] Speaker A: Well, I think in our situation and anybody who's gone through trauma and grief, when something like really bad happens, you have to. When you come out of it, you have to establish a whole new life and a new routine. Because with the routine you had before, do it anymore. And so what I'm figuring out. And I don't know if this was the Lord that was showing me this or what, but that's why I immediately said, I got to start going back to the gym. I got us. We got to start doing this together. Let's build a new. Let's establish a new routine. Because doing what we did before can't. Because it just hurt too bad [00:18:13] Speaker B: just thinking about it. Okay, so you have to tell me [00:18:17] Speaker A: something you like about me because I just told you something about me. [00:18:20] Speaker B: Oh, I did. I told you your determination. [00:18:22] Speaker A: Oh, no, you did that one. And then I said I loved your sensitivity. [00:18:26] Speaker B: I love you for giving heart. You know, you are actually the one. One of the biggest things I love about you is your intelligence. Because it's hard to be someone with someone, just not. [00:18:41] Speaker A: Some people don't care. [00:18:44] Speaker B: But, you know, I mean, there's more to life than just. Than just having fun. You know, there are those quiet times when. And you know me, I come up with these off the wall facts and after I tell them for a while, she's like, okay, that's enough. I'll get quiet. Can I tell you two more, please? [00:19:01] Speaker A: I need to tell you two more facts. [00:19:03] Speaker B: And it's about stuff stupid like India or something like that, but I just love your heart. Your heart is so. It's open and you make yourself vulnerable, you know, and you make yourself present most of the time. Now, I understand there are times when you've got work going on and stuff like that that I don't. That I really don't approach you then. But yeah, that's what I love about you. It's just your forgiveness, your forgiving heart. It's got the biggest heart of anyone I've ever. [00:19:36] Speaker A: I think I got that from my mom. [00:19:37] Speaker B: I think you did too. [00:19:39] Speaker A: My dad does too. [00:19:40] Speaker B: Ms. Vicki's pretty awesome, I gotta say. [00:19:42] Speaker A: Just her kind. I'm not I'm not as sweet as she is. I'm more guarded than she is. I think I don't express it very well, and I'm trying to do better in that. You know, when we went through what we went through with you and the suicide attempt, I had this overwhelming feeling that came over me of I wanted the people I love to know that I love them. And I don't know why that came over me, but I was so appreciative of my mom. I didn't want her to be there because it just wasn't a safe environment. But I just was so blown away that she would do that for me. And then Allie being in the middle of it, coming down and, you know, trying to help. Help and everything, it just. I just wanted my family to know that. God, I don't know what I would do without my family. You know what I mean? It was just crazy. [00:20:39] Speaker B: Well, it's good that you. It's good that you and your family are that close, you know? I mean, it really is. And I've come to appreciate your mom and dad and Al, especially Allie. Allie has been nothing. She's never gave me any indication that the alternate dad. [00:20:55] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:20:55] Speaker B: You know. [00:20:56] Speaker A: Yeah, she's been really good. [00:20:58] Speaker B: Yeah. I talk about our ex husband all the time because I kind of adopted him, too. [00:21:03] Speaker A: What a crazy situation. Yeah. [00:21:05] Speaker B: It makes no sense. [00:21:06] Speaker A: It's so much better than hating your ex, you know, I mean, gosh, we have a child together, we have grandchildren together, and I just. I don't want to live like that. And I'm Christian. We're Christians. We shouldn't act like that. So. [00:21:17] Speaker B: Yeah, nobody should. [00:21:18] Speaker A: But. Yeah, so those are a couple of things that we love about each other. And I think. And the thing was, none of those were really physical. It wasn't like, I love your physical appearance, which I do love you. [00:21:28] Speaker B: I do love yours. [00:21:29] Speaker A: And that's what attracted me to you at first. But she liked my muscles. Getting beyond that is. Is the. Is the value. Like the value that you. The values that you share together, I think are huge. [00:21:42] Speaker B: Right. [00:21:43] Speaker A: But also seeing the person for who they really are. [00:21:45] Speaker B: Right. And. And I think it's really important to remember one thing is don't use the things you love about a person as a weapon. [00:21:53] Speaker A: What do you mean? [00:21:54] Speaker B: Well, if you're in the middle or if you guys are having an intense conversation and you start pointing out the things, or he starts pointing out the things that you don't do, and you counteract by yelling at him, well, I love that about you. It's going to kind of take him back a little bit. It's going to make changes because he's gonna say, I'm trying to say this. I'm rusty, guys. I ain't been on here in three months. So when she says that, it's gonna cause him to get angrier because she can say, well, I love that you mother er in a sarcastic way. And it just. If you're gonna tell someone you love somebody something about them, do it with a genuine heart. [00:22:39] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, for sure. [00:22:40] Speaker B: And I love him. That's what I was trying to say. [00:22:43] Speaker A: Well, you know. You know, I was. I've been thinking about this lately too, because when you're watching the show like we're watching the Married at first sight, what you see is people saying horrible. Like when this, when the. It escalates and they're fighting, what you see is the worst possible version of themselves and they're saying horrible things to the other person. And you, you know, I've done that before. When you've been in a fight with somebody and you say things horrible and then they come back and say, well, you must have really felt that way because that's what, you know, you said it. That must have been the truth. But that's not true. What I've learned by watching this show and listening to these experts that they have, you know, the sociologists and the psychologist and the counselor, you say those things because you're in fight or flight and you're going into protection mode. So you're trying to think of the best weapon you have. And sometimes the best weapon you have is something really mean to say to the other person that you know will hurt them. [00:23:36] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:23:36] Speaker A: And so I think if you can see, like when you get in those escalated fights, you're actually in a fight or flight moment. You're not just. You're emotionally. Your brain thinks you're fighting for your life. You feel attacked by the other person. So you're going to do whatever you have to do. Sometimes people run away from the fight. They have a flight moment. Some people fight, they become like bears. And some people freeze and don't say anything. Sometimes I freeze. When you and I would get in heated, I would just kind of freeze for a minute, but then. Then I would unleash the fight. I'm not really more good at it. I'm not a flight person. I'm more of a freeze or fight, usually. [00:24:14] Speaker B: Well, that's why I know we do that. We don't. We can count on One hand, the total number of times. [00:24:19] Speaker A: And it was because of the situation [00:24:22] Speaker B: that's caused us to start this fight. [00:24:25] Speaker A: Yeah, right. [00:24:26] Speaker B: Yeah. But since then, we don't argue. I think that we're both argued out. Previous relationships. [00:24:33] Speaker A: Gosh, we've talked about that. How? I just don't have the strength to argue. And it's not that I don't think we need to address issues. When we do address issues, there's a way to do it where it doesn't have to be a fight because I just don't have the strength for it anymore. [00:24:48] Speaker B: There's a way to approach someone you love and say things to that person that won't hurt their feelings. Because there's sometimes been hard conversations. [00:24:57] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:58] Speaker B: But there's a way to approach them and like, okay, I know I'm guilty of this. I will let things build up. And then all of a sudden, I'm that tea kettle you pour over and. [00:25:09] Speaker A: Yeah, you do. And I'll be like, what in the what? [00:25:11] Speaker B: But I've tried over the past few months or the past year to not let that happen. Do I still do it? Absolutely. [00:25:20] Speaker A: I still do it. No, you don't really do it every once in a while. And it's probably justified because I'm being moody and snappy and You'? You have been snappy all week. And I'm like, what? I kind of know it, but then I'm thinking, I feel like you're being dramatic about it. You're being, like, overdramatic about it. I'm not that bad. And I probably was. I probably was really bad. But there's no excuse for it. There really isn't. [00:25:43] Speaker B: Right. [00:25:44] Speaker A: And if you love the person, you'll take ownership of that and say, I'm sorry that I did that. You know, I mean, even if it's hard for you to say it. [00:25:51] Speaker B: Right. Right. Admitting that you're wrong goes completely against human nature. [00:25:55] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. [00:25:56] Speaker B: But, you know, when you grow up, [00:25:58] Speaker A: you have to grow up if you're going to be married. [00:26:00] Speaker B: Yeah. But there's a big idea is that most marriages don't die because there are zero good things left. They die because the struggle, because the bad becomes louder than the good. [00:26:11] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. [00:26:12] Speaker B: So say your marriage has been on the rock and you guys are arguing about everything, but cooks for you every evening. He takes care of the yard. The yard is nice and landscaped. He washes your car, which I am so bad at. He takes care of the kids while he knows you're working. But when you two come Together, all you do is butt heads. It's really important to take a step back and say, the kitchen's clean, the car's clean. The yard looks amazing. The kids are not dirty. They're not dragging a diaper across the floor like BEI bei's kids. They're not doing stuff like that. They're just. You gotta see the good things. I promise you, if you focus on the bad. And I don't think either one of us have ever done this because we've always known each other had a good heart. [00:26:59] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:27:00] Speaker B: I think that. I think that if you focus on the bad, then. [00:27:05] Speaker A: I think if you think if you focus on the bad, you're gonna keep falling out of love. And I use that loosely. But if you focus on the good, I think you'll continue to fall more in love with that person over the years. I can genuinely say I love you more now than I did. [00:27:19] Speaker B: Oh, absolutely. [00:27:20] Speaker A: Because. And a lot of it's because we went through so much crap together, but [00:27:25] Speaker B: we've been through more crap the past five years than most people go through in a marriage. [00:27:28] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:27:28] Speaker B: It's my fault, you know, I own it. [00:27:31] Speaker A: Yeah. But I can still say, even though it was horrible, I know you better now than I ever would have before. [00:27:39] Speaker B: I know myself better. [00:27:40] Speaker A: Yeah. And that's huge because you can't really be a good spouse unless you truly know yourself and you work through your own crap. [00:27:46] Speaker B: Absolutely. You've got to sit back and say, okay, she's angry, and I've got to understand why. So go somewhere by yourself and just sit there and think, okay, I keep doing this, she says. I keep doing this over and over and over again. What if I give it a genuine effort and not do that? Well, that argument's gone, you know? Okay, you argue about that that day, but then the argument ceases to happen anymore because you're not doing the things that bother her. And if you don't start doing that, eventually her brain is going to start scanning for evidence of things that confirm her frustrations. Like, he never. She always. Why can't they? And you've got to sit back and take each argument as a lesson. I'm not saying you have to write down notes to stare the whole time she's yelling at you. [00:28:40] Speaker A: And I will also say that can be real dangerous because, like, if you were already, like, I'm a person who believes that God. I believe in Providence. I mean, I wrote a book about it, crying out loud. My whole life is based on this principle that God really is guiding and sustaining the destiny of people who choose him. Right. Even some people who haven't chosen him yet, they still have a destiny. So if I believe that, then I have to believe that you came into my life for a reason. I have to believe that God would have. Would have halted it and stopped me from meeting you, or he would have been like, no, but he didn't do that. Because there were moments whenever we were going through all that that I was scared that I had missed God, that maybe the devil had, you know, gotten in there, you know, like sent you and sent God. And I'm just like, oh, my gosh. So I had to choose, like, you know, I had to choose that I knew that God had brought you into my life because he can play with your head in those situations. [00:29:37] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:37] Speaker A: As well. And I was kind of playing off what you were saying a second ago. I don't even remember why I said that. [00:29:42] Speaker B: Yeah, well, the biblical angle is really interesting with this because the apostle Paul, he wrote Philippians 4. 8 and he says, Whatever is true, honorable, just lovely and admirable. Think about this, you know, because it's like I said earlier, it's really easy to start focusing all the negative, but then you miss. But you miss. [00:30:05] Speaker A: You miss. [00:30:06] Speaker B: You miss the blessing of the good. [00:30:09] Speaker A: Yes. [00:30:09] Speaker B: You know, instead of getting mad at that person and just noticing all the time that they leave the dishwasher open. [00:30:16] Speaker A: Someone does that. [00:30:17] Speaker B: I do. I am so guilty. [00:30:18] Speaker A: But I can't stack it. And that gets on your nerves. [00:30:20] Speaker B: And then my peanut butter spoon. [00:30:22] Speaker A: Peanut butter spoon is always in that one. [00:30:24] Speaker B: It's always at the same spot. [00:30:25] Speaker A: I don't get mad, I just laugh about it. Yeah, that's classic Mike. I'm like, that was. He had peanut butter. [00:30:31] Speaker B: Yeah, right. But then you could look at that and say, well, you know what? He got up. He didn't want to bother me, so he got up and made himself something to eat. [00:30:41] Speaker A: No, it's quirky and funny to me. Like, I don't get mad about it. I think that it's trivial because I know I do things that get on your nerves too. Like spill peanuts on the floor and don't clean them up for chest, man. [00:30:51] Speaker B: They're like coming in the living room at 4 or 5 o' clock in the morning, stepping on a potato chip, and I'm like, It's like I'm married to a teenager. [00:31:01] Speaker A: I'm like, what? What's the matter? [00:31:05] Speaker B: Peanuts on the floor. Yeah. Yeah. But that's just part of being married, you know? That's just part of things. [00:31:13] Speaker A: We just laugh about it. [00:31:14] Speaker B: Right? Right. We just laugh. You know, Shanna, she's not the best morning person. So I automatically think that she either had a bad dream or I did something wrong with. That's just my own. [00:31:25] Speaker A: That's PTSD theory. [00:31:26] Speaker B: That's a fault in my mind. But she'll sit down and she's quiet and I'm God, what did I do? Well, I can retaliate because she left a peanut on the floor last night at 3 o' clock in the morning. You always got to have that angle. But no, in Philippians 4. 8, Paul just wasn't giving advice for anxiety. He was teaching us where to place our attention and what we continually focus on grows. Let's focus on we're going to make. [00:31:56] Speaker A: Yes. [00:31:57] Speaker B: Let's focus on we're going to be great parents to our kids. [00:32:00] Speaker A: Let's focus on. I love this thing about you. I'm so glad you do it. Let's focus on where do we want our marriage to go? What do we feel like God's calling us to do together. [00:32:08] Speaker B: Right. [00:32:08] Speaker A: It's a team instead of individual me versus you all the time. [00:32:13] Speaker B: Well, there is no such thing as me versus you in a marriage. Once you get married, once you say those vows, it's not you anymore and it's not me. It's us. So when us becomes more important than the individual person, that's when things start going. [00:32:30] Speaker A: I know what I was going to say a minute ago. So you were saying, whenever you're looking at the badge, it's like your brain starts to gather that evidence and say, yeah, exactly. I knew this person was terrible. That's what the enemy was starting to do with me. Because with you, after we went through, it was like he was trying to gather. Or my brain was too. It was trying to protect me. And it was gathering information and going. I knew it. I knew God didn't send him. I knew this was too good to be true. I knew this wasn't going to last. I just knew it. So that's what happens when you focus on the negative. And I am such a poster child for focusing on the negative. But it's something I've had to learn the hard way. And I still. I'm still not great at it, but I'm better than I used to be. [00:33:12] Speaker B: For sure. I. I don't notice that you focus on the negative all the time now when we. But. But that makes me feel better. I'm so laid back. [00:33:21] Speaker A: Yeah, you're You're. You're easy to live with. [00:33:24] Speaker B: I'm easy to be a mad at because I don't know. [00:33:27] Speaker A: Well, you. You just let me do whatever I want. I don't know if that's good or not. But if I want to watch the show. Okay. If I want to go here. Okay. If I want to eat this. Okay. And then I'm like, is that really how you feel or are you just trying to make me happy? Because I don't. That's not fair to you either. [00:33:40] Speaker B: Well, I mean, I tell you, it's just because I don't care. [00:33:43] Speaker A: Yeah, you don't care. [00:33:44] Speaker B: I like food. It doesn't matter where I get it, as long as I get some. And then the TV has to come on. [00:33:50] Speaker A: You can play on your phone. [00:33:51] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. But. But. So I'm going to challenge you guys this week, or we are going to challenge you guys this week. And what you need to do, or what we want you to do is just find five things your spouse did this week that. That were. That you could focus on and say, you know what? He did these things and some of the things I ain't done. So it's kind of a humbling thing. Make coffee. [00:34:18] Speaker A: You know, one day you did that for me a couple times I walked in there and it was made, and I was like, thank you so much. [00:34:24] Speaker B: Yeah, well, we drink different types of coffee. I use the French press. You drink dirt coffee. [00:34:29] Speaker A: But you just pushed the button for me, put it there, and it was ready, and I was like, yeah. [00:34:35] Speaker B: I think you went to bed mad at me that night. That's why I made it for you. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Then takes out the trash. I do that. That is my job. I can slip up sometimes, let that stuff boil over a little bit. When it starts falling on the floor, I know it's not. And then work hard. Men gotta work. Gotta work. If you don't love what you're doing, find something that you do and put your whole heart into it. Women marry us because they love us. They also marry us because I think that we're going to take care of them. [00:35:12] Speaker A: It's a big deal to a woman. [00:35:13] Speaker B: Oh, absolutely, it is. And I'm not saying the woman who wants to stay at home and, you know, be that housewife that just sits on the couch watching soap operas all day long. I'm saying that women look at you and they size you up so many different ways instantly that we never can comprehend. And you providing, and then you and then you working hard to get them what they need. So important to a woman that is one of the deal breakers that there's no really coming back. If you're lazy, then that's bad. [00:35:51] Speaker A: I agree. I do think there's a handful of women who are super, like, independent. They don't really care if their husband works. They're like, no, you just. You stay home. That's fine. [00:35:59] Speaker B: Right. [00:35:59] Speaker A: Well, you know, most women are not. [00:36:01] Speaker B: Right. There's like, you keep your paycheck, I keep mine. You pay the water bill and the phone bill, and I pay the electric and the car note. So, you know. But I don't like that. I like putting all of our bills on you because I know they're getting paid. Yes. [00:36:18] Speaker A: That's my first is being so dang astute with money and knowing when things are due and having, like, a constant budget going in my head all the time. [00:36:26] Speaker B: Right. And right now, the construction business is really, really slow right now. Well, it's not slow. It's dead. And I'm having a hard time with it because I know that I should be providing. We decided to spread my business out into other. Other areas of the construction process, and. And I'm really excited about it. Yeah, I'm really excited about the work. May be steadier, and then just keep all the other businesses when that works, not steady. I can build furniture still. You know, I can do some painting or whatever. Renovation and do that too. But. But yeah, man, you just got to. [00:37:09] Speaker A: Yeah. Challenge yourself to the name five things your spouse did this week. And I like that approach. I guess you could do either. Or you could do five things you did this week, or you could just tell your spouse five things I love about you. That may be harder if you're in a bad place in your marriage because you've already gotten to the point where you're resentful and you're looking for negative. So it may be easier to say, okay, well, this week you did this one thing, and I really appreciate it, and that may be the only thing [00:37:34] Speaker B: you can think of, but focus on [00:37:36] Speaker A: that, because it happens. And if you need to, tell them, too. Because what happens is if I come to you and say, we're intent, we're in tension because we've been fighting, but if I come to you and I just say, you know, I really appreciate you putting gas in my car the other day, that really helped me. All of a sudden, oh, we're not fighting anymore. The guards come down, and all of a sudden we're not enemies. We don't see each other as a threat. So it brings that level down to where there can be, like, civil conversation and seeing each other. Because, like, even your brain starts to. Like, when you take on all these negative things that you're seeing, your brain starts to turn and make that person your enemy. [00:38:17] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:38:17] Speaker A: Because you've gathered the evidence already and you're, like, convinced, and you're not seeing them for who they really are. [00:38:22] Speaker B: You're really not. You're focusing on the bad. You're not focusing on the good. But there are different things that you can do to show your spouse that you care. This week is the one thing I like to do, and I'm gonna tell you, our humor is totally. I find stupid things funny. [00:38:41] Speaker A: I think we laugh at the same things a lot. We laugh all the time. [00:38:45] Speaker B: Yeah, we do. But when I send you a text message about something, you're like, oh, yeah, [00:38:49] Speaker A: I'm, like, really rude. Some things are. Some things I really laugh at. [00:38:56] Speaker B: Some things she laughs at than others. I could tell it just didn't happen. And then rub her shoulders. I have learned to give great massages. [00:39:06] Speaker A: That's, like, my favorite, probably. [00:39:07] Speaker B: Yeah. And then, like Shay said, put gas in her car or make dinner. You know, we've talked about all of this stuff, and it's really important that you find the good. It's really important that you do the good. If you know your wife's having a bad day, volunteer a shoulder massage. I don't care if you had a bad day. There were days when I come in from work, and all I wanted to do was eat and go to sleep. And I could tell that you were excited. So you sat down in front of me, said, hey, I need you to rub my shoulder. I'm like, okay, cool. [00:39:36] Speaker A: You didn't gripe, but I know you're exhausted, but I'm like, I need you so bad. Please help me. [00:39:40] Speaker B: Right? [00:39:40] Speaker A: I can't do this for myself, you know? All right, I like that. So what else do you want to add to that? Anything? [00:39:51] Speaker B: I think we've covered just about everything. I mean. Okay, here's one. We can give them a practical challenge. [00:39:59] Speaker A: Okay. [00:39:59] Speaker B: What do you think? Okay. So every day this week, what I want you to do is tell your spouse one specific thing that you appreciate, like we talked about. I appreciate that you take out the trash. I appreciate that you give me an ear to listen when I'm going through a hard time. And you do that very well. [00:40:18] Speaker A: I do most of the listen to you. [00:40:20] Speaker B: Yeah. You listen to me, especially when I'm having moments, you know, and, and I don't know where they come from, but if I'm having a moment, it's something sets me off and I start having, you know, memories come up. And you're so good about talking me off the list. [00:40:36] Speaker A: Well, and I think that's because you finally let me in for so long, you hid it from me and I didn't know that you were struggling, which is so strange to me that I didn't figure that out before then. But. And that's why you were doing some of the things you were doing because you didn't know how to cope with it and you couldn't talk. [00:40:53] Speaker B: And then instead of saying, you're just awesome. Okay, that's kind of an open ended thing. It's generic that everybody says instead. Say something like, I noticed you stayed up late with the kid and you helped the homework, or you got up during the night and you changed diapers and you fed them at 2 o' clock in the morning. Those acts of service need to be recognized. [00:41:15] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. You know, I mean, like today I got up and I was like a zombie. And you came. I was up maybe. [00:41:25] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:41:25] Speaker A: And I came in here in the living room and I was so tired, I couldn't even make myself coffee. I just laid on the couch and turned the TV on. I was just kind of. But I was so tired, I didn't know if I could go back to sleep. But you finally got up and you came in there and I was like, I feel like crap. And I felt so bad that we didn't even go to church because I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. And you said, just go back to bed. Just go get some sleep. And like, I'm glad that. And I appreciate that you didn't like judge me and try to be like, you just need to, you know, get up, drink some coffee. No. You're like, no, go to sleep and you don't care. Like, there's so many times that I feel like it's not fair to you. I'll just go. Like when we were on vacation or honeymoon and I just went and slept and slept. I was so tired. But I think what happened is I finally felt safe. I had been alone. I had been going through so much. And you know, we go on our honeymoon a month after we got married. We had to wait a month. And normal, normal people would have been like, oh my God, let's have sex nonstop. Let's go here, let's go there. And I was like, I'm not saying we didn't do some of that stuff, but I was just so tired and I just kept sleeping and I couldn't stop. And then there you were just watching TV in the living room. I felt so bad. Slept like 12 hours. [00:42:37] Speaker B: I like to watch YouTube videos all day long, hours. [00:42:39] Speaker A: But you weren't mad at me. And I was like, oh my God, that's so nice of him. [00:42:43] Speaker B: Right? And then you talk about when we were on vacation, because that always happens. [00:42:47] Speaker A: Well, it only happened twice. [00:42:48] Speaker B: We've only been on two. [00:42:50] Speaker A: No, we went on the cruise. I didn't do that on the cruise. [00:42:53] Speaker B: You did not do that. [00:42:54] Speaker A: I didn't do that because I didn't feel safe. [00:42:55] Speaker B: Right, you didn't feel safe. Yeah, yeah. [00:42:57] Speaker A: Cause we're stepping that coffee and anytime I feel safe. And I think when we got married, I finally felt like safe so I could sleep, you know. [00:43:06] Speaker B: Well, it's just specific appreciation feels more believable than you're awesome, you know, identify what it is and that'll make your spouse feel more appreciated. And then I'm going to throw this out here. One word of caution to you. This goes for the women and the men. Because there are abused women and there are abused men. If you're in a marriage with abuse, active addiction, repeated infidelity without repentance or serious betrayal, this is not about pretending these things don't exist. You don't have to make excuses for them. If you see it happening, call them out on it. Like the infidelity or spending money at an extravagant. Even though we work at Walmart or something like that, you know you don't have the money. Spending extravagantly. We haven't had the money. So we have cut back. [00:43:56] Speaker A: We've been rebuilding our life. [00:43:57] Speaker B: Right. Gratitude doesn't erase the need for boundaries, healing or accountability. But for many healthy, even struggling marriages, we simply stop saying out loud what we still feel deep inside. So if he or she has ever hit you, he or she has been verbally abusive. If he or she has had infidelity, like we know personally, that's. That is something that you do not need to turn your head on. Don't turn away from. Focus on it. Head on. And then if that person does hit you or become physically abusive, you need to get out. Because there is no five things you love about that at all. [00:44:44] Speaker A: This is. We're talking to people who I would say are in the more. You know, their marriage is not so bad that there is physical abuse and things like that. You may have had some addiction issues or maybe you have struggled with infidelity in your marriage. So I still believe you can overcome that stuff. But there has to be willingness from both sides. [00:45:03] Speaker B: Right. [00:45:04] Speaker A: If. If the person who committed the offense is not willing to come clean, be honest about everything, humble themselves. Well, if they say in steps of repentance, then yeah, you're not going to be able to make it work. [00:45:19] Speaker B: Well, if you come to that person, you say, okay, you hit me the other night, and that's not cool. If they counteract with, yeah, but you did this. There is no excuse. [00:45:28] Speaker A: No, I don't think. I think if somebody hits me, I'm gone. [00:45:32] Speaker B: Well, you should be. [00:45:33] Speaker A: I'm not going to talk it out with you. There's something wrong with you and you need to go get help. [00:45:38] Speaker B: Absolutely. And you're not getting help in my house. [00:45:40] Speaker A: Yeah. I'm not going to be around you if I feel like it's physically unsafe for me. I've been through emotional and verbal abuse, and I'm not saying it's okay or it's any better, but, I mean, that's something, I think every. That's individual. And you have to decide if you're willing to put up with that. [00:45:56] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:45:56] Speaker A: For a period of time. And if you see, you know, like, if you're praying and asking God to intervene and you're starting to see change, I mean, you can stay in that. But I think if it's physical, that's a whole other level. [00:46:09] Speaker B: Absolutely. In times of loss and in times of grief, I know that men especially have a hard time facing like that. You know, it's an emotion that we're not comfortable. [00:46:24] Speaker A: Men tend to stuff it down. [00:46:25] Speaker B: Right. We tend to just stuff it down. Well, if your wife loses someone that they were so close to, be the man and be the rock, let them lean on you. I know it hurts for you as well, but it's really important that you two hurt together. Don't hurt separately. Don't push it down. Be there for each other and just love each other. And I know, like I said, I know men have. I know we had the. The ability to be able to just push everything down and not feel anything. And women can, too, in all honesty, but that is a horrible thing to do for your marriage. It will cause resentment eventually. [00:47:13] Speaker A: Okay, well, I think we can wrap it up. [00:47:15] Speaker B: I think we can. [00:47:17] Speaker A: I hope that. We pray that this episode encourages you to look for the good and not always the bad in your marriage. Because whatever you Water grows. [00:47:26] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:47:27] Speaker A: Weeds grow. If you don't even really have to water weeds, you know they're going to pop up. But if you want, like beautiful things to grow in your marriage, you definitely have to make room for them and you have to water them. So pay attention to that. Like feed the positive things or feed the things that are noble. Like Philippians 4:13. Right. Whatsoever things are pure. Whatsoever things are noble. Of good report. Think on these things. And that's what you have to train your brain to do. [00:47:54] Speaker B: And forgive us if we sounded rusty. I know I did. I've sitting up on the shelf for about three months. So we'll try to make more often. There's really no reason why we. [00:48:05] Speaker A: Yeah. And I would just say, you know, we are at a place now where I think. And I don't know how you feel, but I feel like we want to start working more with couples and help walking them through. We feel like we're called to and it's part of what we're supposed to do in the kingdom. So definitely check us out. Shannon williams.com and there's a page called. Called the Marriage Author. And you can go in there and see all the things that we offer. [00:48:29] Speaker B: Right. [00:48:30] Speaker A: All things we can do. We have a really powerful thing that we've been trained to do to take people through. [00:48:37] Speaker B: And we'll feed you and put you up in one of our guest rooms free. [00:48:42] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:48:42] Speaker B: So I mean, come on. Yeah. [00:48:45] Speaker A: Pretty amazing. And it's. It transforms your marriage. I think that it really helped our marriage. [00:48:50] Speaker B: I think it does too. [00:48:51] Speaker A: And I'm so glad we did it. Yeah. I want to pull this stuff out because it was so amazing. By the way, did we ever get [00:48:57] Speaker B: a copy of our papers? [00:48:58] Speaker A: No. And that's why I can't. I wish I'd have taken better notes that I can remember what we. But I remember a lot of it. So anyway, guys, we hope that this blessed you. Check out shannonwilliams.comarageauthor check out other. Make sure you like and subscribe to this podcast and share it on your social media platforms. There may be other couples that are struggling in this way. Marriage ministry is so needed today. [00:49:23] Speaker B: It is. And the more you like it, the more you share it and it makes it more visible for other people to see. And we really want to bless people. We're not getting anything out of this except it's just a ministry that we felt like God wanted us to be a part of. [00:49:41] Speaker A: We just want to see marriages restored and families brought back together or prevent catastrophic stuff in marriage. [00:49:50] Speaker B: I read the other day or did I hear it? I think I heard it on marriage. They said the 52 of marriages failed. Yeah. [00:49:57] Speaker A: Oh yeah. [00:49:58] Speaker B: So the odds are definitely not in marriage favor if the bill outweighs the [00:50:03] Speaker A: standard and the Christian marriage statistic is right below that. It's like 40, almost 50 something I think 4%. So it's. And that's right. Really sad to me because we have the Lord on our side and there's still so much divorce because you're talking about dealing with the flesh and nobody wants to crucify their flesh in this way. It doesn't feel good. It's not fun. But it's what it takes to make a marriage work. [00:50:26] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:50:27] Speaker A: So yeah. So God bless you guys. I guess we will see you again soon. See you later. And speak the words that he [00:50:43] Speaker B: Will [00:50:43] Speaker A: you break my chains and set my wheel O my.