Letting Go of the Lies in Your Marriage

[00:00:15] Speaker A: Catch us the little foxes. They're feasting on our own. Okay. Yeah. [00:00:26] Speaker B: All right. Hello there, good looking. [00:00:28] Speaker A: Hi. [00:00:29] Speaker B: Hi. How are y'? [00:00:30] Speaker A: All? How are y' all doing? [00:00:32] Speaker B: Good. We're finally getting relief from the heat. [00:00:34] Speaker A: It is 88 degrees and it's been raining. [00:00:38] Speaker B: And it's been raining. We haven't had any rain in a few weeks. But we're happy. Texas. We're not in the Austin area. I just want to say, first off, we really want to issue our condolences to the people in South Texas, namely around the New Braunsville and Austin areas, if you have it, living under a rock. Massive floods came through a week before last. Week before last, and wiped out a camp called Camp Mystic Christian Camp. And a whole bunch of little kids were. Have never been seen, haven't been found. [00:01:16] Speaker A: And then not just them, but tons of other people. I think it's like 100. [00:01:20] Speaker B: I think it was 101 dead. 160 were lost still, but they're finding them slowly but surely. But throughout all of the hoopla, I really want to say that I am sorry for your loss. You have definitely been in our prayers. I pray that God comforts you in some small way. Yeah, it is terrible. You don't expect. [00:01:50] Speaker A: But today we are talking about letting go of light. So, yeah, this was kind of my idea. We had last week. We talked about spiritual warfare. What it looked like in your marriage, and I thought a nice little spin off, or part two of it is, is letting go of lies. And I was thinking, like, not just the lies that, like for me, for instance, letting go of lies that the enemy constantly tells me about you, like, you know, because of the infidelity. Okay. Do I not know certain details? Is there more? Is there? Or are just constantly suspicious? And then the lies of the future that he tells me, it's going to happen again. You're going to. You have to sleep with one eye open all the time. You have to, like, micromanage him, blah, blah, blah. But also, I mean, there's those lies, but in the context of marriage for most people. And we're not just talking about infidelity, we're talking about lies in general that you believe about each other. Because I believe that. That that is kind of the foundation of dysfunction in the marriage. [00:03:01] Speaker B: Right. And marriage has been under attack forever. And Satan is the father of lies. He wants to destroy the family and make us weaker. I think our kids need a strong family unit. And when we don't have that strong family unit, we have the Kids that we have now burning down cities and stuff like that. But I think that lies. I know the lies that I told whenever I started, Whenever all this started, the lies I told were more to protect. In my mind, I was like, you know what? I'm going to tell this lie to protect her. But in all honesty, it was protecting me and it was wrong. [00:03:45] Speaker A: That's what I was going to say. Like, I think it was probably both, but I think it was. That's what exactly. What I'm talking about is we tell ourselves a lie and we believe them, and it affects everybody in the marriage, not you. It actually affects the other person. Because really what happened is because the lie that you believed was, I'm protecting myself. Her, rather you were really protecting yourself, which. Which perpetuated the addiction and never got you to the point where you could come face to face with it. Like, you need to deal with the addiction, you know? [00:04:17] Speaker B: Well, the lies. The lies take on a life of their own, and eventually you become a slave to the lie. And the more lies you tell, the harder it is to keep track of the lies that you fold. So over time, stories change without you meaning for them to change. And then when you're confronted about it, you're like, I didn't say that. [00:04:38] Speaker A: Yeah, I don't know how you kept it straight. Like, I look back now and I think, oh, my God, how are you keeping all that straight? You know? Did you write it all down? [00:04:47] Speaker B: No, I actually have a pretty good memory, believe it or not. [00:04:51] Speaker A: Just about the lies. [00:04:52] Speaker B: Just about the lies. Any other day of the week, I am a walking zombie. I can't remember. So. But I think that you tell a lie and the person that you told the lie to believes that. And then you get scared that that person is going to find out that you. You continue to tell that lie to keep the person from finding out that it's a lie. [00:05:19] Speaker A: And then you have to add to the story. [00:05:21] Speaker B: Then you have to add to the story. Yes. And then the lie becomes bigger than what you lied about. [00:05:27] Speaker A: Let me ask you this, though. Is there a point when you actually start believing your own lie? No, I'm serious. [00:05:34] Speaker B: No, there was never a point where I believed my lie. [00:05:36] Speaker A: Like a justification. [00:05:37] Speaker B: I would go down with a fight reinforcing that lie. You know, just. Just admitting that I was wrong and I had done what I had done and. [00:05:50] Speaker A: But yeah, man, why do you think that is? That it was like you would rather go down swinging than just admit that. [00:05:56] Speaker B: You have lied because I became a slave to the lie. I was trying to protect myself. I was boxed into a corner and I didn't have a way to get out of it. And I thought that, okay, if I can just get her to believe this lie, I'll get a chance to come clean later on down the road when I'm ready. But that is not the way that it works. [00:06:18] Speaker A: God's like, no, we're going to deal with this now. [00:06:21] Speaker B: Yeah, I think quick. 180, buddy. And you're going right back to where you started. [00:06:25] Speaker A: I mean, because I remember when I confronted you, I lied and you made up more lies. [00:06:34] Speaker B: I did. [00:06:35] Speaker A: It's almost like you gaslighted me for a while. [00:06:37] Speaker B: I tried to. [00:06:38] Speaker A: But you didn't. [00:06:39] Speaker B: You didn't fall for it. [00:06:40] Speaker A: No, you tried to manipulate me. And I called you out on it. And then you're like, I can't believe you're saying that. And then later you came back and said I was completely gaslighted. Self preservation. I also think it's. I think because of our own moral compass that we have. Okay, so, like, you probably earlier in your life grew up with these values that this moral compass of I would never do something like this. And then you found yourself in it, and it's like you can't face the fact that you did it, so you'd rather just lie and not come clean. [00:07:11] Speaker B: Well, living a lie keeps you from facing the conflict. The lie makes you feel better about what you've done in a matter of speaking. Because whenever we were talking to each other and I knew the lie was out there, but while I was doing the lie, everything was great. And I wanted to keep that facade that everything was great. So the lie, like I said earlier, just took a mind of its own. [00:07:38] Speaker A: And you were. You were really telling yourself, like, okay, I'm ending. Yeah, this stuff so I don't have to tell her because I'm gonna end it over. [00:07:48] Speaker B: Bang, There you go. [00:07:50] Speaker A: That was the justification. [00:07:51] Speaker B: That was the justification for it. Because I was thinking, okay, if I can end this before the lie is exposed, then the lie never happened. [00:07:59] Speaker A: Sorry, it's not funny. But it's just like the things that we do. [00:08:03] Speaker B: It is dumb. It makes it sound like a first grader. But that's what happened. Is that. Is that I just kept saying, okay, if I end this, if I let everybody off easy and I end this before she finds out, then the lie never happened. Because she won't ever know. We'll go back to living our life, and it'll be great because I'm never going to do this again. [00:08:29] Speaker A: Which I think had God not intervened, you would be doing it again because you were in addiction. You were trapped in addiction. [00:08:38] Speaker B: I was trapped in addiction. I really was. Go. I know some people out there are thinking that sex addiction isn't as bad as drug addiction. But just like with drug addiction, I did some studying when I was in nursing school about addiction and drug addiction. And what it is is that, like taking Benadryl, take one at first, it zombifies you for two days, and then the more you take it, the more you have to take it, right? And. Sorry. And the same thing with Sex Edition. You're like, okay, I'm gonna do this one time, and then I'm gonna stop. But then that one time gave you the adrenaline rush that you need, and you just keep doing it because you're like, okay, I'm just gonna keep doing this one time. This one time, this one time. But then that part wears off and you have to do it more. [00:09:36] Speaker A: And then you tell yourself the lie. Like, you like when you're gonna go on a diet on Monday, the Monday diet, you know, where you're like, well, I'm just gonna eat whatever I want this weekend, right? We say, and I'm gonna die Monday. [00:09:49] Speaker B: All the time, right? [00:09:50] Speaker A: Which is the same. I think it's because it's an addiction as well. But I think it's the same principle of lying to yourself because it eases your conscience a little bit to just go ahead and say, well, I'm going to deal with this later. And then. Then you can kind of just keep doing it. [00:10:07] Speaker B: Absolutely, it does. And it's just. I think that. I think the one thing that the lie does, as you know, Satan is the father. And I think that one thing that when you tell a lie does, is opens just a little bit of a doorway influence to come in. I'm not saying you're possessed, but you're influenced by things, and those influences tell you that what you're doing, it's just a little lie, man. Nobody's gonna find out about it. And it keeps you. It makes you lose faith in the person that you're lying. Because, you know, you and I talk about this a lot like, well, you know what? Just come to me when you're having a difficult time and we'll talk it through. But the lie spirit, spirit of lies, tells you that that's not true and that you have to keep living the lie because the lie is keeping you safe, basically. And it's Hiding your sin. [00:11:05] Speaker A: Hiding your sin. But also, I think it's also because we do this when we start dating someone. [00:11:12] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:12] Speaker A: So let's think about this, okay, before you get married, like, the person that you married now, like, is not the person. Person you dated because they lied to try to hide their true identity. They didn't want you to know that they're. I don't know, a disgusting person who's a slob and doesn't clean up. I'm not saying you. I'm just saying in general, like, doesn't clean up after themselves. Or maybe they're just. Maybe you found out they don't brush their teeth and you thought they did before you got married. Or, like, with you, you thought, I like to be outdoors because I lied on my profile and match.com and said I was outdoorsy, but I wasn't. I wanted to, like, you wanted to be. [00:11:46] Speaker B: But when it came to do it like that vine snake, I wanted to. [00:11:50] Speaker A: I wanted to, like, portray this version of me that I thought you would like. And I think that's what we do with lies, too. We kind of inflate things or minimize things in our character that we don't like, and we have to keep the lie up. But, you know, but at some point when you get married, dang, the new wears off, and you're like, okay, I can't do this anymore. This is exhausting. [00:12:11] Speaker B: Well, we figured out that you couldn't do the outdoors anymore on our honeymoons, but it didn't even take a month. [00:12:16] Speaker A: Whatever. So anyways, you won't let that go. He talks about it all the time. [00:12:21] Speaker B: You brought it up. [00:12:23] Speaker A: Because I knew you were going to do it. I just went there, got it over with. [00:12:26] Speaker B: No, but, you know, I think everybody lies. They first meet, you know, you. You give that person the best. The best. The best version, you know, you dress nice, you shave all the time, you brush your teeth every day, you know. [00:12:38] Speaker A: Like you're supposed to do anyway. [00:12:40] Speaker B: And you swear up and down that you don't snore and that, you know, I don't have allergy problems and all that stuff. Well, you know, the first night that a couple's together, they find out that you snore. They find that you have allergy problems and everything like that. So, you know, it's always best to try to just come clean. But I think that the lie is just meant to make you look as good as you're not. [00:13:06] Speaker A: You know, I do think that. I think that we lie for lots of different reasons. But I just watched a really good sermon today and it was so about this, where he was talking about like, you've been doing this for 30 something years. When are you going to actually let God transform your mind in this area? You can stop lying. You can stop pretending to be someone you're not. Like, be who you really are. Be your messed up self. Romans 12:1 2. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. And a lot of us, I think, have grown up lying. Like lying is a part of the American culture almost now. And we believe lies about first and foremost God, which really, really messes up identity. I was thinking about how you believed that God didn't love you. You believed that you were unworthy and you thought I had some kind of special relationship with God that you could never aspire to because you were such a terrible person. A lot of people believe that. And what that does is it disconnects them from God. And then what happens? They go into addiction because they want to comfort, they want to self soothe, they want to feel something because they feel. [00:14:19] Speaker B: Another reason why you go into addiction is because of your lack of self worth. [00:14:25] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:25] Speaker B: You know, you've got this person that you married to that, that you put on a pencil. God didn't put him on at all. God didn't put him on a platform saying this person is better than you and being married to them is going to make you just like him. In life, you will never be just like anyone. And in life, being with someone just because you think they're going to make you a better person is not cool. [00:14:55] Speaker A: Absolutely. And I think what you do is you drag them down too. Like very rarely do you see the other person pull someone else pull them up. You see someone else take them down, right? [00:15:05] Speaker B: Absolutely. Because, and I'm not saying, ladies and gentlemen out there, I'm not saying look for someone who is exceed your intellect or whatever, you know what I'm saying is that accept the person that you're with for them and, and work through his or her feeling of inadequacy when they're around you, which we've never had that problem. [00:15:30] Speaker A: Well, I think also what you're saying is don't make that person your savior. [00:15:34] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:15:35] Speaker A: Setting him up for failure. [00:15:36] Speaker B: That's what I was trying to say. [00:15:37] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a lot of pressure on the other person too. Then they feel like, oh my God, so I have to save you all the time. I have to be the rock, I have to be the whatever one. I have to meet all of your Needs. Well, only God can meet all of our needs, Right? [00:15:51] Speaker B: Right. [00:15:52] Speaker A: So putting pressure on each other like that, it's just a recipe for disaster in the marriage. [00:15:57] Speaker B: Absolutely. It is putting undue pressure on someone because, let's face it, work is stressful. Family is stressful. Life is just stressful. Especially in this day and age now where groceries are so high. Gas, $2.99 a gallon down there the other day, today when I went down. So it's. It's stressful, and we add to it when we lie. And. And we need to just realize that our spouse is our spouse for a reason and that they love us. And that, yes, the conversation will probably be uncomfortable about whatever you lied about. Now, if it's something like, you didn't clip your toenails, or you did clip your toenails, and those aren't your toenails on the floor. That's different. Or I'll eat potato chips and they're all over the kitchen floor. And I don't know how that happened. [00:16:49] Speaker A: I didn't do that. Are you talking about me? [00:16:52] Speaker B: Okay, but. But we often, you know, we often just think that. That it's going to be okay. And sometimes we think that, well, you know what? My spouse isn't in a good mood. My spouse is grumpy. Or my spouse just wanted to care about this. In all honesty, I think that spouses appreciate more communication, and I think people suck at communication. Like, seriously, it's just part of the family unit breaking down. [00:17:20] Speaker A: I think I do, too. And I'm realizing as I get older that I don't communicate effectively or I don't let people know how I really feel, I bottle it up, and then I explode or then I just lose my mind. [00:17:33] Speaker B: Well, if you've got someone that is all business, that is grumpy all the time, that is emotionally closed off, that is not available when you need them. And when you do try to talk to them, they're like, what? What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy? That makes that person feel like they can't come and talk to you, and it makes that person close off and. And later on, whenever they come and ask you, okay, what did you need? Oh, it was nothing. It's fine. There's your lie. That's the way that the spirit gets in. Is that lie offense? [00:18:11] Speaker A: You're offended now? [00:18:12] Speaker B: You're offended now? Or you're just scared to say anything because, you know, wham, there it is. They bite at you. I mean, I know I snapped at you before, and you snapped at me, you know, later on, we both apologize for it. But. But things that the other person does that the other. That the liar misinterprets, sometimes that causes the lie to start you. [00:18:31] Speaker A: And I think. I think we minimize something that's not being a big deal about lying, you know, like, oh, that's just an important. That doesn't matter. But I think they all matter. [00:18:43] Speaker B: Yes. [00:18:44] Speaker A: Every little silly thing that, like, you know, let's say that you. You bought a package of, I don't know, Doritos. But you told me you bought a package of ruffles. Like, why would you lie about that? But it matters because why would you cover that up? Like, things like that, it erodes the trust in the relationship when you lie about insignificant things. It erodes the trust. Because if you lied about that, then you could lie about something more important. [00:19:15] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:19:15] Speaker A: And more. And something huge. [00:19:18] Speaker B: Well, the snowball effect happened. You got that little bitty lie inside of a great big snowball, and that snowball starts to crush you because it gets heavier and heavier and heavier. Yeah, absolutely. [00:19:30] Speaker A: So what would you say when you came into the marriage, what were the lies you were believing about yourself? [00:19:38] Speaker B: Well, I had been fighting. My post traumatic stresses were all through my marriage to my son. Mother, I have been fighting that. I have been taking an antidepressant, but I quit taking it because I didn't think it was doing anything for me. And I thought that as long as I remained cool, that I didn't let myself get so overly stimulated and stuff like that, I could control it myself. So I entered our marriage lying to myself because I'm like, man, I got this under control. I can do this. This is not. My addictions don't define who I am. And the lie just kept getting bigger. [00:20:22] Speaker A: So you really thought, I can handle this? [00:20:25] Speaker B: Yeah, I thought I can handle it. [00:20:27] Speaker A: You thought it was. You didn't have the addiction anymore? [00:20:30] Speaker B: I didn't think I had any addiction. I didn't think I had Post Traumatic Stress disorder anymore. I thought that it was just all gone, you know? [00:20:36] Speaker A: Even though you had been diagnosed with it? [00:20:37] Speaker B: Even though I had been diagnosed in 2008 and. [00:20:41] Speaker A: But you didn't get the help. [00:20:42] Speaker B: But I didn't get any help. Well, back in those days, the VA wasn't as accessible as it is now. There was a lot of revamps that happened at the va. Yes, bad things happen. But I think that my overall experience with the Veterans Administration has been really, really positive. [00:21:06] Speaker A: So you had the belief about, okay, this is not really that big of a deal, but did you have any identity lies that you came in? [00:21:13] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, I had identified that. That I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to be that person anymore. That I'm not going to have any flashback, not going to define who I am. [00:21:25] Speaker A: Let's break that down. So I'm not going to be that person anymore. So the lie was that you believe you were somehow defective. There was something wrong with you, you weren't a good person, so you needed to change. [00:21:38] Speaker B: I needed to change that. I did. I needed to prove to everyone that I could change that. I started off by lying to myself. [00:21:50] Speaker A: Right. That's what I'm trying to get at. [00:21:51] Speaker B: Yeah. And then. And then my lie to myself for years before we even met. What became a lie? And it just. [00:22:01] Speaker A: That's what I said earlier. You know, I think that we believe our own lies. If we tell ourselves long enough, then we actually believe. [00:22:08] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:22:09] Speaker A: I'll give you mine. Mine was. Or I'll give you an example of. When I think I came into the marriage, I had lots of lies going on about myself. You know, even one that I struggle with now is I felt convicted today by the lord of. I believe things like, there's something wrong with me, I'm defective, or, you know, I'm just inferior to other people like that. I really do believe that. And I know that partially some of that comes from bullying and intimidation that happened as a child. And then my facial deformities that I struggle with. I think that's where it stems from, but it's always underneath every. So, like, if I fail at something, always because I'm a loser, I'm stupid. Oh, it's because I'm inferior. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. It's always. That's the underneath lie. And so the reason it matters is because I drag that lie into the marriage and that becomes something we struggle with together. Because I'm always insecure, right. About something about myself. Or I'm like, I'm a failure. I messed up that mortgage business and I couldn't do. I'm a failure or something messed it up, you know. [00:23:28] Speaker B: Well, yeah, I agree. I agree. It ends like today I was outside and I'm preparing for winter three months in advance, four months in advance. I'm cutting this tree down in the driveway, and I'm looking at this tree, and this tree is a hackberry tree. It's not a very Popular. [00:23:50] Speaker A: I've never even heard of that. [00:23:52] Speaker B: Yeah, it's something I got from Mississippi before. It's little berries on it. But I'm looking at this tree and this tree comes out of the ground and it forms a sharp turn and then it comes back the other way. This tree is probably a good foot two feet around, maybe more than that, maybe close to three feet. And I'm looking at this tree and I'm like, okay, I can do this. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna cut it on the. On the opposite side that it's leaning on. And it's going to fall right here the pasture. So I'm cutting that thing. I have a chainsaw going and I go almost all the way through it. I have probably a good 3 inch gap there. That is just solid wood. So I'm like, okay, so I go around the other side and I saw on that. I go around the other side and I saw on that, and there is literally nothing holding this tree up, right? So then I go and I get a wedge. I hammer the wedge in there and it won't fall. It won't fall. And I hated to lose, so I stayed out there. And I've got. I got blisters on my hand right now because I was too stubborn to realize that I was cutting it on the wrong side of the tree. But just like. And the reason why I'm telling that story is because it's just like a lie. A lie starts out, you assess it, you tell it, and when you look at it, it's leaning a certain way. So you think that if I, as long as I keep it going that way, everything's going to be okay. But what this tree did is this tree went straight up and then back over the driveway, and all the weight was on that side. So I'm trying to cut down a perfectly balanced tree. The lie is going one way, the truth is going the other. And I'm like. I'm just looking at it. It's like 98 degrees out here right now. So what am I going to do? How am I going to get this tree down? So finally I take out my splitting axe, my mol axe, and I start whacking on it. And it finally falls. And it falls in the direction where the lie was, but the truth kept it up. You know what I mean? Am I making any sense? So the lie is really big at the bottom, and then as it goes up, the truth is sitting up there on top of it and you distort it. With that lie. Am I making sense? [00:26:20] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:26:21] Speaker B: And once it comes down, then you can sit back and you can relax and say, okay, that lie is over. That lie is done. I don't have to worry about it anymore. But then you gotta deal with repercussions. [00:26:34] Speaker A: All right? You know, but speaking of trees, we have a couple out here that we don't want to cut down because they're right by our house. But you know, we keep noticing like every time there's the wind blows or there's a storm, there are dead branches. So we know that like half of the tree is dead. [00:26:51] Speaker B: Right. [00:26:51] Speaker A: And that's kind of how I see lies. I see it like they bring death. [00:26:59] Speaker B: They do. They corrupt living. [00:27:00] Speaker A: They bring death into the relationship. [00:27:03] Speaker B: Right. Well, because that dead part of that tree is a lie. And that lies will slowly creep into the life of that tree. And even if a root, even if a tree has got a great root system, it's still going to corrode it because the lie is going to eat at it. [00:27:20] Speaker A: Yes, I know that trees get like, I don't know what is, is going on, like what got into it to kill it, but something got into it. And then like you said, it spreads to the roots. It spreads to the roots and it contaminates it. And you told me that you don't want to cut the, the dead parts of that tree because it would mess, it would unbalance the tree, which is like, that's crazy. Now you have to just sit here and let this tree just continue to die slowly. [00:27:46] Speaker B: Right? Slowly eating it alive. [00:27:49] Speaker A: It's slowly. [00:27:50] Speaker B: It's a great verse that I was just looking at. Psalm 139, 7:12, and it goes, where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I say, surely the darkness will hide me and the light becomes night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you. The night will shine like day, for darkness is a light unto you. So even when you think that you're doing things in the dark, even if your spouse doesn't know the things that you're doing, God knows. And one thing that I love about God is he's going to let you get away with it for a while. He will. [00:28:26] Speaker A: He'll give you a chance to self. Correct. [00:28:28] Speaker B: He will. Then he's going to start convicting you a little bit, but easily brush it aside. You're like, it's fine, I'm going to end this. I got it. I don't have to tell anybody anything. But then the Conviction gets worse, and it gets worse. And finally at the end, God's going to say, hey, you need to say something about this, because this is eating you a lot. And it's eating your marriage that I put you in alive as well. So there's no negotiation. [00:28:57] Speaker A: It was spreading death into you and then into the marriage. [00:29:02] Speaker B: Right. The lie was slowly dying. The life was slowly dying. [00:29:06] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:29:06] Speaker B: So once the lie was exposed. Yes. There was hurt there, you know, and there was. There was a lot of that part. [00:29:15] Speaker A: Of the tree got cut down. Like, half of our tree got cut down. Holy cow, that hurt. [00:29:19] Speaker B: The tree is still alive. You cut out the cancer. [00:29:22] Speaker A: Yes. [00:29:23] Speaker B: You cut out the corrupt part of it, and you were able to save the healthy part of the tree. And it didn't fall when you cut. [00:29:31] Speaker A: It, which is a miracle because, like you said, like, half of that tree out there is dead. And if you cut it now, the tree will fall over. [00:29:41] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:41] Speaker A: It doesn't have the balance. But when you're in a spiritual situation and God is in the middle, he sustains it. He, like. The truth is what sustains it. And he cuts away the death poison, that tree. [00:29:55] Speaker B: And that's why I cut that tree down out there. The realm going over the road was rotten. And then you could look at the tree and see that there was a disease that was. [00:30:03] Speaker A: Yeah. And every time I would drive down the driveway, I'd be like, please don't fall. Please don't fall when I drive under. You know what I'm saying? [00:30:08] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:30:09] Speaker A: And even these two trees here, I get scared that one of the branches is gonna fall on my car sometimes, you know, and there's just so much damage that can happen when there's a diseased tree or whatever. And I think it's the same thing with us. At any moment, the right storm can come through and completely take that thing out. [00:30:28] Speaker B: Right. And just like your family is considered a family tree, one limb that catches a disease can spread to the entire tree. [00:30:38] Speaker A: Generational. [00:30:38] Speaker B: And it can be a generational lie, a generational curse that comes on. [00:30:43] Speaker A: I think that's interesting because, for instance, I have struggled my whole life with depression. Well, what I found out later in my life was I have a grandmother who did. I have an aunt who did that. Severely depressed. [00:30:59] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:31:00] Speaker A: And it's just like a genetic. I would say genetically, but also spiritually, somebody allowed that spirit in. [00:31:06] Speaker B: Somebody allow that spirit in. [00:31:08] Speaker A: And I'm having to struggle with it and have struggled with it my whole life. I probably. And my daughter struggled with it. And that's, you know, I wish that I'd have bought it and dealt with it sooner, but I just felt so not equipped to do it. Didn't know how, how to deal with this feeling I always had of sadness, despair and despondency and brokenness. But like lies, I think, come in into our lives when we're young like that and we drag them around. But I think you've got. I guess you have one. You want to read again? [00:31:42] Speaker B: No, no, go ahead. [00:31:43] Speaker A: Well, I was just going to say. So we have lies that we believe about ourselves that we bring into the marriage. But then when you get into the marriage, then you have lies you believe about your spouse and you begin to behave a certain way because you believe something to be true about your spouse, but it's actually a lie. For instance, let's just say now that I struggle with trust. I literally can wake up at 6:30 in the morning and be convinced that you don't really love me. Like, just like that. [00:32:16] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:32:17] Speaker A: Because Satan has tried to plant that seed. And sometimes there are moments when I have to that thing up because I feel it in my mind. I'm like, okay. I have to rationally go, okay. If he didn't love me, he wouldn't. He would have just left. He wouldn't have stayed in this. This is humiliating for you, what you've had to put yourself through and put. I mean, even your career change. I mean, I asked you to get out of it and you agree. [00:32:42] Speaker B: Well, you know, when I was going through all of that, everything that happened in September of last year, September, when everything was coming to a head, the only people on this planet who were there for. You know, I got a phone call. I'm not gonna go into that, but you know, my friend in Florida was actively on the phone with you and police department trying to figure out where I was and what I was doing. Told me to call 988. But the lie that I was telling myself is that I just wasn't worth the hassle. [00:33:21] Speaker A: And that's not a lie that just happened overnight. That's something you had believed your whole life. [00:33:25] Speaker B: Oh God, I believed my whole life since I was 14 years old. [00:33:28] Speaker A: So that's crazy because Satan can take a lie from its infancy all the way to the point where the person kills themselves because they believe the lie. [00:33:37] Speaker B: Yeah, it's a cancer that just slowly eats you alive. And there are good, there are highs and then there are lows with a lot. And sometimes you forget that you're living a Lot. Because you're having such a great life. [00:33:52] Speaker A: What do you mean by that? [00:33:54] Speaker B: Well, what I mean by that is that, okay, so say when we met, I had a lot. But then we get busy with life. We've got plenty of money, we've got three kids, we've got the American dream, two cars, we get to go on vacations and everything else. Well, in the back of my mind, I think, oh, well, that lie wasn't a big deal then because God still blessed me. [00:34:14] Speaker A: Yeah. It gave me the life I wanted. [00:34:16] Speaker B: He gave me the life I wanted because I told a lie. But that lie is going to fester. It's going to turn into a sickness. [00:34:22] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:34:23] Speaker B: And it's going to eat you alive. [00:34:24] Speaker A: I think it's crazy that you were actually cutting down trees when we were going to talk about this this week, because I really feel like it's, like, symbolic, you know? [00:34:33] Speaker B: It is. Absolutely. [00:34:34] Speaker A: And you're getting it off of our property. Like, we're getting the death and the cancer and the disease in the trees. Getting them out. [00:34:41] Speaker B: Right. [00:34:41] Speaker A: But I. I think that the lies. Like, what did you believe coming into our relationship about me? Or what do you struggle with now? Like, lies about. [00:34:54] Speaker B: I don't struggle with any lies. [00:34:55] Speaker A: I think you do. I think you struggle with Madam. She's upset. [00:34:59] Speaker B: Oh, well, now I can tell when there's something wrong with you. I like to joke around, say your aura is messed up, but I don't. [00:35:06] Speaker A: But you're off a lot of times about. Sometimes I'm just tired or I'm just. And you. You always think there's something wrong and I'm in trouble or, you know. [00:35:14] Speaker B: Right. But coming from. From a standpoint that I was the beginning of all of it. Anytime I see you where I feel like you're off, there's this voice on my head. So she's mad at you. [00:35:24] Speaker A: Yes. That's not. [00:35:25] Speaker B: Or she knows something. She thinks she knows something and she's holding it in and just blitz you with it. [00:35:32] Speaker A: But do you have the lie that. [00:35:33] Speaker B: But did you have the lie that something is wrong? [00:35:35] Speaker A: Well, do you have the lie that says she's eventually just going to walk away? [00:35:39] Speaker B: Oh, I thought that for a long time. I did. I thought that for a very long time that you were just going to just leave me and leave me to my vices, and I could not have said a word, you know, that's what was going on in my head. Because once the lie is exposed, then you got these little lying spirits saying, look what you did. [00:35:58] Speaker A: That's the only thing gang up on you. I was like 20,000 other people. Absolutely. [00:36:01] Speaker B: They gang up on you. And then after the lie is exposed, then you've got to deal with repercussions of that. But then you've also got to deal with the lying spirit. Look what you done done. If you hadn't done this, then you would be alright. [00:36:13] Speaker A: I think the only way to get through that is like what scripture says is resist the devil and he will flee. And so it's a lot of resisting, it's a lot of standing on the word. It's a lot of like repeating scriptures about what God says about you or that he's forgiven you and there's therefore condemnation. Those who are in Christ Jesus, things like that. I mean, I think. And eventually he'll flee. It might take a while because the lie is so ingrained. [00:36:38] Speaker B: Right. Well, Ephesians 4, 25 says, Therefore put away, having put away all falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor. But we are members of one another. So just like with. I keep going back to the tree thing. I'm sorry. [00:36:53] Speaker A: No, I think it's prophetic or something. [00:36:55] Speaker B: But like, you know, you get one twig that catches a disease and then that disease spreads to the other twig. Then by the time it's done that one member has spread that disease all the way through that twig. [00:37:08] Speaker A: And it could have been caught in the beginning. [00:37:10] Speaker B: Yeah. And if it had just been caught. If they had felt comfortable, if they had felt comfortable enough to come clean. But the lie keeps you from being comfortable. Lie tells you that it's going to be bad. [00:37:27] Speaker A: Well, that's a good point. If you had felt comfortable enough. So I think that that is, I think that's one of the other lies that Satan tells you is he makes you feel like God is legalistic and religious and your spouse is as well. And if you don't, you know, measure up to that level of, I don't know, godliness and if you have any flaws, then you can't come clean because you're gonna be judged. [00:37:55] Speaker B: You're completely isolated. [00:37:56] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:37:57] Speaker B: You're on this little bitty island with this one little lie and all you've got is sharks and whatever else eats you in the ocean. I don't swim in the ocean right now, but sharks on this one little bitty sandy island. And it's got you isolated from everything. You know, if you decide that you want to swim to the shore, then you're going to get eaten. So out of fear, you stay in. [00:38:23] Speaker A: The lie, which is not exactly true, but that's what we think. [00:38:26] Speaker B: That's what we think in our head. That's what it convinces, is that, well, man, if you come clean now, I mean, I got you now, if you come clean now, you're going to lose everything. It's all one. Absolutely. So maybe we need to talk about, because we've covered the lies, how they start and what they do. Maybe we need to cover about forgiveness and how, how to do that. What's the best way to come clean with everything or what? Okay, so when you found out all this that you found about my affairs, sexual addiction, everything. I'm assuming the first thing you did was you got angry. [00:39:18] Speaker A: Actually, it was, it was complete devastation. And I got to be honest, my first thought was about myself. [00:39:28] Speaker B: Right. [00:39:28] Speaker A: And the pain and what you did to me. And, and that happens to us a lot because my God, we just, our whole entire world was just shaken. Shaken. But eventually I have these moments where I feel like the Holy Spirit, he's like, I know it hurts, but you need to see this the way I see it. [00:39:47] Speaker B: Okay, so after that, it's been almost a year, so what has it been like? I know that you had to forgive. You can't ever forget, which is understandable, but you had to forgive. So tell me what you've done and what you have studied. If you've done anything like that, tell me, tell me the steps that you've taken to forgive the lies. [00:40:18] Speaker A: Well, I know we talked about forgiveness a couple episodes back, but I would, I would say the Holy Spirit has to lead through it. I think it might be different for everyone, but I think that one of the things you have to remember is that you have your own sins that you've committed. You have your own character flaws. And so when you come face to face with it and you realize that the blood of Jesus not only covered your spouse's sin in this horrific thing they just did to you, but it also covered things that you've done. I mean, can you really stand back and say, I've never hurt my spouse. I've never done anything to hurt anyone else. [00:40:59] Speaker B: I think we've all heard each other. [00:41:00] Speaker A: We absolutely have. Absolutely. And that's the whole point is, is that we hurt each other. That's just human nature. It sucks. And it's because we are so broken and damaged and honestly, without Christ, we're very self centered. And I think that we can even. [00:41:21] Speaker B: Still be self centered today. Yeah, you know, I mean, I Think. [00:41:25] Speaker A: I think first it started with the shock and the devastation. I was angry, but I was also hurt. I had to work through all the stages of grief, which I'm still. I think I'm still working through some of that. But really it was him letting me see you through his eyes. Understanding and see almost like seeing you as a child and seeing the pain of being neglected, of not getting what you needed, and then going into the military and the things that you saw in the military and the things that you experienced, how horrible that was. And that broke my heart because I'll never feel that. I'll never have to experience that. Hopefully. [00:42:06] Speaker B: That's some pretty incredible stories. I know. [00:42:08] Speaker A: Well, I know, just. But the things that you saw and the pain that you experienced and the grief of it, I will never have to live through that, probably. So I think that gave me passion and compassion, I believe is the key to forgiveness. [00:42:23] Speaker B: Right. [00:42:24] Speaker A: Without it, it's just. It's just you going through the motions, which sometimes you have to do that. But if you can, if you can let God show you the why. [00:42:33] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:42:35] Speaker A: Why somebody did it, then you can start to understand it and see it in a different way and go, okay, I can understand why you did that. [00:42:43] Speaker B: For the partner, husband or wife that was the one that was cheated on or lied. Coming at it with the belief that there is no excuse for what you. [00:43:00] Speaker A: Yeah. You can't. I'm not letting you off the hook. [00:43:02] Speaker B: For sure. Right. Take a pause before you say that because maybe that person. Yes. The person lied to you. That's a horrible thing that I did. It's a horrible thing that other people. But I think that. I think that instead of accusing that person, I think if you take a step back and you say, okay, what in the world just happened? [00:43:26] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:43:28] Speaker B: Because. Because I think God can approach you better if you're level headed and you're calm. Because anger, you know, never brings about the right, never brings about a good thing, never got the right. That's what I look for. It never brings about the righteousness of God, but it always brings death. [00:43:45] Speaker A: Absolutely. I mean, when it's uncontrolled. Yes, yes. [00:43:49] Speaker B: Right. And I'm not saying that you should have acted like Mary Poppins and Sound of Music, but I think that you handled it very well. But even the day of, you were thinking, okay, and then when Biz called you, and Biz is the ex special forces guy that we know in town and his wife was one of the police officers that responded and he called her and he told Her. We already talked about that part about how the bill judged me one way, if they don't break it down. [00:44:20] Speaker A: He told me, he said, I know it's not fair what he did to you, but it's not fair what happened to us either. And that really shifted my perspective because there's so many people who don't have mercy. It's like, you know, it's a spiritual gift. I mean the Bible talks about certain gifts. Mercy is actually a gift. And I have a gift of that now. That doesn't mean that I want to run around being merciful every day and people just stepping all over me because there are moments I feel that when I get in my flesh, I feel that way. I'm like, I just a doormat for everyone who's ever walked the earth to just crap on me, you know? [00:44:55] Speaker B: Right. [00:44:56] Speaker A: I know we all feel like that sometimes. But I think about and I can, you know how I can get all worked up about the mercy seat. And when I talk about as I taught about that in January and it just like wrecked my, my walk with God in my life when I saw the great links that God went to so that he could extend mercy to us. [00:45:17] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:45:18] Speaker A: And when you talk about the mercy seat, it is that place between the two cherubim on the ark of the covenant. Right. And so God could have called that thing anything. He could have said, this is my throne of judgment. This is the, I don't know, the, whatever you want to call it. But he said this is the mercy seat because it's heart was to show mercy. [00:45:38] Speaker B: Yes. The mercy seat of Christ is probably one of the greatest gifts that would be. [00:45:43] Speaker A: Absolutely. And so we are called, if that's how he is called, to be that way as well. Extending mercy to someone will change them more than you criticizing, beating them down, tell them what a loser they are. But actually extending mercy may change their life forever. [00:46:03] Speaker B: It did yours cool health prevail. Cool heads prevailed. And yes, it completely wrecked my life after everything came out. It just changed everything. [00:46:13] Speaker A: Well, one of the things you told me is you had never met, you had never met a real Christian like me. You said, I have never met anyone who actually was a Christian. They said they were, but when it came down to it and I messed up, they just threw me out. Like, just get out of my life. [00:46:27] Speaker B: You're a freaking loser, man. I was called Satan and the devil and that I was never going nothing, you know. [00:46:36] Speaker A: And I'm like, so those lies get. [00:46:38] Speaker B: I'm sick. [00:46:39] Speaker A: You start adopting those into your personality and your belief system, you know, and. [00:46:43] Speaker B: Every time you think that you got a leg up on it, that little lying spirit comes and thinks you're sick. Yeah, you're the devil. You're never going to, because you didn't, you know, that's why I would describe lying. It's like being on a little island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and. Because you can't get away, you know, and that's why you. I've always thought of you and your family as more of a life bridge. Yes, I was on this island. There was a bridge that came over and I could get past all the horrible things that were in the water to get to dry land. [00:47:18] Speaker A: Isn't that what Christians are supposed to be? [00:47:21] Speaker B: Absolutely. That's. And you don't see it anymore. [00:47:24] Speaker A: But we have this cookie cutter version of Christianity where nobody ever hurts me. Life is perfect. But what if God wants to use your life to save someone else's? Literally. [00:47:37] Speaker B: And we're finding examples of that now with this podcast, you know, is that, you know, before we even started this, I was like, there are veterans and there are people out there going through this and that need help. And I think that we're just showing a light to them and saying, man, you know what? Yeah, you did horrible things. What you did is forgivable, but it's not excusable. And there's a way to get to redemption and a way to get from conviction to the Lord. Because one thing about it, it's coming clean. Yes, coming clean. But one thing about it is that God doesn't condemn you for sin. He will expose your sin. But God has never condemned me for the horrible things I did in the Middle East. [00:48:27] Speaker A: He already did it through his son. [00:48:28] Speaker B: He already did it through Jesus Christ. He sent his son to hell for three days. [00:48:33] Speaker A: There's this song we've been listening to that I keep getting wrecked by the bridge. It's like it says, I will not fear. I will not fear when the enemy comes near. On the doorpost of my life is the blood of Jesus Christ. And that to me is like, I just can't stop thinking about how powerful Jesus blood is. And I think that it's unbelief when we think that our sin is too great for the blood of Jesus. Like, no, no, no, you don't understand how bad my sin. It's worse than all. [00:49:07] Speaker B: That's not true. That's where I was. That's where I was for so long. And then when God finally started speaking to Me and saying, all right, buddy. Yeah, You've been doing this long enough. It's time to. It's trying to slow the break down a little bit, you know, And. And he gave me chance after chance, and I kept. I kept negotiating with the supreme being of the. [00:49:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:49:25] Speaker B: Universe. [00:49:25] Speaker A: You don't know how bad it is. He's like, are you serious? Like, you think that my blood not powerful enough? [00:49:30] Speaker B: Right. You know, there's a really cute story that. That I heard on TikTok, of all places, the other day, and it's about this little boy who called into a radio station in Nebraska, and he's like, I had to put down my calf. And I cry every dang time I hear this. And he said, you know, this cow was sick. It was born, you know, with all kinds of ailments wrong with it. It couldn't really walk. And he's like, well, he said it was out in the pasture walking around best it could, and another cow kicked it and broke its back, and he had to put it down. And he's like. At first, my dad said he would put it down, but he said, you know what? It's my responsibility to let me do it. This kid was like, five or six. [00:50:15] Speaker A: Yeah. Well, I think he was like eight or nine. [00:50:17] Speaker B: Yeah, right. And then he started talking to God, and he's like, God, why did you do this? This calf was special. This calf gave me. He made me feel good. Why would you do that? And God spoke to the little boy. It's like, you know what? My son was special. And I sent him to this planet to die for you and your sins. And that wrecks me every time I hear it. But I think that the most precious thing he had. Right. And he did that because he didn't want to condemn us. He didn't want to pass judgment on us. And the only way he could do it is to send his child down here to be abused and beat and harassed and to feel hunger and pain. And he did that because he wanted us to have the same thing that he has. [00:51:03] Speaker A: He wanted us to be with him. [00:51:04] Speaker B: It's forgiveness in the father of lies tells you that you're not accessible to that anymore. And as long as you keep believing that you're in that grass. [00:51:18] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, not only is he. You know, you talk about salvation, which is everything, right. The foundation of everything. It's also like, he uses stuff like that, believing these lies about yourself or your spouse or whatever to destroy the marriage. Because if you believe that your sin is so much Greater and you can't be forgiven. Then you're not going to interact and you're not going to fellowship with God and that's going to create distance and that's going to create friction between you and your spouse. And your kids are going to know and you're grumpy all the time and you're angry and all these, you know, I mean, this is like a trickle effect all the way through the family. [00:51:56] Speaker B: Well, if your kids are growing up and they're seeing you to snap each other and there's always tension at home, they're going to carry that to their families. When they start having. They're going to carry that same attitude. And that's where a generational curse start and you have to break it. [00:52:14] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:52:15] Speaker B: Okay, so now, today, where do you see yourself today? How are you feeling about the past? And you've gone through it. You've forgiven the best you can, but you haven't forgotten which. That should never happen. [00:52:31] Speaker A: Yeah, you can't. Forgiveness is not a perfect bow tie. Here's how I forgive. I mean, it's really imperfect and you don't always do it well. So I think people need to just, hey, you know, don't be so hard on yourself. It affects you well, and you don't do it right. And some days you're doing great and the next day you're pissed off again. You know what I mean? Like, it just. [00:52:50] Speaker B: What did you. [00:52:51] Speaker A: Sorry. I'm just being real. I'm just being real. [00:52:55] Speaker B: Let's be real with this. [00:52:56] Speaker A: But how am I doing? So I think. I think I get a little bit better every day. [00:53:01] Speaker B: Yeah, it's not going to happen overnight. It's going to take a while. [00:53:04] Speaker A: But it's what we're talking about, what it is, is me recognizing lies. Whether they be lies, I'm believing about me. Whether they be lies, I'm believing about you or our future. I have to take them captive. That's what scripture says. Take every thought captive. When you know that it is not coming from the Spirit of God. The only thing you can do is to take it captive, bring it under the lordship of Christ. And I don't do this well all the time. And you know that this is a struggle for me, but I have been so convicted lately. And the Holy Spirit keeps talking to me about this, about letting the light of God shine into my mind almost and expel the darkness that's there because it's there. And we all have lies that we believe. You may think that you don't but you do, right? And the thing is, I think right now, I guess I could say I'm speaking a little bit prophetically, I feel like he is busy. The Lord is wanting to uncover lies and that we believe about ourselves and that we believe about him and that we believe about each other. Because it brings division, it brings separation, it brings destruction. And he wants. I mean, because he's coming back for a bride without spot or wrinkle. Right? [00:54:23] Speaker B: Right. [00:54:23] Speaker A: Blemish free. So how can you get that? Well, you're not going to get that if you believe a bunch of lies and you're disconnected from your spouse and you're fighting all the time and you hate people and you're just this miserable Christian. [00:54:34] Speaker B: All you got to do is just check your family, you know, and adults act like adults. And I know that I'm a little bit hypocritical saying that, but I think that. I think that if you're caught, admit it and don't do it in front of your. Go to a quiet place, take a drive, do something and just work it out amongst you two. Because in all honesty, it's not any of your kids business. You know, this is between two grown people who are going through something difficult and they're hurt. One of them is hurt more than the other one, obviously. And I'm pretty sure the hurt one has some very choice words to say, because I know, I've been there, I've been there. But. But I think that communication in a private setting, away from everything, a neutral party, probably. Well, we have a neutral party. [00:55:28] Speaker A: Yeah. I think. I think it's smart to have a counselor or something to kind of navigate that. [00:55:34] Speaker B: Yeah. You can't. Okay. So if you call it an infidelity, you can't just say, I'm not gonna do it like I do. You've got to go to counsel. You've got to get to the root cause of why you're going through. You know, if I had gotten home from the hospital and just said, okay, I'm better now, I would not have been better. [00:55:54] Speaker A: And I don't think we'd be married. [00:55:55] Speaker B: I don't think we'd be married if. [00:55:57] Speaker A: I hadn't have seen the. The actual effort, the intentionality, the change, as I see you walk with God and the change that he makes in you. [00:56:07] Speaker B: Right. [00:56:07] Speaker A: I mean, that's what keeps me hopeful. That's what keeps me in it. I have moments where I slip, you know? [00:56:14] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:56:14] Speaker A: And it's like we are. We are figuring out that if we don't get into the Bible and pray every single day. Every single day. [00:56:20] Speaker B: It's very noticeable. [00:56:21] Speaker A: It's very noticeable. I start getting dark. My mind starts getting dark again. I start falling into depression and lies and all that. Because honestly, depression is just a result of believing lies. [00:56:32] Speaker B: Absolutely. Death and lying is the sin. [00:56:35] Speaker A: Yes. [00:56:36] Speaker B: You know, so you're, you're caught up in a sin, the sins making you depressed. So don't do it. [00:56:40] Speaker A: Don't do it. [00:56:41] Speaker B: Don't do it. [00:56:42] Speaker A: Just don't do it. [00:56:44] Speaker B: Well, and I think it's really important. [00:56:45] Speaker A: Just don't do it. [00:56:46] Speaker B: Just don't do it. Lies. Just don't do it. But, but I think, you know what, we need to go ahead and market that. We're going to, we're going to copyright that right now. But I think that, I think that's important for the other party. Always be approachable. [00:57:01] Speaker A: I was going to say that. I said that earlier. [00:57:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:57:03] Speaker A: See, you got to create an environment in your marriage where the other person feels safe enough to tell you the dang truth and get their head bitten off. [00:57:10] Speaker B: Yeah. If there's no communication in that marriage, you are doomed. [00:57:13] Speaker A: But if, but if one of you is kind of like the overlord of the marriage and, and they're the one that keep, you know, you know, the other person is going to feel like I can never do anything. Right. So I'm not going to tell them this because they're going to kill me. [00:57:27] Speaker B: Right, Absolutely. [00:57:28] Speaker A: So. [00:57:29] Speaker B: Because words hurt, you know, and attitudes hurt. And whenever you come up, someone's like, hey, man, I'm really. I need to talk to you about something. What? [00:57:36] Speaker A: I know. All of a sudden you're like, right. [00:57:38] Speaker B: And you don't want to do it anymore. You don't want to do it anymore because you're like, geez, I didn't told you yet. Look at your response. So you carry it with you, and then that also causes. It causes sickness. [00:57:51] Speaker A: That is a good point. Sickness, like literal sickness. I know. Like, like sin. It leads to death. So it leads to like physical sickness in the body. And that's what we started seeing with you, like after all this came out. Well, you have had multiple physical things going on with your health that have come out that if you hadn't gone through it, we wouldn't even know. [00:58:16] Speaker B: Yeah, I have a 4.5 centimeter or millimeter. Yeah, centimeter. Aortic aneurysm, which is a big deal. Which is a big deal. At five. I'll have to have surgery on it. But Right now it's just 4.5, but we got my blood pressure control. We're praying about it. You know, we're asking for God's hand on it. I asked for your hands on it. You know, I asked for your hands and your prayers about that, but also some of the elements you've got going on, you know. [00:58:43] Speaker A: But I have wondered, because that day, you probably don't remember this, that day of the incident, you kept saying, my head hurts, my head hurts, my head hurts. [00:58:53] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:58:55] Speaker A: And I don't know if that was something going on with, you know, like, at that moment. Is that when this happened? [00:59:02] Speaker B: I don't know. It's a good point. [00:59:02] Speaker A: I know. Like, I think about that all the time. Like, were you almost on the verge of having. Yeah, whatever. [00:59:09] Speaker B: Well, the bad thing about aortic aneurysm is that when they rupture, there's like a 99. You're going on. [00:59:16] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. [00:59:17] Speaker B: So, yeah. I don't know. I know I'm here by the grace of God. [00:59:22] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:59:22] Speaker B: You know, and. And I'm thankful for that. That, you know, what God saw. God exposed it. He brought us through it. And I feel like I'm doing some of the purpose that God has for me now. I don't like the way it's going about, but I think that. I think. [00:59:38] Speaker A: I mean, even though now in this moment, you're struggling with believing lies about yourself, like, the business isn't taking off the way you want, so now you struggle with feeling inadequate or feeling defective or something. I'm sure. [00:59:52] Speaker B: Right. [00:59:53] Speaker A: I mean, this is ongoing stuff, and if you allowed that in, guess what would happen? You might turn back to an addiction to cope with it. [01:00:01] Speaker B: Well. And I guess one thing you got to do is you've got to keep yourself busy, you know, like me. I know. It's a just. I just finished this huge project for a customer in her VRBO cabin in Mena, Arkansas. And after it was over, on the way home, I automatically started thinking about things that I had to do when I got home. And I don't sit still very. You know, so I have to do things to keep my mind occupied. And I'm not saying that's a daily struggle, not sin, but I do things to keep myself busy. Like, I started thinking, okay, winter's coming up. I have no firewood that season. I got to cut down some trees on the property to get firewood. And then I communicate with you. You know, I'm doing things that. Idle hands. [01:00:56] Speaker A: What's that story? I think as long as you're not doing it so that you don't have to deal with emotions underneath it, that's one thing. Because some people, you know, like, some people lose their child and they're in grief, and they just are like, oh, my God, I just have to go back to work. I can't. Well, I get that. But at some point, you have to deal with what's underneath that because you can't keep suppressing it. So I think depending on why you're doing it, which for you, I think it's just, hey, I think the idle hands is the devil's playground or something like that. [01:01:26] Speaker B: Is that what it is? I don't like that. [01:01:27] Speaker A: Yeah, I probably just messed it up. But I agree. I mean, I do think that one of the cures for depression is to do something meaningful. [01:01:34] Speaker B: Work, work, and work. [01:01:36] Speaker A: Do something for someone else. [01:01:37] Speaker B: Doing something for someone else. And, yeah, we were just laughing because I think my business is more of a servitude thing. [01:01:42] Speaker A: Ministries. [01:01:43] Speaker B: It's a ministry right now. And I'm like, lord Servitude's not paying the bill, you know? But God spoke to me, and he's like. He's like, just do this. Ride it out. Quit complaining, and just do what I've given you the talent to do. Because I never had this talent until just a couple of years ago. [01:02:03] Speaker A: Yeah, you, like, had. There's no way you should know how to do this. It's like you just woke up and you're like, I want to try to do this, and you did it. [01:02:09] Speaker B: And then, like I said, I have a supportive spouse who's like, okay, well. [01:02:14] Speaker A: I see the benefit of. Especially someone with ptsd. They need something, an outlet. And for you, it's working with your hands, and it brings some kind of therapeutic healing to you. [01:02:26] Speaker B: Right. [01:02:26] Speaker A: And that's not like. For me, it's probably something artistic, you know, like, making soap became something very healing for me. Of course, music, sometimes writing, just things like that. I think those are super important. [01:02:41] Speaker B: But you got a couple books you need to finish now. Okay, so we're in the present. [01:02:47] Speaker A: Yeah, we're almost. We're at one minute. We're at one hour and three minutes. [01:02:51] Speaker B: Well, okay. So the future and lying now. What is the best way to ensure that people can come to you and say, hey, you know what? I'm having a hard time. Because the last thing that a person needs whenever they're going through something is condemnation. [01:03:13] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. [01:03:14] Speaker B: So how can you make sure that the partner that has struggled in the past can come to you and say, you know what, I'm having a hard time right now without feeling condemned. What do you need to do in the future? [01:03:30] Speaker A: I think you need to have regular conversations about it. I need to say to you, I realize sometimes I overreact, but I need you to know that you have the freedom to come and tell me. I want you to tell me if you're struggling. I want to be involved with that. Yes. I can't meet all of your needs, but God probably wants me to meet some of them and help you. I'm your helper. I mean, help me. So let me help you. Like, you have the freedom and it's safe to come here and tell me if you're struggling. So if you freak out every time your spouse tells you something, they're going to stop telling. [01:04:08] Speaker B: Yeah. If your spouse, if the person who lied has a panic attack just thinking about talking to you, it's not his problem or her problem, it's yours. [01:04:17] Speaker A: Like you're causing it. [01:04:18] Speaker B: You've made yourself unapproachable. [01:04:19] Speaker A: Yes. [01:04:20] Speaker B: And, and that's not. [01:04:21] Speaker A: And I think that's a lot of what's happening in marriages is one person makes the other one feel unapproachable. See, with you, I don't think I would ever, like, you're super laid back and casual and like, judge like, because I know where you've been and you're just like, listen, ain't got no room to judge anyone. So me, though, I struggle more with like, like religious pride and self righteousness because I haven't done some of those things. You know what I mean? My life was really kind of squeaky clean for the most part, you know, so it can be real easy for me to be like, oh, I can't believe you did that. How could you? And princess of the space. So I'm trying to like not be that person. [01:05:00] Speaker B: Right. [01:05:00] Speaker A: I'm just, I'm just super blessed that God preserved me and kept me safe and out of some of those situations, I mean, I can't take credit for it was him. [01:05:10] Speaker B: Right. [01:05:10] Speaker A: So I think it's making yourself telling your partner, you can come to me. [01:05:16] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:05:16] Speaker A: Okay. I'm not going to freak out. And if you feel on the inside you're going to freak out, don't show your partner that you're freaking out. [01:05:22] Speaker B: Well, just something. It's also important that you stay proactive with your, your customer, with your spouse's mental health. [01:05:33] Speaker A: Yes. [01:05:33] Speaker B: Go to their appointments with. [01:05:35] Speaker A: Yeah, I do that sometimes with You? [01:05:36] Speaker B: Yeah, sometimes. At first, I had to have you with me at first because I was going into unknown territory. I didn't know what I was doing. Stay active with your spouse's mental health. If you see them having a hard time, what you'll do with me is like, hey, man, you're having a hard time. Yeah, you can see me. You can see me fidgety and not comfortable. Learn your spouse's keys or learn your partner, men or women. Learn their. What's the word I'm looking for? Yeah. Learn the signs, symptoms, and the tells of what when they're having a difficult. [01:06:14] Speaker A: Time so that you can in some way help them and reinforce it and create an environment where it's safe for them to heal, for crying out loud. [01:06:23] Speaker B: If it's nothing more than sitting on the couch and just looking at them, you know, being present, be present. Because I know on the veteran side, I know on the veteran side, when I'm having a hard time and I've got this spirit that tells me, you're a horrible person. Look at what you did over there. Or a flashback happens, or my anxiety just hits for no reason. I can't explain it. I hate it. I know it's comforting deep down inside when I'm going through this. I know you're there, and I know that you're not going to condemn me for it. That was a year ago. [01:07:04] Speaker A: Get over it. [01:07:04] Speaker B: It will be for the rest of my life. And I think that having a spouse that is a rock, that is that person, that lighthouse, that you can look there and say, okay, that's my path getting better. And I feel sorry for the people who don't have that, you know, because they don't have that spouse. You know, they got caught in cheating and their spouse just left. And I'm so sorry for that. I mean, yes, it was wrong. I'm not going to justify the action. Did God want a divorce? Probably not. But we're in our flesh. Our flesh is weak and we get hurt. It's gotten too easy to get a divorce. So if you're alone and you've been. And you've been gone through a divorce because you have cheated or because you're post traumatic stress disorder? And man, just give me a call, send me a text, you know, or send me a message somehow. [01:08:01] Speaker A: Are you gonna get your number out? [01:08:02] Speaker B: I am not giving my number out. [01:08:04] Speaker A: How are they gonna text you? [01:08:05] Speaker B: I just got this number. [01:08:07] Speaker A: And you can email [email protected] yeah, send me. And I'll forward it to him, and. [01:08:12] Speaker B: Then she'll forward it to me. And then after I felt that you're not like a bot or something, then I got no problem. I'll call you. But I want to be the guy that you can come to and say, man, you know what? You know what I've been through and you know what I'm going through now? Because, just because you've gone through a divorce, it doesn't mean that you have to be alone. If you can't, if you don't have a friend, which I have one friend in Florida, I can call Adam at any time. You have a friend, man, wear out that friendship. Stay with them, you know, heck, stay at their house. Do whatever you got to do to make sure that you have a solid foundation person. [01:08:51] Speaker A: And I would say that. Don't think you're an inconvenience to a person, especially if there's. If they're truly a Christian, they're not going to see you that way. [01:08:59] Speaker B: Absolutely. [01:08:59] Speaker A: They're going to be. They're going to feel like it's an honor to help you. [01:09:02] Speaker B: Well, your friends. After everything that I did, your friends were. Well, were amazing. They. They saw forgiveness and. [01:09:11] Speaker A: They saw forgiveness and their husbands and they. Yeah, they're your friends. [01:09:15] Speaker B: Yeah, they're husbands. And then once everything comes out, you realize that you're not alone. [01:09:22] Speaker A: You're not alone. [01:09:23] Speaker B: You're not alone. [01:09:23] Speaker A: That's one of the lies we believe. [01:09:25] Speaker B: Absolutely. Nobody has ever done this. Nobody's gone through anything remotely like this. Put the brakes on, buddy, because there are people. There are more people than you think in your family maybe, who are going through. [01:09:36] Speaker A: Yeah, you'd probably be shocked. [01:09:37] Speaker B: You would be shocked to know how many people. But like I said, if you're going through a hard time like this and you are alone, shoot a text. Shoot an email to Shannon underscore strange. [01:09:47] Speaker A: It's shanna strange.net don't be giving my personal email. [01:09:53] Speaker B: Well, I don't know which one it is. [01:09:55] Speaker A: I'll put it in the show notes. [01:09:56] Speaker B: Yeah, put it in the show notes and just. Man, I'll talk to you. God's got me on lockdown right now, so I'm just stuck at the house. [01:10:06] Speaker A: And we're super excited because in two weeks we're going to Houston. We're. We're working on a certification for marriage coaching. Our intent and I talked about this before, but our intent is we feel strongly like God is calling us to help other people in this situation. And we are even looking at building structures on our property. [01:10:26] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:10:26] Speaker A: To. To host things and to bring people out here that. [01:10:30] Speaker B: Because the house we have is like 40 times too big for us. [01:10:33] Speaker A: Yeah. But anyways, so that's just a little bonus thing we have coming up. But I would just say as we're wrapping up, please make sure you subscribe to our podcast. Whatever platform you're using, even if it's on YouTube, you can definitely subscribe to my channel. And then make sure it helps us so much. I don't think people realize this. How do you grow podcast? By people liking it, by people sharing it, but people rating it. If you can rate it and not give us a bad rating, give us a good rating because it helps bring it up into the search results. People are looking for marriage, and we're. [01:11:10] Speaker B: Not doing this for any type of selfish reason whatsoever. We're truly doing this because we have been through hell and we're back. And being with that person when you find them back into the grace of God again is really a beautiful thing to see. And there's redemption in everything. There is no condemnation. [01:11:31] Speaker A: God is in the business of restoration. [01:11:34] Speaker B: He is not in the business of condemning anything. I know that there are some religions out there that will tell you that you are going to be condemned. No, you're not. That defeats the purpose of what Jesus came this earth for. He came this earth for me, and I am the least of the worst. You know, so just. I'm going to say before we close, veterans, if you're having a hard time, you have any negative thoughts, please call 988 Veteran Suicide Hotline. I have never. I've had a couple of, you know, iffy experiences with the va, but for the most part, man, mine is five stars. They are there for. [01:12:12] Speaker A: I can't wait till we. We have, like, our website and people can book calls with us and things like that can actually get to us better than the way that we're having to do it right now. But anyway, I guess we should wrap it up. [01:12:25] Speaker B: That's right. I love you all. [01:12:27] Speaker A: Love you at all Right. [01:12:30] Speaker B: Thank you so much, guys. [01:12:31] Speaker A: Guys, have a good week. [01:12:32] Speaker B: Have a blessed week. [01:12:44] Speaker A: Oh, my love don't let it grow cold in the night.