The Unsexy Work of Building a Great Marriage

[00:00:15] Speaker A: Catch us little foxes. They're feasting on our own. They're cruel. Yay. [00:00:27] Speaker B: Yay. It has been a while. [00:00:29] Speaker A: We. We say that every time we do. [00:00:32] Speaker B: We get kind of lax, but it's. [00:00:34] Speaker A: Our only feedback that we have is. [00:00:37] Speaker B: Sorry, we got to feed the machines that we are working. [00:00:42] Speaker A: We're working a lot. And this week is Valentine's Day week. [00:00:49] Speaker B: Valentine's Day. Absolutely. [00:00:52] Speaker A: Love birds. Yeah. Love birds. [00:00:54] Speaker B: La la la. [00:00:56] Speaker A: Yeah. So we are gonna jump into something very unsexy today. [00:01:03] Speaker B: Very unsexy. It's kind of gross. Just kidding. [00:01:06] Speaker A: What? [00:01:08] Speaker B: Just kidding. Yeah. That's the unsexy side of building a great marriage. [00:01:11] Speaker A: Yeah. The unsexy work of building a great marriage. [00:01:16] Speaker B: That's right, Ann. It is not only about sex. [00:01:21] Speaker A: Well, I mean, it's. It's so much more than just what we see on the movies or what we, you know, because, I mean, so many women, we come into me, especially when we're young, just really naive and kind of dumb and thinking, okay, if God wants me to be with this person, it's just going to be easy and beautiful, and it's always going to be romantic. [00:01:40] Speaker B: That means God doesn't want you with anyone. It's never going to be easy. [00:01:44] Speaker A: You should never get married. [00:01:45] Speaker B: It's not always going to be romantic. Matter of fact, 95%, 95% of the time, it is not romantic. It's just work. Yeah. It's just work. Get tired, come home tired. [00:01:58] Speaker A: And there's nothing wrong with that. And I think people need to realize that it's not abnormal for your marriage to be work. And for you to have to. In order to build a great marriage is not going to just happen. And no one has a great marriage just because they just work. Wish they had a great marriage. [00:02:18] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:02:19] Speaker A: Like, I wish I had a great body. Well, that's great. But if you don't do something, unless you were born with a great body, which I guess there's like two people in the whole world that maybe fall into that. You know, like the rest of us, we have to, like, do something. [00:02:33] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:33] Speaker A: We have to work towards it. And so I just was thinking about this on the way home earlier about, gosh, you know, I just still to this day, I'm 48. I'm so old anyways. And I still find myself when she. [00:02:49] Speaker B: Says that, that's the only time that I want to slap her. [00:02:51] Speaker A: Right. Whatever. And so I still find myself, even at my age, thinking that. That, you know, marriage should just work and should be easy because God put us together. And why is it still. Sometimes we still struggle, even though we've been to hell and back. And I think that our marriage is completely different than it was before. [00:03:14] Speaker B: Our marriage changed so much in the. [00:03:16] Speaker A: Past, but it still works. We still have to try, and we have to be intentional, and we have. [00:03:22] Speaker B: To. [00:03:24] Speaker A: Do things that are very unsexy, to be honest with you. [00:03:27] Speaker B: Right. We do. It's not always gonna be easy. It's not always. You know, some people get married with a precept. Television has ruined marriage. [00:03:35] Speaker A: Right. Especially for women. [00:03:36] Speaker B: Yeah. When we grew up, we had it. Leave it. I'm going to show my age here. [00:03:40] Speaker A: Did you say leave it to Beaver? Is that what you're saying? [00:03:43] Speaker B: Well, not all. I'm Archie all the way, but then, you know, you have those marriages, those shows for. Marriage was fantastic. It was always easy. The husband was always dressed nice. Wife was always dressed nice. That is not marriage at all. [00:04:00] Speaker A: Remember that. That video I sent you the other day? [00:04:03] Speaker B: Yeah, that's pretty funny. [00:04:05] Speaker A: It was, like, before marriage and they were dating and they were just in love. And then after married, if they got married, it was just gross. Like, it was. I'm not even gonna say what they were doing anyway. [00:04:15] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:16] Speaker A: So, you know, most people think a good marriage should feel romantic, easy, and spontaneous, but the work that actually builds a great marriage rarely feels romantic or sexy or fun even right now. [00:04:30] Speaker B: You should always be attracted to your spouse. I don't think that. That's not. I don't think that's part of it. I think I'm always attracted to you. [00:04:39] Speaker A: Yeah, I know. But sometimes, as far as romance. I agree. I agree. But here's what happens. When people are married for a long time, they. It becomes like they're not attracted to each other anymore because they've grown so far apart, or they've. They've got bitterness in their heart, or they're contentious. You know, like, it's. To that place where, like, there's no attraction left. [00:05:03] Speaker B: Yes. [00:05:03] Speaker A: You know, I agree, and I hate that, because that's a hard. That's a hard place to be. I mean, it's hard to recover from that when you get that far into it. That's why I think we try to catch people more talking to people. We're talking to people that hopefully have not gotten that far, where they're just like, I can't stand you. You know what I mean? [00:05:23] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:05:23] Speaker A: Even though you still can recover from that, I do believe God can change your heart. But, man, is it hard. [00:05:29] Speaker B: It Is hard. It's hard to let go of the hurt because that's the one way Satan gets into your marriage. Through the hurt and through the hard feelings. Like, what did he really mean he loved me? He said it in a weird way. [00:05:41] Speaker A: Well, there's also forgiveness issues. I think that when we, you know, forgiveness is a daily thing and even though you technically have forgiven, it still comes up and you still have to fight it. It's like, know, golly, when is this ever just going to stop being an issue where I can just live freely? I don't know that it ever is. I think the longer time goes on and you keep doing the right thing, it does get easier. But I think that's always going to be a choice. Absolutely. [00:06:08] Speaker B: Well, if your marriage feels intentional, structured, or, you know, even. Even like, come home sometimes and you and I are this way now. Sometimes you all come home, be like, hi. You'll be like, hey. And then there's that awkward moment of silence. I mean, we've done that since we got married. [00:06:24] Speaker A: Well, or thinking there's something wrong with the other person I'm badgering to death until they tell you what's wrong with them. [00:06:29] Speaker B: Something you need to tell me? [00:06:31] Speaker A: We both do that. We both do that to each other. But you know what? The other day there was something wrong with you, and you finally broke down and told me after I badgered you for two days straight about it. I think that you were holding it all in. Well, anyway, we got it worked out. Right. So. But anyway, you know, I think that the point is that we're trying to make is sometimes it is going to feel intentional or structured and not romantic and fun and spontaneous, but that's normal for a healthy marriage. [00:07:06] Speaker B: It doesn't mean that you're not broken. It doesn't mean that your marriage is on the rock. Just means that you guys have hit a groove where everything else is taking priority. [00:07:17] Speaker A: Yeah. You have to actually build a marriage if you want it to be. If you want to last. But you also want it to be a great marriage. [00:07:26] Speaker B: Right. [00:07:26] Speaker A: It is not going to just happen just like a house. Like you work in construction. A house doesn't just one day fall out of the sky. And there's the house and it's perfect. [00:07:35] Speaker B: I wish. [00:07:36] Speaker A: Right. How long? I mean, you know, when the, when the foundation's being laid for a house, that's probably, probably one of the most time consuming things that goes on. And a lot happens. Like, you know, like the plumbing goes in. [00:07:46] Speaker B: Yeah. The worst houses to work on. Are the newer. I'd rather take care of houses. 60s, 70s, because they're just. They use cheap product, and it breaks all the time. [00:08:02] Speaker A: That's true. You know, we watch some of those rehab shows, and they'll. They'll find houses that are like 500 years old and the wood is still good. And you're like, holy cow. [00:08:13] Speaker B: And that's your marriage, in a blanket sense, is that you've got a new marriage, things fall apart because it's new. And then over time, you put new things in to fix what's broken or put things in to fix what's strained. And then after time, when the next person buys your house after you guys are gone, they're like, okay, this is a nice home. A little older, but the foundation, the framing, still good. So, you know, you kind of compare it to a house. Yeah, that's what it should be. Skeleton of it is still strong after. How old is it? 100 years old. [00:08:53] Speaker A: That's what's so hard, I think, is when you first get married, you go into it not knowing that you probably don't have a foundation. [00:09:01] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:09:02] Speaker A: And the only way to really build a true foundation, we believe, is with God in the center of it. Otherwise, you're not building the same thing. Right. And he has to be the one trolling the foundation built and what it needs to look like. And I think that's when we started rebuilding our marriage in 2024, after all everything came out. It's like God stripped it back to nothing. [00:09:30] Speaker B: He did. [00:09:30] Speaker A: And it was the most painful, horrible thing I think I've ever been through. Because you literally don't know from day to day what's gonna happen. You know, you don't know if y' all are gonna make it through that day as a couple. You don't know if one person is gonna just give up and walk away or. And with you, you know, I mean, because there was suicide involved, there were moments that I didn't know if you were gonna try again, you know, and it wasn't until we actually had got in the center that I could tell it was gonna be okay. [00:10:01] Speaker B: Right? Absolutely. [00:10:02] Speaker A: He knew how to do it. And I think that's what we always say in these podcast episodes, Right. [00:10:08] Speaker B: Well, you know, he breaks you down to nothing. The offending part, if you're open to God, if you say, okay, God, I got nothing left, he opens you up. Then after that, that's when the Hail Mary is coming, just dropping bombs right on top of your head. [00:10:21] Speaker A: You know what I was thinking? The other day, because we went and saw your mom, and she was saying some. I could tell that she had prayed for you, like, your whole life, whether or not you knew it. And I think sometimes, like, maybe we didn't pray for that thing that happened to us, how horrible it was. But our parents. And this is just, like, totally a sidebar, but I think, like, our parents probably prayed for us our whole life and prayed for that breakthrough. And so I think sometimes you're living through something so horrible like that. But your mom had prayed for you, you know, that you were gonna come out okay, because I could tell she was so. She was so proud of you. [00:11:04] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:04] Speaker A: I was talking to her. Some of the things she was saying about how good of a man you were and how special. She said you were so special. And I thought that was really. [00:11:12] Speaker B: My mama says I'm special. [00:11:16] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, I think. [00:11:19] Speaker B: Go ahead. [00:11:19] Speaker A: Well, I mean, we just want to just kind of paint the picture or let everybody understand that there is no Instagram marriage. There is no, you know, I mean, everybody jumps on social media and Instagram. If I say Facebook, everybody's gonna know I'm, like, 85 years old. But, like. But, you know, whatever platform you use, what gets put on the reels or the videos or TikTok is the version of ourselves that we want other people to see. They. Nobody puts the. I have had a horrible day, and my marriage sucks real up. You know what I mean? And so I. I think what happens is we start comparing ourselves to other people's marriages, and theirs look so good because all we're seeing is the Instagram version of it. [00:12:05] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:12:07] Speaker A: And that creates a disparity in us thinking, okay, our marriage is so messed up. So what we're trying to say is your marriage is not as messed up as you think. Everybody's marriages, like, I think that's what we're trying to say. [00:12:18] Speaker B: You know, the work is hard. You know, it's not going to be rewarding at first because it's going to be such a struggle, especially if you. [00:12:26] Speaker A: Come into it with baggage. [00:12:27] Speaker B: Yeah, if you come into it with baggage, then, yeah, it's going to be a struggle. But, you know, like, it's not spontaneous. It's not going to happen right away. It's going to take a lot of work. [00:12:39] Speaker A: I think it's intentional and deliberate. I mean, like, for us, which we. Okay, this is my fault. Like, okay, this week, I intentionally, like, okay, I'm gonna start planning some things for us to do that are romantic and Fun that we both enjoy. Because we both enjoy art and music. [00:12:54] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:12:54] Speaker A: And food, of course. [00:12:56] Speaker B: Even though we skipped a program. [00:12:57] Speaker A: We skipped the program. Last night I bought us two tickets to go see the city. [00:13:00] Speaker B: We were in bed at 8 o'. Clock. [00:13:01] Speaker A: I was so tired and I texted you. I'm like, please, I. I have a really bad headache. And we just not go. And then I'm like, gosh, I just completely killed everything I was trying to do. But we have. This weekend is Valentine's Day and we have reservations and we're going to a play because I know that you love plays. I do too. So we intentionally try to do things like that where. And it's not like the same old, same old, like, okay, we could get in a rut and it just always be about going out to eat, which is awesome. And sometimes we like to just go find off beat path places and we like to do little videos about it or talk about it or take pictures. [00:13:38] Speaker B: We actually got popular on Facebook for about three weeks. [00:13:41] Speaker A: Three weeks. Three whole weeks. We were literally like getting. [00:13:43] Speaker B: When I was working out of town and come back, we go out, eat somewhere. Fine. [00:13:46] Speaker A: Yeah. And people were like, I saw where you guys went to this place. I'm going to try it, like becoming like the food, whatever you call it. [00:13:53] Speaker B: The food critics or something like that. [00:13:55] Speaker A: Yeah. But I mean, it's fun because it was like our thing, but it was intentional. And it's hard to keep spontaneous. Like, I love spontaneity too, and it is way more attractive and romantic when something's spontaneous. But I think, I think spontaneity can happen if you're intentionally building a rhythm in your relationship where you have time to even do that kind of stuff. [00:14:19] Speaker B: And sometimes you're going to have to choose comfort. I'm sorry I said that. Sometimes you're going to have to choose clarity of a situation of your marriage, of a situation of things that are going on over the comfort of it. Sometimes in order to heal, you've got to be uncomfortable. And sometimes whenever things are going wrong, you're going to have to put yourself in an uncomfortable place to resolve the issues that are going on. [00:14:45] Speaker A: Okay, but how does that tie into being intentional in your marriage and building and. [00:14:55] Speaker B: You know, it's just not sexy. Anybody can sit back and be comfortable with things that are going on. Anybody can sit back under the recliner. I mean, you don't have one. We have an autumn. But you know, sitting back in the, in the chair and watching our favorite show on tv, that's your comfort zone. [00:15:11] Speaker A: It's so easy to fall into it. You're so tired at the end of the day or the weekend, you just want to crash. And the last thing you want to do is have a conversation with your spouse about or vision statement. [00:15:22] Speaker B: Well, I'll be honest with you. When I drive home from where I'm working at right now, it's an hour and 15 minutes they're driving. I drive through two big cities to get there, and when I'm there, I'm okay. I'm working. You know, I'm getting tired on the way home. I don't want to talk to nobody. I don't want to be around anybody. And I try. I try to leave that at the gate. [00:15:44] Speaker A: Oh, they're saying you don't like. [00:15:46] Speaker B: No, no, no, not at all. But what I'm saying is that's what I. You've got to leave that outside. You've got to leave your tiredness. Got to leave your grumpiness. Because I'm a grumpy guy. Everybody knows me. I'll admit it. I'm grumpy. [00:16:03] Speaker A: I don't really think you are. [00:16:05] Speaker B: Aw. [00:16:06] Speaker A: I don't know if you're just hiding. [00:16:07] Speaker B: It or I do a pretty good job, but I'm not. [00:16:10] Speaker A: I'm grumpy, and I'll tell everybody. [00:16:13] Speaker B: No, you're not. But anyway, it's going to be that. It's going to come down to you choosing to clarify an issue that's going on in your marriage, and sometimes that's not comfortable. You know, if your spouse become distant and you do this even today, if you feel like I'm becoming distant or. Or I'm just acting weird with. I think you asked me that, like 14 times yesterday. [00:16:39] Speaker A: Or you asked me. Well, you were doing some things that were concerning. [00:16:45] Speaker B: Don't talk like that. [00:16:46] Speaker A: No, I mean, you. You do. I could see the anxiety. [00:16:48] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:16:49] Speaker A: And. [00:16:49] Speaker B: Right. [00:16:50] Speaker A: I think that's something I've learned with our relationship, is not to let things go that you notice. Okay. So before everything happened, pre catastrophe of 2024 for us, I would notice things about you, but I wouldn't make the gift. I'd be like, oh, he's just how he's tired. Have a bad day, whatever. And I would still ask you, and you would still ask me because you're always paranoid about, are you okay? Is something wrong? Are you mad at me? Did I do something, like, all the time? All the time. That's kind of something you struggle with, is feeling like I'm always Mad at you or something. And I think, though, now we both do a better job of realizing and recognizing when the other person that there is something wrong and being like, okay, we need to figure out what's going on with you. Because if you don't catch it, then. And this is the unsexy stuff, if you don't catch it, then. And you just keep letting that thing grow and get bigger. And it may not even be that it has to do with you. It may just be that your spouse is stressed out about something and they just need to talk. They just need to vent. Like our situation the other day, you needed to talk, you needed to vent, you were stressed out, but you felt like you couldn't bring it to me. And this is. [00:17:58] Speaker B: I was missing my dad. [00:17:59] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, it was that, but it was just. It was the stress of just owning a business and doing something new and. [00:18:05] Speaker B: Right. Well, the business has been stressful because I've made, you know, and I recognize that I've let things get to me. I let myself get kind of overwhelmed by construction business. And then even though I've got jobs going, the pay to it, it's yet to be fruitful in any aspect. [00:18:25] Speaker A: That's not abnormal, though. When you're building a business, a lot of times you don't get paid for a while. I mean, I know how that is. [00:18:31] Speaker B: Right. Like this job in Tyler. I don't even know how. But anyway, getting back on topic. Getting back on topic. [00:18:37] Speaker A: Well, no, I mean, that's the unsexy stuff that, you know. Yeah, that is part of the topic. Because that needs to be like, if I see you're stressed out and I don't let give you a space event or tell me which I'm bad about because I'm all sucked up into my own depression or whatever. And I don't. I'm like, you. You were like. I can't tell you because you're already struggling. And sometimes that's true and sometimes it's not. I mean, in that particular week, I don't know what was wrong with me. Something was wrong anyway. [00:19:06] Speaker B: Yeah, but you're right, though. It does. It does lead into all of this. It's definitely not sex. Yeah. [00:19:12] Speaker A: Who wants to have an adult conversation all the time? I mean, can we just, like, have fun? [00:19:15] Speaker B: I mean, yeah, absolutely. Nobody wants to talk about the problems. We all want to act like. We want to play, like our marriage. Perfect. We don't have, like, you see those couples that make you want to vomit because they're always Good. [00:19:29] Speaker A: And, you know they're not. [00:19:30] Speaker B: I know you leave the toilet seat up. I know she doesn't cook a lot. Or I know he doesn't wipe the seat off after he uses the bathroom or something. Like, you are not perfect. [00:19:43] Speaker A: Right. There's. There's probably some hidden fighting going on, and a lot of people are just obsessed with. With image. And they don't. They have a terrible marriage, but they want everybody to think that they're. They're better than they really are. I'm not saying everybody's that way, but, you know, if you were to just be a fly on the wall in their house, you'd probably be surprised at how dysfunctional they probably are. [00:20:02] Speaker B: Yes. [00:20:02] Speaker A: Because I really want, you know, like, we're only a year and a half out from, you know, walking through one of the worst things we've ever been through, both of us. And, I mean, so we definitely don't have it all together. And we're still growing and learning, and we're still trying to figure things out. And sometimes I even get hit by Satan saying things like, do you really need to be doing this podcast? Do y' all really need. You don't even. You're not even healed. [00:20:26] Speaker B: Well, the viewership has been low. That's been kind of aggravated. But I think that Satan gets that in your head, like, oh, well, you know what? I'm on here just to spread the good word. [00:20:36] Speaker A: I'm on here just to try to help. I'm walking in this pathway with other people. I'm not getting on here saying, I know everything and we got it all figured out. I'm saying, hey, you're not alone. [00:20:46] Speaker B: Right? [00:20:46] Speaker A: You're not alone. Like, everybody is struggling, probably, and especially people that maybe one or both of you have PTSD or you have addiction or whatever, and the marriage is in trouble. You know, it's on the rocks. Those are the kind of people we're not looking for, perfect people where we just feel called to maybe encourage couples that, you know, they struggle a little bit. [00:21:09] Speaker B: Right. Or a lot. Yeah. And you tend to push things under the rug, you know, and. [00:21:15] Speaker A: And I will say that you are a rug pusher, man. [00:21:19] Speaker B: I'll push it. I'll have a mound built up under that rug by the time I'm done. [00:21:22] Speaker A: You just. You. You stuff your emotions. And I noticed this about you. That's why I keep nagging you. [00:21:27] Speaker B: Sometimes you're like the pot calling the kettle black. [00:21:30] Speaker A: You didn't know that? I know I probably am, but I. [00:21:34] Speaker B: Take it to A different level. [00:21:35] Speaker A: And, you know, Ally used to do that. My daughter used to do that when she was younger, and she still does that now. Like, I have drag it out of her. And I don't really know why people. Why we do that, why we hold it all back. I don't know if we don't want to bother someone else or we feel ashamed that we feel a certain way or what it is. [00:21:53] Speaker B: Don't know. But we need to clarify what unsexy work is. I think that's really important because. Okay, if my husband smacks me around, that's the unsexy part of marriage. If your husband is smacking you around, you call me. And he won't. No, Abuse is not unsexy. Abuse is disgusting. Abuse is a breakdown in mental health, and it requires you to get out of that. I'm not telling you to divorce them. Just get out of that situation for a while and then force that person to go into public counseling with you. And maybe you guys can resolve the issue. [00:22:35] Speaker A: If you can force them. [00:22:37] Speaker B: If you can force them. [00:22:38] Speaker A: That's between you and God. If you're not safe, you need to get somewhere where you are. [00:22:43] Speaker B: You can't say, well, maybe I just need to try harder or ignore problems. You can't ignore it. [00:22:50] Speaker A: That's what we're talking about. [00:22:51] Speaker B: You can only put so many. So much makeup on a black eye. [00:22:55] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:22:55] Speaker B: You know, and. And people know when things are going on inside of a household. People know. So you can't. You can't just tolerate those things and ignore it. [00:23:05] Speaker A: Yeah. And so it's not those things what we're talking about when we say unsexy work. We're talking about things like choosing an intention over being impulsive, which I struggle with this because I'm the kind of person I really. I know you don't realize this about me, but there are times on like a Friday or Saturday, I wish you would just go, like, let's get in the car right now. And we're going here, here, here. And it's just like, you've been. You're impulsive, and you just planned something and I didn't know about it. I actually would probably like that in a way. [00:23:34] Speaker B: I did not know that. [00:23:36] Speaker A: Yeah, I do. I like it when you're like, hey, I'm planning this. I'm like, but then I worry about. [00:23:41] Speaker B: Well, when I come home. When I come home, you're in your robe on the couch. It's kind of hard to go for a ride. [00:23:50] Speaker A: Well, you have to tell Me in advance. [00:23:52] Speaker B: See, I gotta tell you in advance, I can't be spontaneous. [00:23:54] Speaker A: That's so impulsive. That's so impulsive. [00:23:56] Speaker B: It would be impulsive. You're right. So see, there's something that I need to work on that's unsafe. [00:24:00] Speaker A: Yeah. It's also about what we mean when we say, you know, the work is choosing clarity over comfort. And that's what you were saying a minute ago is it would be so much easier just to be comfortable in my robe. But maybe I need to. [00:24:15] Speaker B: Hey, man, I got pants rolled up to my knees right now and a big sweater on. [00:24:20] Speaker A: I've got your favorite sweatpants. [00:24:23] Speaker B: Oh, I love those pants. They're so sexy on you, babe. They really are. But. But also there's another thing. You can't always choose chemistry. Yeah, you got married because there was a lot of chemistry there. You got married because you found things in that person that basically, let's face it, it turns you on. That guy or girl turned you on in some way and you just couldn't wait. You had to get married, but then you had to. Sometimes you have to use consistency over chemistry. Like be that person who is the most consistent in your marriage. If you say you're gonna do something, do it. If you're gonna go to the store, get the list and then still call your wife 14 times. I swear there are times when I dread calling my wife from the Walmart. I go in there because she doesn't like public places. Then you will never go to warrant. Last time we went together, it was like she had a full blown meltdown right in the middle of the dairy section. [00:25:21] Speaker A: Dude, we need to go to counseling for this. [00:25:23] Speaker B: You need counseling for it Because I had a Walmart fine. [00:25:26] Speaker A: Stressed out about it. [00:25:28] Speaker B: So obviously there was, there was so some level of not chemistry there. [00:25:33] Speaker A: Not chemistry. [00:25:34] Speaker B: Yeah, not chemistry at all. So I mean, just gotta be consistent about it. [00:25:38] Speaker A: You say you weren't attracted to. [00:25:39] Speaker B: Well, I'm always attracted to you. But there was a moment there where I'm like, who the hell are you gonna. [00:25:43] Speaker A: Were you wanting to slap me? [00:25:45] Speaker B: No, I was just kinda like, I gotta get you out the store. You start throwing things and stuff. But being consistent for that person when they're having a moment like that, be consistently try to be the rock. And it's not about chemistry when you're trying to do that. It's about being that person that see you. They can lean on safety and don't get in front of them because they will run you with the shopping cart. [00:26:09] Speaker A: Anyway. Yeah. Why does this work feel so hard? Let's talk about why, you know, people have resistance and why they feel resistance. Because this is probably where a lot of people struggle with the unsexy work. [00:26:24] Speaker B: Absolutely. It is. [00:26:26] Speaker A: So it's not always spontaneous. That's what we were saying. Like, it might be like, hey, let's get our calendars out because we're gonna. We're gonna plan our whole month. [00:26:34] Speaker B: We tried to do that before. That worked out. [00:26:36] Speaker A: Well, how. How romantic is that? Let's plan the whole year together. And I'm going to pencil you in right here. And then we're going to. [00:26:45] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. It was so bad for a while. My first customers gave me a. Gave me a planner. I was so. [00:26:53] Speaker A: What? [00:26:55] Speaker B: I was one of the. Tyler. She gave me a planner for 2026. I was just so scatterbrained sometimes. [00:27:01] Speaker A: Yeah, you were. When you first started. And that was a lot. I mean, you're taking on a whole nother career field that you've never, you know, you have a walk then. [00:27:08] Speaker B: Yeah. When your client gives you a book. That's not a good look. I told her. I told her the last time I saw her, I said, look, don't worry, I'm not expecting a referral from you. [00:27:18] Speaker A: What'd she say? [00:27:19] Speaker B: She is laugh, Just laugh. She didn't say I was going to get one, but didn't say I wasn't. Yeah, well, but it requires planning, too. It requires you guys sitting down together and talking about what you're saying. [00:27:31] Speaker A: Yeah, calendars. [00:27:32] Speaker B: Calendars. [00:27:33] Speaker A: Conversations you'd rather avoid. [00:27:36] Speaker B: Oh, God, I hate that. [00:27:37] Speaker A: You know, I used to be a real non confrontational person, but I have gotten way more confrontational than I used to be. [00:27:44] Speaker B: Really? [00:27:45] Speaker A: I will tell you when I don't like something. [00:27:47] Speaker B: I'm just trying to figure out when you weren't. [00:27:49] Speaker A: I don't know, man. [00:27:51] Speaker B: No, and you know what? I can be, too. I'll hold things in and I'll hold things in. [00:27:55] Speaker A: You hold in. And then when you get ready to do it, I didn't even know it's coming. I'm like, whoa, where'd that come from? [00:28:00] Speaker B: Yeah, I will just. I mean, I don't yell. I don't yell, but whenever the time comes. [00:28:05] Speaker A: Oh, you're pretty stern. [00:28:06] Speaker B: Pretty stern with what I say. But I'm not screaming. [00:28:10] Speaker A: No, but you are. I'm like, okay, yeah, it's kind of scary, right? [00:28:15] Speaker B: Scary scary, but absolutely. [00:28:17] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:28:19] Speaker B: But boundaries are important. [00:28:23] Speaker A: What do you think that means in a marriage, though? [00:28:26] Speaker B: Well, I Think it's that you keep. You only let it escalate so much, and when things start escalating to a point where you're about to bubble over into screaming at each other and throwing things or whatever, then, you know what? What? Y' all take a break. [00:28:44] Speaker A: Well, I think it also means boundaries in place that, okay, we don't. We don't do this. We don't go this far. Or, you know, like, this is my personal boundary. You're not allowed to talk to me like that or like you're saying. Or it could be, like, you know, like, understanding that sometimes the other person needs, like, alone time. [00:29:07] Speaker B: Right. [00:29:07] Speaker A: And that's. That's a boundary for them. Like, they need that or they won't be able to function. [00:29:11] Speaker B: Yeah, I get plenty of that. [00:29:14] Speaker A: I think I do, too. [00:29:15] Speaker B: I mean, you're at the house most of the day by yourself all day long. So you can stay in that. When y' all and I leave, you're in that robe. And when I come home, you're in that robe. Whether you got dressed at all that day is a mystery. But that's fine. You know? That's fine. There was a time when I worked for my house, too, and I stayed in my PJs all day long. I was perfectly good. But after you have conflict, after you have that moment to where if you do go over your boundaries, then you've got to worry about repairing. You've got to worry about repairing that part because obviously both you guys have said something that you didn't mean. Whether it be about her cooking or whether it be about the way or lack thereof or lack thereof, you've done a lot better lately, though. You really have. You've stepped up. I gotta brag on you about that. I used to do a lot of the cooking, but I was home. But now that I'm not home during the day, until it's the weekend, then it. [00:30:15] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh. You were so excited the other day. [00:30:17] Speaker B: When I was, oh, gosh, she made some meatloaf. Oh, my gosh. I walked in the house, like one of those old school restaurants, like Mama's Restaurant or something like that, and I'm like, oh, my. She done something good. [00:30:31] Speaker A: You were so excited. [00:30:32] Speaker B: I was. I bragged about you on Facebook and everything. But you got to repair the conflict. You've got to sit down and say, okay. We both know that we're wrong. We both know that we assess, which. [00:30:42] Speaker A: Might take therapy or counseling or coaching to do it. And I'm a really big Advocate for every couple on the face of the planet. Probably could benefit from some counseling or coaching. [00:30:56] Speaker B: Right. [00:30:57] Speaker A: I don't. Even if you think your marriage is amazing, I guarantee you, if you get into some coaching, counseling, whatever, either or both, you're going to realize there's areas that you could improve. [00:31:06] Speaker B: And I'm going to say you can't always find that at church. We were going through our issues a while back. We found nothing. [00:31:13] Speaker A: Well, most. Most pastoral ministers are not. Are not taught out of counsel, and they're not licensed professional counselors. Now, however, they absolutely could spiritually counsel you, which is huge. And I'm like you. I was really kind of disappointed that that wasn't available. [00:31:32] Speaker B: It wasn't that kind of. Yeah, that kind of hit me kind of hard. Maybe go like, what am I doing here? [00:31:37] Speaker A: You know, I think it matters what you're dealing with. Like, with what you were going through with suicide attempt and. And the ptsd, you had to. You still do. You have to have professional level counseling. I don't necessarily think that, Pastor. I mean, yes, spiritually, they can help you, but I don't know that they understand the dynamics that go along with that of those kind of situations. [00:31:58] Speaker B: Absolutely. Totally agree. [00:32:00] Speaker A: But the thing about this kind of unsexy stuff is that, you know, it will confront pride, avoidance, and emotional immaturity, which, if you could catch it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. [00:32:11] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:32:12] Speaker A: I mean, the best way to die to yourself is to get married. [00:32:15] Speaker B: Well, you know, here's what happens. You're single, you get to go where you want to go. You get to do what you want to do. You're never pressed for time. When you come home, you just take your clothes off and walk around the house in your underwear. [00:32:27] Speaker A: Most people are having sex with other people, so they get that benefit. Why should I? You know? [00:32:33] Speaker B: Right. But then when you get married, all of that stops. You can go where you want. It's not the fun. That's the. [00:32:41] Speaker A: It's the ability to still do whatever you want whenever you want. [00:32:46] Speaker B: Yeah, right. That ability is gone. You can't go with the boys up to Colorado. [00:32:52] Speaker A: And all your decisions have to be about what's best for us and the other person and not just yourself anymore. And you have to die. [00:33:00] Speaker B: Yeah, we have to die to yourself. And I think the Bible says something about. [00:33:05] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, that's the whole. I think that's kind of the whole point of marriage. I think it's one of the things God uses. [00:33:10] Speaker B: Right. [00:33:10] Speaker A: If not the main thing God uses. And having kids will kill you too. [00:33:14] Speaker B: Well, look, a couple that dies to themselves and then rebuild on each other is a lot stronger unit. Both people have an individual lives. [00:33:23] Speaker A: Absolutely. And they're going to have a shared purpose that God's going to reveal to them and they're going to actually fulfill. They're going to have a much better, more fulfilled marriage in life than two separate people that are married but are not. [00:33:38] Speaker B: Right. [00:33:38] Speaker A: They haven't created like the true unity. [00:33:41] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:33:41] Speaker A: You know. [00:33:43] Speaker B: Well now here we get into the fun part. Fun, fun part. The lies that we were told were sold about before marriage and there are many, many of them. You're not married to Beaver Cleaver's mother or his daddy. [00:33:58] Speaker A: I doubt anybody knows who that is. [00:34:00] Speaker B: Yeah, nobody knows who. You don't really know that person that you've been married. [00:34:02] Speaker A: There are no wholesome role models now. [00:34:06] Speaker B: There are none. Now it's all pink bunnies and rainbows. But culture says. Culture. You can't listen to culture. But here's what culture is saying about how your marriage should be. If it's right, it should be. No, a marriage is work. It's a full time job. Every day I wake up, think about what I can do for her. I think about ways that I can make things easier on her. If there's something that she needs that I can't get for right now, I get stressed out about it because I'm supposed to get. It's not going to be easy. Now there are days when it crisis along pretty good. There are days when we just kind of cruise along the highway. But some of the times it's gonna be tough work. [00:34:53] Speaker A: Well, I think it's kinda like our spiritual walk with the Lord. You know, if we had that approach of cruise control type thing where I'm just gonna turn this on and I guarantee you within two weeks you'd be a disaster. Or let's say two years. Let's say you don't pray or crack your Bible or go to church for two years. Can you imagine the person you would be in two years? [00:35:16] Speaker B: I was that person. [00:35:17] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think it's that way with your marriage. Like to just think that it's just going to happen. It's going to be just like your. How you have to be intentional with your walk with God. Is the same thing in your marriage. [00:35:26] Speaker B: Yep, absolutely it is. Keeping God centered in everything is definitely one of the ways that you guys can navigate. It's not, it's not easy part. And don't go to where Paul says wise be subservient your husband. Don't go to that. Don't even bring it up. [00:35:47] Speaker A: Come on. That's probably one of those non sexy conversations. [00:35:51] Speaker B: That's an argument, woman. The Bible says that would go over really well. No, just, just read the Bible as a couple and read what the Bible says about marriage. Talk about, talk about. The Bible is to me, and I noticed this a lot the past few couple of months that I've been reading is that the Bible is one story that's repeated over and over and over and over and over again. It's the same story, but different actors are repeating the same story about love, salvation, love, salvation. And it happens continuously throughout the Bible. Go ahead. [00:36:34] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Well, no, I mean it is, it's the same kind of story, different dynamic. But I mean the culture says that if it's right, should be easy, love should always feel natural, whatever. But reality, the reality is that skills tap in and they have to be learned. You have to learn the skill to have a good marriage, a connection, it can be rebuilt. [00:36:59] Speaker B: Well, you think that just because you have great parents who are married, you think that, okay, that's what mine's going to be. Everybody's unique, nobody's the same. And you can learn how to do some things from your mother or your father. You know, they can be a great example. [00:37:14] Speaker A: A lot of mothers and fathers hide their dysfunction from their kids. I was just watching that show that we were watching last night. That's really good. You know that? Yeah. Where they jump in the pond and go back in time. Anyway, this girl, she. She goes back in time and she sees her parent and her whole life she had thought her parents had this amazing marriage. They never fought and it was just all she remembered was them being in love all the time and just perfect. She goes back in time and she's like seeing them. They can't see her, but she's seeing them and they are just like. There's a lot of fighting, there's a lot of dysfunction that they had behind the scenes that she didn't even know about. And it really like it really messed her up because her whole life she thought she was failing. Like her marriage failed, you know, because I guess I just, we just weren't really in love or blah blah, blah. It's that same thing of that expectation is set so high because we don't really see what's going on behind closed doors. [00:38:08] Speaker B: Absolutely it is. [00:38:10] Speaker A: One of the things that I like that reality says as opposed to culture is that desire grows in safety, not Chaos. And knowing the culture, it's almost like the more risky, the more unsafe, you know, something may feel in a relationship. In the beginning, it's like, oh, that's what I want. I want to go after the bad guy, you know, like that's, that's not sustainable. [00:38:34] Speaker B: Like it's not. [00:38:35] Speaker A: It's because you don't feel safe. It's chaotic. [00:38:37] Speaker B: Right. Well, when you're safe, you open yourself up things. [00:38:40] Speaker A: Right. [00:38:40] Speaker B: But when you're in chaos, close yourself off, your body goes into preservation mode. You can't learn anything in preservation. [00:38:46] Speaker A: If you feel like your spouse is always against you, always attacking you verbally, whatever, you're going to go into that. [00:38:52] Speaker B: Yeah. If your husband calls you and he says, okay, I'm on my way home, and if the first thing you experience is anxiety, that's a problem. Absolutely. I know there have been times when you have had some anxiety about me coming home. You know, I'll just assume. But yeah, if you're experiencing anxiety or even fear when your husband says he's coming to the house, you gotta make sure the house is perfect. That's an issue. [00:39:17] Speaker A: That would be terrible. I don't know what that looks like. [00:39:19] Speaker B: That's. That would be an issue. So desire definitely grows in safety, which. [00:39:25] Speaker A: Is interesting because it's so boring. [00:39:27] Speaker B: It is so boring. It really is. You don't want to live on the edge a little bit. I like to walk on that brick wall, you know, Get a motorcycle. Yeah. [00:39:34] Speaker A: That's how you feel. [00:39:35] Speaker B: I am getting one. [00:39:36] Speaker A: I know. Well, if you need, if you need that, that, you know, risky, whatever adrenaline thing, get a motorcycle and ride, take rides together. I don't know, you know. [00:39:43] Speaker B: Well, she'll tell you that I'm a horrible driver. [00:39:45] Speaker A: But listen, he turns his head all the way around when he's driving and looks behind him. I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, oh, no. I'm like, do you do this when I'm not with you? No. Why are you doing it when I'm with you? [00:39:57] Speaker B: See? See what? I live with the lies, but, you know. [00:40:01] Speaker A: No, you told me. You told me why you did that. [00:40:03] Speaker B: Yeah, I gotta see what's around. [00:40:05] Speaker A: Well, it had to do with your military stuff, some of the things you had been through. And then when you told me, I'm like, oh, oh, I'm so sorry. I was making fun of you. [00:40:14] Speaker B: Right. [00:40:15] Speaker A: Okay, okay. Let's talk about what it produces. [00:40:18] Speaker B: What it produced. [00:40:19] Speaker A: The non sexy work. [00:40:20] Speaker B: Yeah. The purpose is to give you hope and show the payoff in the long run, you're not going to get a payoff short term. [00:40:27] Speaker A: It's a long, It's a long. What do they call it? I was gonna say a long con. [00:40:30] Speaker B: But it's a long con. It's one big con. That's pretty funny. No, I think that I like to look at it as like you're buying penny stocks. Right. When you buy penny stocks, you can buy 100 pennies worth of, let's say Microsoft, which is not true at all. But you buy that penny stock and every day or every year you look at it, it grows a little bit. Not gonna grow much because penny stocks are penny stocks, they're not gonna grow much. [00:40:57] Speaker A: It compounds because the more you have in there, the more you make. I mean, and it keeps compounding. So it is that way. And I think, I think it's that way in the reverse too. Like, you know, if you're not doing good and you're not building something, it'll start compounding and getting worse and quicker and faster. But, you know, it does take a while to start this snowball effect of rebuilding. [00:41:18] Speaker B: Absolutely. And then after you get to a certain point, like you have that penny stock for 50 years, it's going to be worth 20 times more than when you put that, oh, maybe, maybe even more anymore. So when you look back on your marriage, go and say, hey, you know what, we have some hard time. But those penny stocks, the silly, non. [00:41:37] Speaker A: Sexy things that we thought were so stupid and boring and getting our calendars out and having these conversations that we didn't want to have and building our marriage purpose and the non fun stuff was really what actually gave it the foundation that it could. [00:41:54] Speaker B: Well, because, you know, sexiness and lovemaking and all that, that's important. But if you don't have the foundation of the, of the unsick, it'll be kind of hard to maintain. Kind of hard. [00:42:06] Speaker A: So you have the. What, what this actually produces is it produces emotional safety, which is what we've been harping on because that's where, when people feel safe, that's when they let their walls down. [00:42:17] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:42:18] Speaker A: It produces deeper trust, which you, you will not have a good marriage without trust. Right. And that's hard to rebuild when you've been through what we've been through. But the consistency of you doing the right thing over and over and over helps rebuild the trust for me, like it's so not sexy. I'm sure for you to have to tell me, I'm coming home now and I Have to stop at the store. And if you're following me, if you're tracking me. You know what I mean? Or whatever. [00:42:48] Speaker B: Okay, so the other day, we're driving to Tyler. Maybe it was church. I can't remember. We were driving Tyler for something, and she said, you had, like, 75 unsafe events, risky events. On your. Risky events on your trip. On Life360. I'm like, what? No, I didn't. I said, I passed a few people. I passed a few people that were going slow and naturally. I've got to speed up. I was like. But I didn't run anybody off the road or anything. Oh, no. According to Life 360. You had a whole bunch. I'm like, God almighty. I hate that app. I do. And the only reason why I keep it on there is because I love my wife. [00:43:24] Speaker A: No, if you love that app, it's accountability. It's one of those not sexy things. [00:43:30] Speaker B: It is so not sexy. And every man. And every man in America will tell you the same thing that I did. It sucks. But it's not because I don't want. I want to get away with anything. It's just because I'm in the middle of a trip. Hey, what are you doing there? Where are you going? [00:43:44] Speaker A: You know what I figured out about. [00:43:45] Speaker B: She doesn't do that very much. [00:43:46] Speaker A: No, I think it has to do with your military time. I think that you. You weren't micromanaged like that. [00:43:53] Speaker B: Oh, man. [00:43:54] Speaker A: And I think you like that kind of. Hey, I'm a man. I'm out hunting, okay? Like, I think that's how it feels to you. And you don't want some mother. Mother Goose, you know, like, following you around like, what are you doing? Why are you doing that? You know, like, it stripped you of your manhood. [00:44:07] Speaker B: Well, you had to follow orders in the military, so you really were kind of Micromans. [00:44:11] Speaker A: But you weren't. But it wasn't like a mother. It was like. [00:44:14] Speaker B: It was a business. [00:44:15] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:44:15] Speaker B: Yeah, it was a business. [00:44:16] Speaker A: You were your own man. You make. You know, you got to. [00:44:19] Speaker B: You know, if you're out there by yourself, you've got to make that decisions. And then you have to accept the consequence. It doesn't work. [00:44:25] Speaker A: And then now you've got your wife going. I saw you today. You made. You made 29 risky events. [00:44:31] Speaker B: Watching you, I'm like, why are you even looking at my risky. [00:44:35] Speaker A: I didn't mean to. I was just trying to see where you were, and it just popped up. And I was like, what is he Doing today. [00:44:40] Speaker B: Right. Anyway, guys, I feel you on your hating of life 360. I feel it. But anyway, so. [00:44:46] Speaker A: So some other things that all of. [00:44:49] Speaker B: The unsexy things go to repaired intimacy and. And then you will have a very, very solid marriage that doesn't collapse under stress. Stress is horrible. If you're under that much stress or your marriage starting to fail, definitely go in to see a counselor. And it's going to take more than just one session. You can't go and say, oh, my gosh, you're wonderful. I feel great. No, that's not the way it works. It requires work. It requires unsexy work to get that way. Talk to your spouse, sit down and say, man or honey, dude. Dude. I'm struggling with this part of our marriage right now, and I'm guilty of this, too. But the man should stay calm. He should not roll his eyes, and he should say, okay, what can we do to make you feel better in this point, in this part of the marriage? [00:45:40] Speaker A: I don't think. [00:45:41] Speaker B: And I'm not always the best. I know that. [00:45:43] Speaker A: Do you think. I think women are more apt to say, hey, can we talk? And here's what's going on. And the man's just kind of like, no, I don't want to. I don't want to talk. [00:45:55] Speaker B: You have to corner us. You have to corner us because men aren't. We aren't designed for those deep. [00:46:02] Speaker A: Are y' all dumb? [00:46:02] Speaker B: We're not dumb. No, we're not dumb. But what. But what I mean is that we're not designed for those type of conversations. We're designed to work, to cook or to kill deer. Kill our food, bring it home, make sure you're safe. That means checking all the doors in the house and all the windows every night. We're designed for the labor. That's what men are designed for, the labor part of the marriage. So going deep. Going deep for some men is a real issue. Especially. I'm not saying I'm better than anybody else or more broken, but especially for people who were, like, in the military, because I can pretty much guarantee if I walked my first sergeant, I'd say, first sergeant, I'm having a hard time, and this really hurt. My first sergeant's gonna look at me like I'm out of my mind. [00:46:45] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:46:46] Speaker B: And he's gonna send me to the psych. I'm gonna lose my security clearance. [00:46:49] Speaker A: Probably slap you in the face. [00:46:50] Speaker B: He probably would. But that stress that you're experiencing under marriage, you just gotta learn to talk now. [00:46:58] Speaker A: Well, men have to know that it's okay for them to talk about the. Suppressing it or feeling like myself up. Shouldn't have feelings. I should always, you know. [00:47:07] Speaker B: Yeah, well, you know, and I'll tell you what happened last week is I had been under so much stress about one of these construction jobs I got going on in Fowler. And when my dad was alive, he wasn't very good. He tried, you know, I would give my dad that much. My dad, My dad tried, but he was never really good. But he was always there. If I needed to call him and say, hey, dad, you know, having a hard time here. First thing my dad would have done is he would have volunteered to come help. That's the first thing my dad would have done. He was like, you don't got to pay me. You don't have to do anything. I'll just show up and then I'll help you do what you're doing. So the other day, I was sitting in the house and I had done it. I had started driving home and I just broke down because, you know, you reached in for your phone and you realize that you can't call your mom or your dad and you can't depend on them for that because they're gone and that part of your life is over. And I just started really missing my dad. So I broke down in the den. We were sitting there and you had been on me about, what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong? And I finally. I broke down. I said, I just missed my dad. And it's been a year, over a year, a little over a year, a little over. You're in, what, four months. And you would think that it gets easier, but even from someone like my family, we weren't exactly that really close knit unit. Dad was always there, long call away. And when you lose that, it never gets you. You will always have that moment where you're like, well, I call dad. Well, no, I can't, because heaven doesn't accept. So you have to. You have to learn how to do things on your own. And it makes you feel very vulnerable, you know, because you're like, okay, I started. And now if this doesn't work out, this is awful. And you got. You can't depend on other people. Depend on yourself and the stretch. [00:49:24] Speaker A: Yeah, but I love what happened, though, because after all that, which I just let you. I didn't even. I didn't even try to answer you. I just let you get out as you were at that. You get Out. And then I think you prayed and the Lord told you what to do. [00:49:39] Speaker B: Yeah, he did. [00:49:41] Speaker A: And that's what you did. And things are working out, so. [00:49:44] Speaker B: Yes, they are. I took a loss on the job, but at the same time, the dust. [00:49:50] Speaker A: Well, you learn. You learn what to do, which is the only way to get experience. Do it wrong. [00:49:56] Speaker B: Yes. But also, also when you work things out like that, when you, when you take care of the unsexy things in your marriage, it leaves a great legacy for your kid and future and your future crib midgets. You know, it leaves a great legacy because they say, they'll always say, did. [00:50:13] Speaker A: You come up with that on your own crib midget? [00:50:15] Speaker B: Yeah, I did. That was just something that came off. But, but like, like our two grandkids, they come to our house a lot. Well, not a lot. They come here probably once, something like that. And I want to be that fly on the wall when one day they're grown up and they're in our home and we're not here anymore and hear the conversation, they say, and they're like, well, you know, Suzy made breakfast. I'm Suzy. S U Z Z Y. She's shabby. S H A B B Y And you know, shabby was always the more comforting one while Suzy has a deep voice and he thank. You know, I spanked him one time and he deserved it. But I want our grandkids to look at our past and say, you know what? They, they were good. They were good. And we always felt good being around them. You know, you're around some couples, you're. [00:51:14] Speaker A: Like, man, they just stress you out. [00:51:16] Speaker B: I can't wait to get away from these people so that, that legacy there will be enough to fill my life that our grandkids in the future, in their. Their will look back and say, you know what? We had a great solid foundation. You know, that's important. That's important to me. That's that dash between 1971 and 2000, whatever. That dash in between those two dates is what's important. Because in that one little dash, that one inch dash is 78 years, 67 years, 99 years, whatever. A whole lifetime in there. And what is it going to say, you know, and. And I think the future generations will learn how to help their wife, their husband. They'll have healthy relationships. Sorry, I got on my soapbox. [00:52:10] Speaker A: Yeah, so. So why, you know, why don't we get help? We kind of talked about that a minute ago. Yeah, I think a lot of people are ashamed, but people Often will wait until things get too bad or too unbearable. [00:52:26] Speaker B: It's like that. Get out of it. [00:52:28] Speaker A: And they don't know where to go. Even if. When they do realize, you know, oh, my gosh, so bad. I don't even know where to go. [00:52:34] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:52:35] Speaker A: You know, it's not your family, probably, you know, maybe. Maybe. Maybe some friends, but you might need. You might need professional help. That is okay. It doesn't mean that you're failing if you get help. It would be failing if you don't get help. Right, right. And they don't even know. A lot of people don't know what coaching look like versus counseling. I think we did. I think we talked about that one time. Like, I think with counseling, if you. If you came into the marriage with a lot of baggage and you both are busted up pretty bad, I would recommend counseling, even separately and jointly. [00:53:14] Speaker B: Well, premarital counseling is a good thing. [00:53:17] Speaker A: Well, I mean, I'm talking about people that are already married. [00:53:19] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:53:20] Speaker A: You know, like. Because, like, with you and I, I didn't know the extent of the ptsd. I didn't know all the baggage. I had my own baggage, too, that I brought in, you know, I mean, you aren't married for 24 years without having some baggage. [00:53:34] Speaker B: Right. [00:53:35] Speaker A: So I'm still working through a lot of that, you know, but. And I'm. Who knows how long that will. I think I'm pretty good in that regard. [00:53:42] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:53:43] Speaker A: And now I'm working through the trauma that we went through, you know, But I think. I think counseling is something that is so. It's so underused. [00:53:55] Speaker B: It's very, very. [00:53:56] Speaker A: And it's so valuable. And. And it's also a stigma. Like, people think, oh, you must be really a mental case if you need counseling. No, I think everybody needs counseling. [00:54:05] Speaker B: I think that was in the 80s and 90s. I say I need a counselor. You're crazy. [00:54:10] Speaker A: No, I know people now that are. I know people now that are professional. I'm talking about. These are professional level people who've had traumatic things they have walked through, and they don't go to counseling or therapy after they go through something. And it's really shocking to me because these are highly educated people, but they just. There's a stigma, and they just think, well, I got it. I'm fine. But you're probably not. You're probably suppressing it, and you need to get it out. Because trauma stored in the body comes out in different ways. We even do a whole episode about that. It comes out as it can come out as physical pain in the body. It can come out with major health problems. [00:54:47] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:54:48] Speaker A: It is going to come out somehow. And that's exactly what happened to you. You had suppressed that stuff. That stuff, that stuff. And your body said, I can't do it anymore. [00:54:57] Speaker B: And the walls just collapse. Everything. Yeah. [00:55:01] Speaker A: So I cannot express to anyone listening, like, don't wait until it gets so bad that it's unbearable. Get help in the early stages. And whether that be counseling now, I recommend. We recommend coaching for people who probably have already worked through some stuff, some of the baggage in their past separately and so that together, because coaching is more forward focused, we don't focus on, oh my gosh, just nitpick the other person to death about this thing they do. This is more about, okay, we're right here, but we want to be here. How do we get here? And we do that by stop looking back so much. Because at some point you do have to stop looking back all the time. [00:55:42] Speaker B: Yes. [00:55:43] Speaker A: You won't go anywhere. Keep looking back. [00:55:45] Speaker B: Yeah. At some point you have to let go of the past and you have. [00:55:50] Speaker A: Yeah. You got to work through it. Work through the trauma. [00:55:52] Speaker B: Right. [00:55:52] Speaker A: And then take the lessons that you learned from it and then you start moving forward together. And you can do that with coaching. And that's some of the stuff that we do. [00:56:00] Speaker B: Right. [00:56:02] Speaker A: So, you know, we have, we do this like a low pressure. We definitely are not trying to build like a business or something with coaching. We, we actually have stepped into this because we feel like God wants us to take our story to help other people, to encourage. [00:56:18] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:56:19] Speaker A: So we just want to say, you know, just if any of this resonates with you, you don't even have to know what you need. You don't have to necessarily be in crisis, but maybe you just have some questions and you don't really want to commit to anything. Please reach out. I mean, you can definitely email [email protected]. [00:56:38] Speaker B: Just have a conversation. [00:56:39] Speaker A: Just have a conversation. There's no stress, no pressure, man. We're here to help. We're not here to try to sell something, you know. [00:56:45] Speaker B: Absolutely. I went to Walmart and I came home and my husband had his muddy boots on the, on the table and he was cooking himself an egg and we were supposed to go out and eat, you know, start a conversation. [00:56:59] Speaker A: I'd say slap him. No, I'm just kidding. That's the kind of coaching I do. No, I'm just kidding. No, just. Just know that we have all kinds of we have different ways that we can go about helping, different resources. We have our reboot, which is a two day experience, which is very intensive. And then we have programs you can go, we can walk you through as well that, that are more affordable but take longer, you know, and it's, it's all to help you build a marriage. That's great. [00:57:27] Speaker B: Absolutely. It's all to help you reset yourself. It's a marriage reset. [00:57:32] Speaker A: Yeah. And I would say just, just go check out the website. Just go, you know, mess around on it. It's shanawilliams.com and then there's a, there's a tab that says the Merit Golfer. Just go to that page. You can see all about some of the stuff that we have. We have blogs there as well. [00:57:46] Speaker B: Right. And this, this will come down to acknowledging you're stuck, you're tired, you're confused about what's going on in your marriage, and you're trying, but you're not sure that it's working. [00:57:59] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:57:59] Speaker B: Yeah. That's. That's what the marriage altar does. That's what we help you get through. Because then you, once you do that, once you do this, once you do the course, then you look at everything that you've written down, you're like, oh, my God, we're more alike than what I thought. [00:58:15] Speaker A: Or I understand what we're trying to build here. You know, we're on the same page. And, and I think sometimes you and I vacillate and we kind of move away from it and then we're like, oh, my gosh, no. Remember, we're trying to do this. [00:58:26] Speaker B: Yes. [00:58:27] Speaker A: And I really think one of the biggest ways to fair proof your marriage is to have a common purpose. [00:58:33] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:58:34] Speaker A: To be building something together. Because that keeps you both on the same page and you're not looking anywhere else. [00:58:40] Speaker B: Yes, ma'. Am. [00:58:42] Speaker A: You're doing something over here with your spouse and it's super important. [00:58:45] Speaker B: Well, if you could find the common ground, then you can do anything. [00:58:48] Speaker A: Yeah. That's why God poured Babylon down or the tower down, because what they were trying to build was evil. But what we're trying to do is amazing and good. And God wants to get, Wants to build the foundation and help us build it. [00:59:01] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:59:02] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah. So we are right at an hour, as usual. We always. [00:59:06] Speaker B: Okay. We actually ran out of time. Oh, my goodness. [00:59:09] Speaker A: Yeah. So I hope, we hope that this encouraged you and please feel free to reach out as usual. And I would say also make sure you like and, and share and subscribe to our podcast. [00:59:20] Speaker B: Yeah. We're going to try to get better about the times that we do it during the week. It's crazy. During the weekend is crazy. [00:59:30] Speaker A: Sunday nights are usually when we try to do. [00:59:32] Speaker B: Sunday nights are good. And. And we'll try to post one every weekend, but it probably won't be that way. It's just our lives have just gotten so big. We love doing the podcast, but. But we both have businesses. Mine requires me away from home till the evenings, and hers is just insane schedule, so. So thank you so much for listening to us. [00:59:57] Speaker A: And. Yes. And have wonderful, amazing Valentine's Day. [01:00:00] Speaker B: Yes. That's right. Husbands, be good to your wives. Wives, be good to your husbands. [01:00:04] Speaker A: Everybody be nice. [01:00:06] Speaker B: Everybody just be nice. All right, guys, we love y'. All. [01:00:10] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:00:11] Speaker B: Pray for us. We'll pray for you. Thank you. [01:00:13] Speaker A: All right. Bye. [01:00:14] Speaker B: Bye. [01:00:17] Speaker A: We have a love A love that binds it won't be denied it's stronger than time. Stronger than time.