The Top 3 Predictors of Infidelity and How to Guard Your Marriage Against Them

[00:00:15] Speaker A: Catch us the little foxes. They're feasting on our own. Okay. [00:00:27] Speaker B: And we're back again. [00:00:28] Speaker A: Yay. [00:00:29] Speaker B: Winter is definitely here. [00:00:31] Speaker A: Babe, we're freezing outside. [00:00:33] Speaker B: Cold, rainy. I've always called this time of year Texas snow. [00:00:37] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:00:38] Speaker B: Water everywhere. [00:00:39] Speaker A: So y' all come on in where it's warm with us. [00:00:42] Speaker B: Got a fire going. [00:00:43] Speaker A: We're gonna talk about something hot today. [00:00:46] Speaker B: Hot. [00:00:49] Speaker A: I don't know if that's the right way to put it, but, yeah, we're. We're actually going to talk about the top three predictors of infidelity and how to protect your marriage from them. Ay. Ay, yay. [00:01:02] Speaker B: I don't think a lot of people don't know these things. [00:01:04] Speaker A: They don't. And I think, you know, the thing is, we're not trying to, like, scare people, and we're not trying to, I don't know, make people feel, oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, I need to go check out what my spouse is doing. This is just more like, you know, statistically, what. What the top three predictors are and how. More importantly, how can you guard your marriage against it? That's really where we want to go with it. That's where we want to land. [00:01:29] Speaker B: Right, Exactly. What? We're just giving the tools to look at and to recognize the things that lead up to infidelity. It's not going to be that case for every person. There might be some people here who are not emotionally attached, but they're married. [00:01:44] Speaker A: Yeah. And I would say, you know, not every. Yeah, every case is not the same for sure. And a lot of times what's underneath is trauma causing some personality issues or causing some behavior issues. So, you know, you can't always just say, okay, well, it's just one of these predictors. That's not it. I mean, everybody's case is different, but I think, generally speaking, for most people, some of these predictors are true. Even if there is underlying trauma, I think that just makes it worse. [00:02:17] Speaker B: Right. [00:02:17] Speaker A: Okay. [00:02:18] Speaker B: I agree. [00:02:19] Speaker A: So. So, you know, I love the scripture, and I have. I'm writing a book about it. I have a song about it. It's called. It's actually what we use on this podcast. [00:02:28] Speaker B: She's very talented. [00:02:31] Speaker A: It's from Song of Solomon 215. Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyard. So that's really what that scripture is all about, is, hey, let's catch these things in our relationship that doesn't destroy our vineyard where it came from. And it's little things. [00:02:51] Speaker B: Right. [00:02:52] Speaker A: It's often these little things that escalate into something much bigger. And isn't that what happened to you? [00:02:59] Speaker B: Yeah, that's what happened. You know, my, my situation was a tad different. It goes back childhood and the military just made it worse, you know, but yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:03:16] Speaker A: But I mean, do you think if, do you think if our marriage had been stronger. I'm not saying it was bad because I don't think it was terrible. I just think we didn't know each other fully. But do you think if, if our marriage had been stronger, maybe some of that wouldn't have happened or. No. [00:03:31] Speaker B: Maybe. Maybe. [00:03:33] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:03:33] Speaker B: I was a very sick guy. Had a lot of pent up anger and hurt and stress stuff. So, you know, a lot of stuff that was built up, a lot of stuff that I never resolved. And it will eat at, it'll wait. You can put a wall up all you want, a thick wall, no matter how thick it is, it'll slowly over time eat through it. And then when it exposes itself, you realize you were so deep into sin and so deep into, you know, things you should not be doing as a married man or as a single person. And you're doing them anyway just to get that feeling, a rush or whatever it is instead of talking to your spouse. Hey man, I'm bored. I need to do something. I need to do God stuff. But it's not just about doing things. It's about communication. You know, you gotta talk, you know, you gotta, you gotta watch each other emotions. And like just like today, you know, situation came up today and it's had me stressed out. Oh God, it's got me stressed out for a week now, I guess. And I just, I was thinking I was fine. You're like, dude, you're worked up. What's going on? I'm like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. But obviously I wasn't. But, you know, and then you were. [00:04:53] Speaker A: You were not remembering things correctly. You were just could tell their anxiety was super high and, and that was stressing me out too. [00:05:00] Speaker B: So. [00:05:04] Speaker A: Yeah, just learning your spouse and not in a judgmental way, but be like, hey, I noticed that you're really stressed out. [00:05:12] Speaker B: Right, Right. [00:05:14] Speaker A: Let's figure out why. You know, like, so I go into counselor mode as usual and I'm like, do you know why you feel that way? No, not really. Talk about it. [00:05:23] Speaker B: Talk about it. We're going to go to that first one. Emotional disconnect. [00:05:27] Speaker A: Yeah. So let's talk about, you know, the first predictor of Possible infidelity. [00:05:35] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:05:36] Speaker A: Would be emotional disconnect. [00:05:37] Speaker B: I think that. I think that whenever something like that is going on, you involuntarily disconnect. [00:05:44] Speaker A: What do you mean? Something like what? [00:05:46] Speaker B: Well, if infidel. [00:05:48] Speaker A: If it's happening. But that's what this. This is saying, hey, no, this could lead to infidelity if you're. There's an emotional disconnect in your marriage from your spouse. So what does that look like? That can look like. You stop talking about how you really feel, which is what we were just saying. You become roommates instead of partners, and. [00:06:05] Speaker B: Your conversations turn logistical instead of. [00:06:08] Speaker A: Yes. Are you picking up the kids? She has this carpet through 15. He has this. I'm picking up groceries. I need you to stop and get this. Like that kind of stuff, you know, Very, very logistical. Very boring. [00:06:20] Speaker B: Yeah, right. You don't laugh together. You know, I mean, I like. I tend to think that I'm a pretty funny guy. [00:06:27] Speaker A: Well, yeah, a lot of people. A lot of couples stop laughing together. [00:06:30] Speaker B: Well. And laughing. Laughing has an effect on your brain. Laughter helps you release those feel good feelings. Feel good. Whatever they're called. [00:06:38] Speaker A: Yeah, like dopamine. [00:06:39] Speaker B: Yeah, dopamine. And the more you laugh, the happier you are. And when couples become all business and forget that we're a married couple and just become like, couple that's living together, like roommate. That's when problems pop up. Yeah. [00:06:58] Speaker A: And how do you prevent that, though? [00:07:02] Speaker B: Communication. It's gotta be communication. [00:07:04] Speaker A: You think it's just communication? [00:07:06] Speaker B: Well, you gotta connect on every level. Physical, emotional, mental, sexual. [00:07:10] Speaker A: That's a good point. Okay, so what does that look like, practically? Yeah, you have to. That does fix a lot of things for some people. [00:07:21] Speaker B: Fix a good thing for a man. [00:07:23] Speaker A: Okay. [00:07:24] Speaker B: Yeah, but no, I think that. I think. Go ahead. I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry. [00:07:28] Speaker A: All right, so. So, okay. You have to connect on every level. That probably works for a man. Women need some other different things, right? Women need to be heard. They need to be heard. They need to know that you understand how they feel. [00:07:43] Speaker B: Like, if you see, we're doomed right there with that one phrase. We understand. We don't understand you guys at all. Y' all are an anomaly. [00:07:50] Speaker A: And it's not that we want you to fix it. I just want you to understand that I feel this way. Okay. You just sit there and listen to me talk about how I feel for four hours. No, but I think a lot of it is simple. I think it's simple things like, you know, going on date yeah. And not just going on date, just go on date, but actually date each other. Let me, like, what did you do when you, before you got married? Tap into that spontaneity that you had before. What did you guys do that was fun? [00:08:17] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:08:18] Speaker A: Try different things, go different places. [00:08:20] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:08:21] Speaker A: Don't keep going to the same restaurant every Friday night and ordering the same food. I mean, that's so predictable and boring. And I think a lot of times what happens in a marriage is people get bored. Bored. [00:08:32] Speaker B: Yeah, I think so. [00:08:33] Speaker A: I mean, I hate to say it. [00:08:34] Speaker B: Yeah, I think they get bored the marriage. And I think that, you know, once you get bored, the fire is gone, you quit communicating. There's no emotional, There's a serious emotional disconnect there. Yeah. And I think that. Yeah, definitely, definitely. [00:08:49] Speaker A: But something worth saying though is just because you get bored in that relationship and you go have an affair, guess what, you're going to get bored with that eventually and you're going to do it again. So if that's something like a pattern, then obviously there's something going on inside of the person that needs to dealt with. Right. But if we're just talking about a one time situation, you got bored and you had an affair, which is still wrong. It's. It makes you want to go back and say, okay, was there something we could have done that would have prevented that? [00:09:18] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:09:18] Speaker A: You know, because I don't, I don't think it's okay. I don't want to say that the person who had the affair, I don't want to push it back on the, on the person who was betrayed and say, well, you had a part to play in this, you did something wrong too. Because they did. Because the person that had the affair had a choice. [00:09:38] Speaker B: Right. [00:09:38] Speaker A: They always have a choice. [00:09:39] Speaker B: There's always a choice. [00:09:41] Speaker A: But could who have made the situation worse because of neglect of the marriage or because of. Because that is a fox that comes in neglecting your spouse. [00:09:50] Speaker B: Well, you get so caught up in. [00:09:51] Speaker A: A wide open door. [00:09:52] Speaker B: Get so caught up in your world and my world, our world. Even though they intersect construction wise and mortgage. Even though they've intersected once, horrible job. But I think that you get busy in your own world and you become, okay, I've got to provide, I'm a provider, I've got to work, work, gotta work. Yeah, well, because especially for a man. Now women, I understand y' all do the same. I'm not saying y' all don't work. [00:10:23] Speaker A: I think women do this with the kids. They're like I have to take care of the kids. And their kids become their whole life. I've seen that. [00:10:28] Speaker B: I have seen that. [00:10:29] Speaker A: And then the kids graduate and move out and the woman has no identity. [00:10:33] Speaker B: Yeah, because they get divorced. [00:10:35] Speaker A: They didn't know. [00:10:36] Speaker B: And then you got these kids in high school and they're out having their life. And then when they graduate and they leave, you're like, oh my God, I'm alone. [00:10:42] Speaker A: I'm alone. I don't even know the person I'm married. Been married to for 20 years now. [00:10:46] Speaker B: Right, right. [00:10:47] Speaker A: Because you grew apart. Because the truth is, the older you get, I mean, you will change. You just change, you know? [00:10:53] Speaker B: Well, it's a normal part of aging. [00:10:55] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:10:55] Speaker B: You know, people change. Your tastes change. Your, your, your what you enjoy changes sometimes, you know. Okay, you and I, for example, we are in bed by 7:30. Usual other couples that we know, they're out partying. It's between 9 and 11. [00:11:14] Speaker A: I don't really know any partiers, but I know people that stay up late. [00:11:17] Speaker B: Yeah, they stay up late, you know, but that's what I meant. They're staying up late, they're socializing or whatever they're doing. I don't know what they do at 9 o' clock at night because I'm usually asleep. But we just get caught in a rut, you know? We're like, okay, I'm tired. Okay, so we're not gonna go anywhere just because we're tired. [00:11:37] Speaker A: Yeah, sometimes you and I push through it. We did that the other night. We're like, we are gonna stay out till nine tonight. And we always have fun when we do it, you know, but when we get home, we're wired. We can't go to sleep. [00:11:48] Speaker B: Right, right, right. But we had fun that night though. We went to. What park was that? [00:11:52] Speaker A: Piney Park. [00:11:52] Speaker B: Piney park in Marshall. If you guys live in the east Texas area, go try it. Go check it out. Their light tunnel. Freaking cool. [00:12:00] Speaker A: Yeah, it's really fun. Usually, you know, most of the time people take their kids, but we were like, well, we're. We just want to go see it, you know? [00:12:06] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, they got. If you got little crib midgets out there, then they've got these big, huge. [00:12:12] Speaker A: He calls kids crib midgets. [00:12:13] Speaker B: Crib midgets or monsters? It depends on the kid. But they've got these huge bladders of air, I guess. And they're like 50 yards long. Yeah, they're huge. And you got kids jumping around on them. A jump blob thing yeah, they look like the fuel cells of the military. That's what I thought about when I saw. I was like, oh, my God, what the hell are fuel sales out here for? But, yeah, they got a bunch of things for kids. Santa was there this year. I didn't sit on his lap this time, unfortunately. But anyway, another thing that could cause a disruption in marriage is you avoid emotion, you avoid conflict, because it's just exhausting. [00:12:54] Speaker A: Yeah. So then you never work anything out because you have. That goes with it. [00:12:59] Speaker B: And another thing is you hide it. You hide your anxiety. You hide what you're upset about. And you're like, I'd rather just say that was you. [00:13:06] Speaker A: That was you. And, you know, I mean, you hid that so well from me because you didn't want me to think less of you, I think. But you were struggling with anxiety. [00:13:16] Speaker B: I was having a hard time. [00:13:17] Speaker A: So bad. And there was a lot of emotional need there that I didn't know you had, or I could have helped meet that in some way, but I didn't know. [00:13:26] Speaker B: Right. [00:13:27] Speaker A: So you felt all alone and you felt like, you know, I don't know. I guess that led to some of the ability. [00:13:34] Speaker B: I guess it could have, you know. It did. There was a lot of factors involved, but, yeah, if you feel that emotional disconnect and you don't feel like you talk and. Yeah, that definitely can. Absolutely. Yeah. [00:13:48] Speaker A: Okay. So that was, number one, emotional disconnect. [00:13:51] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:13:51] Speaker A: Well, so let's talk about how to protect it. Yeah. How do you protect your marriage from that? Which we kind of talked about, but, like, you know, creating these daily things, like a check in with each other. [00:14:05] Speaker B: Yes, absolutely. Praying together. We do that quite a lot. [00:14:08] Speaker A: Yeah, we do that. And that's probably what literally saved our marriage. It started with prayer. [00:14:12] Speaker B: Well, I was open to it. You know, God had just broken me down, and he continued to do that for a year. Just break me down. Nothing. There's this really cool TikTok going around about this little kid that's walking around stage. He says, God doesn't build you up. When he wants to teach you something, he breaks you down. And when he breaks you down, he breaks you down to your real self. I mean, this is my word. To your real self. And once you get down to who you really are and what you really are, then that's where God decides to start doing the work. And that makes sense, you know, because if you got all these falsities stuck on you and all these little attachments stuck on you, then God can't Get through the real. [00:14:55] Speaker A: Yeah. And you're pretending to be someone else, right? [00:14:58] Speaker B: Yeah. But once he exposes everything, once he does what God does, we might not agree with the ways he does it. God did not agree with it at all. But it had to come out. [00:15:10] Speaker A: There was no easy way. [00:15:10] Speaker B: There was no easy way for that to happen. But once it did, then because of you, the way you handled it was. You were just so full of grace. You were so full of forgiveness and grace always at the moment. There was moments when you weren't. But it was justified, you know, it really was. But also, you could practice honesty, even when it's uncomfortable. You know, if you ask me, hey, babe, how's this dress look on me? And I'm like, you look great. [00:15:42] Speaker A: You have a couple times. And I was like. [00:15:46] Speaker B: Well, you don't like being told that you don't look good in something. [00:15:48] Speaker A: Nobody does. [00:15:49] Speaker B: And it's not that I don't think you look good, because I do, but it's that that dress is just not flattering or something. You know? [00:16:02] Speaker A: Does every man. Every man's like, do I lie or do I have to tell the truth? I don't want to get in a fight, but whatever. Feelings, I don't know what to do. [00:16:09] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. [00:16:11] Speaker A: Yeah. And then, you know, like, learning how to make emotional connection the priority instead of the afterthought. [00:16:19] Speaker B: Right? [00:16:19] Speaker A: Like, so here's what so many people do, okay? So they. They're really lazy when it comes to their marriage and their relationship with God. Most people are. They are not very proactive at all. And so then all of a sudden, the fire starts. The wildfire starts. [00:16:33] Speaker B: Right? [00:16:33] Speaker A: Oh. Oh, my gosh. I need to. I need to put this fire out. I need to get the water. I need it. But really, honestly, if you'd been tending to it all along, it may not have ever happened. [00:16:41] Speaker B: Absolutely. Get the right amount of fertilizer, the right amount of water, right amount of light, you know, and it'll grow. [00:16:47] Speaker A: Well, I mean, we just have to be more intentional about making things a priority, people. Okay, I'm such a hypocrite, but I'm going to say this. People who are in shape and are fit, they don't just accidentally find themselves at the gym. They don't just accidentally eat right One day. It is very, very much part of their life and their routine. They make it a priority. And I think with marriage, if you don't have a regular time together where we say, okay, we're gonna prioritize our marriage, that Means for us, we're gonna go on a date every week. That means for us, we're going to sit down and talk at least 10 minutes a day, you know, or whatever. Whatever plan you make. Because there's no way to do that for everybody. Everybody's different. But what does that look like for you, making that plan and sticking with it? It's kind of like going to the doctor and getting your check. Like, you wouldn't know if you had not gone to the doctor. We wouldn't have found out some things that needed to be addressed with you. [00:17:42] Speaker B: Right. [00:17:42] Speaker A: And it would have just kept going until it became a real huge, well. [00:17:46] Speaker B: Killer thing, you know, I mean, I've been wound up dead on the floor like we never knew, but I'm glad that we got found out the way we did it. [00:17:53] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think that that's the same thing with a marriage. It's like these. These things help. And so does counseling, by the way, and coaching. They help kind of with this maintenance, after you get to the root of things, kind of help with the maintenance level. Okay. Like, I go to the chiropractor once a month, but when my back goes out, I have to go like three times a week for like a month straight. And then when it gets into alignment, then I can back off. I think it's the same type of thing. [00:18:19] Speaker B: There's a. Yeah. [00:18:20] Speaker A: Level. [00:18:21] Speaker B: Good. That's a good one. [00:18:22] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:22] Speaker B: But most people don't realize that affairs start with emotional. Unmet emotional needs. [00:18:26] Speaker A: Right. [00:18:27] Speaker B: It's very rarely opportunity driven, because in connection darts out temptation. If you're. Sorry, if you and your spouse are really connected or you and your significant other are really connected, then that is going to meet the emotional needs that you've got. [00:18:49] Speaker A: And I think that's worth saying that men have emotional needs. [00:18:54] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:18:55] Speaker A: So men have emotional needs just like women. And I think so many times men are like, oh, I don't need anything. I'm fine. I don't. I don't need to talk to you about the way I feel, because if I do that, that means I'm weak. That means I have needs. And men don't typically want to admit that they have needs. That's like a. No, no. In our culture is to. Is for a man to have any needs. So oftentimes what you find is a man who has a bunch of unmet emotional needs and a woman who's like, he won't talk to me. [00:19:29] Speaker B: Well, you know, there's. I watched another. Another video, and it was this woman this woman who had written a book on women and what they should expect, something like that. And a man went to her book sign and he's like, what are you gonna write a book about men? And she says, well, I don't cover women. He's like, well, that's a shame. And she said, well, why? She said, because my family, my daughters and my wife had rather see me die on my wife's work than just fall off. And that gave me chills when he said that, because that's what every man feels. [00:20:06] Speaker A: That's so sad. [00:20:07] Speaker B: That's what every man feels, is that you've got to be strong for your family. You got to be strong for work, got to be a provider, but then you have to have some time for yourself, which you give. That's the one big sacrifice that I think men make is this time to themselves. And I think that. I think that it's important for man to have man to man interaction. [00:20:32] Speaker A: Yes. Which you need. [00:20:33] Speaker B: Which I need. But, you know, at my age, it's kind of hard to say, hey, buddy, you want to be friends? [00:20:38] Speaker A: No, it's not. Our culture's made it weird, but it's not. [00:20:41] Speaker B: But I think that man has the white horse mentality where he's got to stay up there and look strong all the time, even though physically the guy's exhausted. [00:20:50] Speaker A: So when you say men have emotional needs, what are men's emotional needs? [00:20:54] Speaker B: Well, we need words of positive affirmation as well. You know, we need to think, hey, baby, lost some pounds, or, you look. [00:21:01] Speaker A: Good in that shirt, or you can do anything. [00:21:04] Speaker B: That's kind of. [00:21:05] Speaker A: No, I mean, like, when you started this business, I'm like, you can do this. [00:21:08] Speaker B: Yeah, well, that's probably funny about this business because I was kind of, like, forced into it. [00:21:13] Speaker A: Oh, I started it for you and handed it to you. [00:21:16] Speaker B: She's like, all right, now it's your time. But. But, yeah, I think that. I think that it's important for men to feel loved, even though we don't. [00:21:28] Speaker A: Tell you that, but you experience it different than women. [00:21:31] Speaker B: It's different. Yeah, it is different for us. Men aren't always about acts of service. You know, we're just like words of positive affirmation. [00:21:42] Speaker A: I think might be a little bit different, but. [00:21:45] Speaker B: Yeah, well, women are servant. [00:21:48] Speaker A: Well, women are all over the place. [00:21:50] Speaker B: Yeah, women are. [00:21:51] Speaker A: They're emotional, they need. They're sensitive. They need lots of affirmation. Usually most women, not all. [00:21:57] Speaker B: Yeah, but. But I think that with a man, we've been taught Especially over the past few years, because the whole male chauvinism thing came about Wokeness. [00:22:09] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. [00:22:10] Speaker B: It's got men afraid to speak up and say what they want or what they need or what they desire. So it's just kind of like, okay, here I am, and nobody gives a flip about me. [00:22:23] Speaker A: Right. [00:22:23] Speaker B: So. [00:22:24] Speaker A: Right. [00:22:24] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:22:25] Speaker A: That's heartbreaking. I hate that. Okay, let's look at. [00:22:31] Speaker B: Oh, number two. [00:22:34] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:22:34] Speaker B: Pretty dress. Hurt, bitterness, or resentment. Every marriage has it. Every marriage goes through it. Sometimes it can happen on a daily basis, and it could be something as simple as your spouse snaps at you while they're working. [00:22:51] Speaker A: Oh, that must have happened to you. [00:22:55] Speaker B: Or you can forget about your spouse while you're working. You know, I mean, it's not that we forget about you guys. It's if we get so caught up in our work that that's all we think. [00:23:06] Speaker A: Yeah, but I mean, I get caught up in what I'm doing, and then I get irritated when my concentration is broken. And it's not that I am at the person. It's just I was so focused on what I was doing, I'm like, what? What did you say? Absolutely, like, oh, I'm so sorry. [00:23:21] Speaker B: Yeah. But okay, so what this looks like is one is you're keeping score. Yeah, like, she did this tit for tat. Yeah, it's a tit for tat. Tit for tat is childish. [00:23:31] Speaker A: Yeah, but we do it. [00:23:32] Speaker B: We do it. Absolutely. We do it. [00:23:34] Speaker A: Like, oh, you did that? Well, let me. Let me. Let me do something that. [00:23:38] Speaker B: I know one of your favorite comeback tit for tat type of way. It is, like, I'll point out something that you did. Well, you do it, too. [00:23:47] Speaker A: You do xyz, I do xyz. [00:23:49] Speaker B: Anyway, we're changing the subject. [00:23:51] Speaker A: It is childish, but. And. And we're kind of joking. [00:23:53] Speaker B: But, yeah, we joke around. [00:23:54] Speaker A: Some people's unprocessed hurt can be like, feeling. A lot of women, I think, feel unheard. Or misunderstood. [00:24:03] Speaker B: Right. Yes. [00:24:04] Speaker A: And so I think if that goes on for years and years and years, and she's been trying to tell him, I need you to be more available to me emotionally. I need you to understand how I feel. [00:24:17] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:24:17] Speaker A: And he's not responding, or he's just like, you're fine, you know, whatever. Doesn't engage with her on that level or doesn't affirm her in some ways, after years of that, that can become just like unprocessed hurt and bitterness. It becomes. You know what? I don't even Know why I talk to you? You never listen anyway. [00:24:35] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:24:36] Speaker A: And, you know, I mean that. That can lead to infidelity, especially for women. Because I think with women, when they don't feel like they're noticed anymore, they don't feel beautiful. They don't feel like when they walk into the room, their husband's like, oh, my gosh. [00:24:49] Speaker B: Well, you know, there's always that thing about replaying old arguments and. But there's always somebody at your job that's going to say, oh, man, you do a great job. [00:24:56] Speaker A: Amazing. [00:24:57] Speaker B: I don't know how your husband doesn't notice that. [00:24:59] Speaker A: Right. [00:24:59] Speaker B: You know, or your wife doesn't notice that. [00:25:00] Speaker A: And that feels so good to you in the moment. [00:25:03] Speaker B: Yeah, in the moment. It does. It feels really good in the moment because you're getting that positive affirmation that everybody needs but nobody wants to admit to. [00:25:10] Speaker A: Right. [00:25:10] Speaker B: I'm gonna do it right now. I need it. I like it. You know, I like being told I'm good. I like being told I'm doing a good job. But also, replaying old arguments is a definite no. No. Once you argue about it, once you resolve it, it should be done. There should be no use. You can't be put up on a shelf, be used for later. [00:25:30] Speaker A: It's really hard when, you know, like, what we've walked through. And there are moments where things pop into my head, and I really want to bring them up, and I want to say something. I want to, like, get angry or I want to just, like, bring up something. So I wouldn't say random, but it's so not. Like, in the conversation that we're having, I'm just, like, remembering this thing that. About this detail that I want to know, and I'll just. Instead of, like, working through that on my own and just praying to the Lord and releasing it, I will ask. Ask you. And that ends up being a note, Healthy situation, not productive. Because oftentimes, you know, depending on where you are with your headspace, it might end up being like a. You might start getting defensive, and I'm trying to pull you back out of being defensive. And you're like, why are you asking me about that? We were just having a great time. And then you have to bring that up, and you're like, I have no idea. Why did I ask? Like, I don't even know why I did that. You know? So I think that that kind of unprocessed pain or replaying something. Something that the other person did, you know, that moth is driving me insane. [00:26:42] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:26:42] Speaker A: These. Sorry. That drives me insane. [00:26:48] Speaker B: Yeah. And it should. Anybody. It's gonna bother anybody. And, you know, I mean, sometimes people do it just to do it. You know, people can be petty in argument. I know I can. You know, if I get my little feelings hurt, I'm gonna be. I'm gonna try to hurt yours, too. [00:27:02] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, like, bringing up old wounds is. I think it's an indication that maybe you haven't worked through them all the way, you know? And I think as time goes on and the more that you spend time with the Lord and maybe get some counseling and really release that thing and forgive the person, you will stop constantly bringing it up. [00:27:20] Speaker B: Right. [00:27:20] Speaker A: But until that you feel heard by the other person. This is a good point, I think, is that if you are the offender in some way, you've done something to your spouse and you've hurt them, you need to let them say what you've done and tell you how they feel about it. You don't need to try to shut them down. You don't need to try to act like you didn't do anything wrong. They need to be heard. [00:27:41] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:27:42] Speaker A: And understood because you don't understand their pain. That's where frustration comes in. [00:27:47] Speaker B: Absolutely. I totally agree. [00:27:49] Speaker A: That's all you got to say about that. [00:27:53] Speaker B: Well, and I think letting wounds sit instead of working through them, that's what I mean. [00:27:58] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:27:58] Speaker B: Yeah. I think that when I was nursing, I knew I did a lot of wound care, and if you didn't put the right medication, the right bandage, change it as often as supposed to be changed. If you don't take care of that wound and you let it sit there and fester, it's going to get infected. It's going to be pus and drainage. [00:28:16] Speaker A: And then people lose their limbs. [00:28:18] Speaker B: You can lose. Well, you can lose your marriage because. [00:28:20] Speaker A: Somebody you worked with, she lost her foot or something. [00:28:23] Speaker B: Remember that was in Oklahoma. [00:28:26] Speaker A: It was something weird. Like, I don't know if she had her. I don't know why it happened. [00:28:31] Speaker B: She. Crazy story, man. She was. She was my med a back then. And she had cut her foot. She's a diabetic and she had cut her foot and diabetes. If you get a cut foot, it gets. It almost instantly gets infected. And she had let that thing go for so long. I think I sent you a picture of it. [00:28:56] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:28:56] Speaker B: Yeah. But we're sitting there at work one night or one day, and I kept smelling this odor. And I'm walking up down the hallway, I'm like, where is that coming From. And I go. And I'm standing beside this med aid, and I'm like, oh, my God, that's you. And I'm like, when's the last time you took care of that? And she just looked at me with real big eyes, and she's like, well, I haven't. And I'm like, look, I need you to take your shoe off right now and let me see it. But she wouldn't do it. She said she left and she went to the doctor. And then the next day, her foot was gone. It was gangrenous. It was gangrene all the way up to her knee. [00:29:35] Speaker A: Wow. How did she not know that? [00:29:37] Speaker B: She knew it, but she was not mentally sound. She was not. There's a lot of. There's a lot. [00:29:42] Speaker A: Imagine the pain level, too, of that. And I think if you correlate that to people with their emotional wounds and not getting the healing, it's like. It's like that. It just escalates until it becomes almost like you can't. There's. There's an. You can't go back. [00:29:59] Speaker B: Right. [00:29:59] Speaker A: Like, you went too far, and now the relationship's going to die because you let it go so far. [00:30:04] Speaker B: Yeah. You've got to take care of that wound. And if there's something that your spouse has done or set you in public or something like that, then you need to address that immediately, but you need to address it in a respectful way. [00:30:15] Speaker A: We do that pretty well. [00:30:16] Speaker B: I think we do that because, like, we don't really do that to each other in public. [00:30:19] Speaker A: There's been a couple of times where we've done this to each other. We said something. We'd be in front of the presence of other people who would say something to the other person, and it was like, not. It was kind of mean or just not appropriate. Not bad, but it was just, like, hurtful. And then we would leave, and the other person would be like, why did you say that to me? I don't appreciate that I was. [00:30:40] Speaker B: You talking about me. [00:30:40] Speaker A: I did it to you, too, a couple of times. And I'm like, I don't know why I did that. [00:30:43] Speaker B: I think we just get so caught up in the moment, right? And we just have mouth diarrhea. Just. Just let stuff come out. That's all. [00:30:52] Speaker A: Like, where did that even come from? You know? But even things like that can start small, and then you don't deal with it. You don't say, you know, that you hurt my feelings when you did that. Like, I don't know what you Meant. But this is how it felt to me. And what did you mean? [00:31:04] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:31:05] Speaker A: You know, and if you're mature enough, you can have a conversation with your spouse. [00:31:08] Speaker B: And don't get defensive. If you did something that genuinely offended your spouse or your girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever. If you do something that genuinely offends them, then it's up to you, as a man or a woman to sit there and listen to what they. What you say they did. Yeah. Or what they say you did. [00:31:23] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:31:24] Speaker B: And. And resolve. [00:31:25] Speaker A: And resolve it. If you don't resolve it, it will. It will fester. [00:31:29] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:31:29] Speaker A: And then there is assuming the worst in each other. I've seen people do this. [00:31:34] Speaker B: I have to. I've seen marriage. I'm like, they want us going to get divorced. [00:31:37] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:31:38] Speaker B: Like, you guys are miserable. [00:31:39] Speaker A: Hate each other. [00:31:41] Speaker B: You know, like, hey, so nursing. I don't like to keep going back to nursing, but in nursing, you've got this one nursing station, and you got, like, five nurses sitting at it. And they start talking, oh, my old man or my old lady did this last night. I just wanted to wring her neck. [00:31:57] Speaker A: And I'm like, you're saying her old man. I've never heard a woman do that. [00:32:01] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. [00:32:01] Speaker A: Old man. [00:32:02] Speaker B: Yeah. Wow. They say it sometimes, but. But it's just. And I'm like, have you talked to him about it? Well, no, because it just causes an argument. Well, then don't complain about it, you know, because you're not trying to resolve it to fix it. You're just sitting there getting angry about. So. [00:32:20] Speaker A: But how does that correlate to assuming the worst in each other? [00:32:24] Speaker B: Well, because if something, they're going to automatically assume that there's going to be an argument if they say something. You know what I mean? [00:32:32] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:32:33] Speaker B: Like, oh, I know her. I can't talk to her about this. [00:32:35] Speaker A: Yeah. I also think, like, I have to make decisions every day where I'm like, I have a choice. I can. I can trust in you, the person that you are now, and God in you, and assume the best. Or I can assume the worst every time you leave the house. I can assume the worst if I want to. [00:32:55] Speaker B: Right. [00:32:55] Speaker A: You know, about what you're gonna do, where you're gonna be. And I. I'm telling you, I've been down both roads, and I don't want to go down that assuming the worst road because that is a torturous place to be for anyone to live in a place. And it's kind of like judgment, honestly. It's like you're judging the other person and they haven't even done anything yet. You know what I mean? [00:33:13] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:33:13] Speaker A: You're just prejudging them. And honestly, only God is our judge. [00:33:17] Speaker B: Yeah, we can't. We don't have the right to judge anyone. You know, we're not. [00:33:20] Speaker A: Right. [00:33:21] Speaker B: Not anybody's jury. We're not anybody's judge. We're not anybody's. It's not up to me to keep somebody accountable. They should do that. They're adults already. You see somebody doing something wrong, I think you should try to steer them but not ride them about it. Does that make sense? [00:33:39] Speaker A: Yeah, but I mean, in the context of marriage, I think that. Make an effort to not assume the worst. I'm not saying be gullible and stupid and naive, but don't always assume that your spouse is lying to you or is a terrible person or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, if you feel that way, you internally need to dialogue with the Lord. Like there's something going on with you that the Lord needs to work through. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, the other person may have done some things. I get that. But that is not a Christ like attitude. So that's reflecting pain that you have that you haven't worked through. Probably. [00:34:17] Speaker B: That's absolutely correct. Absolutely. [00:34:19] Speaker A: So I probably made somebody mad on that. But, you know, I've been there. [00:34:22] Speaker B: But, you know, when the heart hardens, the marriage becomes spiritually exposed. Yeah. And a wounded heart doesn't look for sin, but you got these little gremlins running around and they see that you have a wounded heart and hurt feelings, but they're going to jump in and say, hey, but this person over here is going to respect you. [00:34:39] Speaker A: Yeah. The devil knows how to set you up with something. [00:34:42] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:34:43] Speaker A: Put you in the right place at the right time. [00:34:45] Speaker B: And you just have to remember Satan's a liar. [00:34:46] Speaker A: Send that. Send that, you know, person into your life. That is temptation for you, for sure. [00:34:55] Speaker B: Right. [00:34:55] Speaker A: And I'm gonna. I'm just gonna say this nicely. I have been in church situation situations, multiple church situations where, you know, there were affairs between people on staff, worship leaders. [00:35:12] Speaker B: Right. [00:35:13] Speaker A: People that were serving as musicians, band members. I've seen so much infidelity in the church. And it really makes you realize how hard Satan worked to get in and divide people in. In those positions or when people are doing the work of God and things are changing. He will try to find the weakest link in the group, in the marriage. He'll try to find the weakest marriage and work his way in there. I've seen it so many times. [00:35:41] Speaker B: Well, Satan's had thousands of years back skill. And if you leave that opening, he's coming in. [00:35:49] Speaker A: Yeah. And that's all about catching the foxes. Because if you take care of your emotional needs between you and your spouse, if you are emotionally regulated, you're not disconnected, and you are processing hurt pain with each other and communicating. And you'll do a much better job of keeping that gate closed where he can't get in. [00:36:09] Speaker B: Right. And a neglected wound does become a doorway. Like, we've already covered it. That one spot where you were hurt, it's going to come in. He's going to wreck it. Best thing you can do is communicate. [00:36:24] Speaker A: Yeah. And knowing when to get help. I mean, sometimes that wound is just too, too big for you to try to dress yourself. And you might need to get a counselor. Just you by yourself. It's okay to go by yourself for counseling, even about your marriage. [00:36:39] Speaker B: And if someone does say something that hurts your feelings, then it's really important that you use the word forgive. Forgiveness. Well, if some. If just say we're talking about something and you snap without even meaning to, I don't need to carry that. I need to immediately forgive and move forward because I know that in your heart you didn't mean to do that. [00:36:59] Speaker A: I think that that's, you know, assuming the best about your spouse instead of the worst. And I think it's also giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Okay, so like other day, I can't remember what it was you did, but my little childish fleshly side was like, mad. And then I was like, I ain't got time to get mad. Whatever. I don't even care. Okay, you did that. [00:37:21] Speaker B: Fine. [00:37:21] Speaker A: I don't even care. Like, it was just like, I just. [00:37:23] Speaker B: I don't even remember what I did. [00:37:24] Speaker A: I don't remember what it was either. It wasn't that big of a deal. I don't remember something you said or something you did. It was childish. But I was like, I'm not going down that road. I'm just not doing it. [00:37:35] Speaker B: Wow. [00:37:36] Speaker A: But I just said, I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna forgive you. Even you didn't even know you did anything. [00:37:40] Speaker B: But I just let it. Because you know what? A lot of times you don't realize that you've hurt that person's feelings until they come up and help. So this whole time you're carrying around that anger or that poor pitiful me thing about something that I said or Something that you said, and it's not necessary because you don't even realize that you did it. Yeah. [00:37:58] Speaker A: You're over here in your own world. Another person doesn't even know they did anything to you. [00:38:03] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:38:04] Speaker A: You're just carrying this offense around like a, you know, chain around. Ball and chain around you. [00:38:10] Speaker B: Okay. So you've got conflict going on. Your marriage is a little bit vulnerable. You have to set boundaries outside of your marriage. [00:38:19] Speaker A: I don't think people know what boundaries are anymore. [00:38:22] Speaker B: Okay, well, you know, this is something that you and I have talked about. [00:38:25] Speaker A: Yeah. We just talked about that today. [00:38:27] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay. And what a boundary is is that I'm not going to talk to women. I'm not going to be around other women. I'm not going to hug other women. I'm not going to do anything that's going to cause you to have anxiety. And it's not out of fear. It's out of respect for you that that's going to happen. I think that's the boundary. Don't let someone come in and say, man, you know what? I just don't think that. I don't think they appreciate you're such an awesome person. [00:38:56] Speaker A: You talk about somebody the opposite sex. [00:38:58] Speaker B: Yeah. Somebody the opposite sex. Yeah. Or even a friend come in and say, you know what? Those friends could be dogs. [00:39:04] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:39:05] Speaker B: You know, but they can. They can come in, they say, you know what? I don't think they appreciate you. You need to divorce him. I got another man you can have or another woman you can have. Have. Keep out the negative influence. [00:39:17] Speaker A: Yeah. Build those boundaries. [00:39:18] Speaker B: Your. [00:39:19] Speaker A: Your marriage is way more important than any other relationship in your life. And if you're not willing to cut other people off that aren't in your marriage, something's wrong. [00:39:29] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:39:29] Speaker A: I get it. If it's your family, that's a hard one. And you still have to have boundaries there. Your. Your spouse still has to come first. [00:39:35] Speaker B: Yes. [00:39:35] Speaker A: But when it's a friend or coworker and you're. You don't want to give up that relationship, something's wrong. And you need to. You need to reevaluate yourself, because your spouse has every right to say, I don't want you around that person anymore because it makes me feel super uncomfortable or whatever. I'm not saying, like, being manipulated by your spouse, but I'm saying within reason. You know, somebody is. They just sense that something is not right in that situation. [00:40:02] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:40:05] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay. You want to talk about number three? [00:40:07] Speaker B: Let's do it. [00:40:08] Speaker A: Predictor number three. [00:40:10] Speaker B: And this is the most predictable path to infidelity. And couples really, a lot of times they don't even recognize what it is. But one is innocent text conversations with someone of the opposite sex. [00:40:20] Speaker A: Well, it's called boundary drift. And so what we were just talking about leads into this boundary drift. So this is where you, you know, you had boundaries initially. You're like, okay, in our marriage, we don't text with people of the opposite sex. Sex, whatever. Right. We don't meet other people for coffee or lunch if it's not business related. Whatever. [00:40:45] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:40:45] Speaker A: Because that is something I had to do sometimes and I can't help it. [00:40:48] Speaker B: Right. And I will have to eventually meet people. Like, I had to go to that lady's house here in Henderson the other day. [00:40:53] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:40:54] Speaker B: And I give her an estimate, by the way. But yeah, don't do it, don't do it secretly. You know, text conversations start off innocent, but they can usually devolve very, very quickly. [00:41:05] Speaker A: I think that was the case. It was just a work thing and then it just became. [00:41:09] Speaker B: It was. [00:41:11] Speaker A: Yeah. And a lot of people do that. And I think that because social media is so readily available, everybody has a cell phone, a smartphone now. Do you know, a lot of, I mean, people are incredibly creative and they'll figure out ways to have affairs, but I think with the way the technology is now, it's so much easier for people to have affairs non stop. [00:41:30] Speaker B: It is easier. Much easier. [00:41:31] Speaker A: You know, I mean, there's so many more traps sitting out there for you. Like, I mean, it just takes one text from somebody that maybe you think that person's attractive and they noticed you and, oh my gosh, they noticed me. And then all of a sudden you start feeling like butterflies and you're like, God, you know, like that is how it starts for so many people. [00:41:52] Speaker B: Absolutely is how it starts. [00:41:54] Speaker A: That's why I'm not a fan of men and women texting each other, even if that's between you and your spouse. But I just don't like it if you need to text me and you're a man. Maybe we should group text with my husband. You know what I mean? Like, I would prefer it be that way. Like, I don't want you having your own little text thread going with my spouse. Some people like using WhatsApp and using all these awful apps to like hide their conversations and giving themselves different names. [00:42:22] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:42:23] Speaker A: It's unbelievable the link people will go to to hide their affairs. [00:42:26] Speaker B: Yes, it is. [00:42:27] Speaker A: You know. [00:42:28] Speaker B: Yes, it is. Okay. Another thing that you're not supposed to do is you don't vent someone else. [00:42:32] Speaker A: I think that's probably the worst thing you could ever do. [00:42:34] Speaker B: You know, it's very, very sad that when you do that, it's like you're talking bad about someone who you're supposed to be spending the rest of your life with in a negative way. The opposite sex. And we keep going back to this. They're going to say, oh, well, they don't appreciate you. [00:42:47] Speaker A: Like I would. Yeah, you're opening the door, man. [00:42:49] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:42:50] Speaker A: You're just opening the door. It's like, did you want to open the door? [00:42:53] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:42:54] Speaker A: Because you just made it so easy for the devil to come in and go, oh, thanks. Let me destroy your life. [00:43:00] Speaker B: You just left the door open for me, man. This is where that story of the man who has exorcised the demon, but he said, hollow on the inside. And three more came in behind him. Seven more came in behind him. [00:43:11] Speaker A: I'm talking about this man was full of demons by the time it was said and done, you know? Yeah, absolutely. But also, I think a lot of people keep secret. [00:43:21] Speaker B: They do. And the whole thing, like, it's not a big deal. Well, this ties up to the. To the texting conversation. [00:43:26] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:43:28] Speaker B: You have access to my phone 24 hours a day. [00:43:31] Speaker A: You know what? And while we're saying this, and I'm not going to go any. I'm just going to keep it really superficial, but there have been men that have messaged me on Facebook and I have told you. Yeah, because I did not. I did not ever want you to find it and be like, what is this? [00:43:45] Speaker B: Right. [00:43:46] Speaker A: And that would open a door for you to be insecure and be like, why is she talking to this person behind my back? You know? So all those little things matter, and they are a big deal. [00:43:55] Speaker B: Yeah. We had the Latin lover that wanted to hook up with you. [00:43:59] Speaker A: Yeah, whatever. [00:44:00] Speaker B: We never figured out what his name was. But anyway, also, social media interactions. Social media is a death trap. [00:44:14] Speaker A: I wondered if it's from the devil. [00:44:15] Speaker B: To be honest with you. On social media, I'm making friends with other people who are in a similar business as I am. Like real estate, like other. Other woodworkers, other construction guys. You know, if you own a construction company, I want to be your friend. Because eventually maybe we can start showing each other work. Like his plumber texted the other day, a guy, hey, man, you need plumbing, let me know. I was like, well, heck, you have anybody that needs any construction, let me know. [00:44:42] Speaker A: Right? [00:44:42] Speaker B: You know? So there you go. [00:44:44] Speaker A: But yeah, yeah. [00:44:46] Speaker B: Social media. [00:44:47] Speaker A: I think you've got to be really careful with social media. And that's just an individual couple things where you've got to decide, like, okay, I think it's best, and we're in agreement, know that we don't have social media or, you know, have one or whatever. Like, depends on, like, the circumstances. If the person has a really bad problem and they've shown in the past that they can't be trusted, it might be best to just like, not even have. But then you're like, okay, are they having a secret one behind my back? Because that happened. [00:45:14] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:45:14] Speaker A: I mean, all the time people have a whole other phone that nobody knows about. [00:45:18] Speaker B: Oh, God. [00:45:19] Speaker A: With different names. And it's just. It's a rabbit hole you don't want to go down, but. [00:45:24] Speaker B: And it's always found out. [00:45:26] Speaker A: It is. It's going to come to the surface. [00:45:27] Speaker B: It is going to come. Especially if you're a Christian. God will. God will bring that soup out. [00:45:33] Speaker A: And if you got a praying spouse, he's going to bring it out. So that's all I can say, ladies and gentlemen, is, you know, if you have suspicions, instead of like going on a detective hunt, which I know you will. I did that. Can't help yourself. You actually just want to pray and you want to just ask the Lord to expose you. [00:45:49] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:45:50] Speaker A: Because he has ways of exposing things that we could never do on our own. And if you're that concerned about it, turn it over to him for sure. [00:45:59] Speaker B: Well. And if you feel excitement when someone else is interacting with you, that is a definite red flag. And that is definitely. I like that word. Boundary drift. I like their saying. I like that. But. But if you, if you get excited whenever you're here that somebody's coming to your home or you're going to meet them somewhere, that's a definite red flag. [00:46:16] Speaker A: Or when your phone goes off and it's them texting you or you see them at work and. And then you're like, hey, you want to just like go get some coffee real quick? And then the boundary just keeps drifting. And then before you know it, you're in a full. I mean, I've heard stories, I've listened to them, different people's testimonies about this. And I'll throw this in here really quick because I think it goes very well with this. I watched this woman and her husband talk about their marriage and how it was just catastrophically destroyed because they had gotten so busy and they were in ministry together and he was gone. All day long, he was gone all day at the church or whatever. She was at home with the kids, and she thought she was fine. And then one day, she's serving at church or something, and this younger guy who was also. I don't know if he was on staff or what, but he just started showing her attention. And it started out with just, oh, my gosh, that made me feel so good. You know, she's like, wow. And then. And then it kind of drifts into getting a little more, you know, inappropriate, and then they're texting each other, and then that turns into something else, and before you know it, she gets caught at the hotel with this guy who's way younger than her. Oh, and you talk about devastating her husband, who had no idea what was going on, but he stayed with her and helped her work through it because he realized that then they realized that she had all of this, like, emotional vortex. She had these issues that were so deep. And that's usually the issue with people who cheat is there's a huge need underneath all of this. And I'm not excusing their actions, but I'm saying there's something else going on. And that's what happened with her. And, you know. But he forgave her. They worked it out. They have a beautiful marriage now. But that boundary just kept drifting and drifting, and there was always a reason to let it drift. Well, you know, it's just this. Oh, it just. Let's just excuse that it wasn't that. [00:48:12] Speaker B: Big of a deal. If you have to make an excuse for it, it's wrong. [00:48:15] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. [00:48:16] Speaker B: If you've got to make an excuse and justify why you're talking to someone of the opposite sex, it's wrong. [00:48:24] Speaker A: Like, would you. Would you. Let's see. If Jesus were sitting right there with you, would you still talk to that person if you really believe. Like, that's how I would determine it. [00:48:36] Speaker B: Absolutely. I agree with that. [00:48:37] Speaker A: Or my mom. If my mom is in the room, would I be talking to this person? Like this? [00:48:44] Speaker B: Lord, no. [00:48:45] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. So, yeah. [00:48:48] Speaker B: Well, you need to remember, guys, that infidelity always starts with slow drill. [00:48:52] Speaker A: Yeah, it doesn't. [00:48:54] Speaker B: Yeah. It's not a huge. [00:48:55] Speaker A: Not usually. [00:48:56] Speaker B: Yeah. It's just like, we've already discussed smiling at each other, talking to each other, texting with each other, and it just completely devolves from there. And secrets happen. [00:49:09] Speaker A: Yeah. So just some practical takeaways from that predictor is not. You know, don't have private conversations that you wouldn't show your spouse yes. Don't vent or emotional dump outside of your marriage. If you got to do that, find a girlfriend or if you're a woman. [00:49:24] Speaker B: Right. [00:49:25] Speaker A: Find a friend, a female friend. If you're a man, find a male friend and talk to them a little bit about it. Don't find someone of the opposite sex. And that's really hard because it's like you want a man's opinion if you're a woman. Okay. You want a man's, but that's dangerous. Avoid one on one time that create emotional intimacy with someone else. That can be challenging when you have to work on the road or like you are working these 12 hour shifts or 15 hour shifts sometimes, you know. [00:49:51] Speaker B: Absolutely. You got to keep your heart guarded. [00:49:53] Speaker A: And I want to say real quick, if you're in nursing, you should be super careful because what I've found out about nursing nurses is it's such a stressful environment and the hours and doctors, the hours are so long that it's very common for infidelity. [00:50:11] Speaker B: Yes, it is. [00:50:12] Speaker A: To be rampant in nursing. [00:50:14] Speaker B: Well before you even know what's happening. [00:50:16] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think it's because of the stress of the job. [00:50:19] Speaker B: Well, you're, you're with the, you with another nurse more than you with your own family. [00:50:22] Speaker A: Yeah, I don't like that. [00:50:23] Speaker B: You know, I mean, that's just the business though. You work for 12 to 15 hour days. You know, you go in at 6 in the morning. You don't get home to like 8 or 9 o' clock at night. It's just time to go to bed. [00:50:35] Speaker A: Right. [00:50:36] Speaker B: You have spent 15 hours or 16 hours with somebody the opposite set. Are you spending more time with them? [00:50:42] Speaker A: And I hated that because you were a male in a very female predominant profession and I always hated that. Which is probably not good for guys. [00:50:53] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:50:55] Speaker A: Okay, so let's talk about how to use these predictors as protection and not fear. Because what we don't want to do is, you know, incite fear in people. So, you know, awareness isn't fear, it's wisdom. It's just a little bit of wisdom to notice things and to be more, a little more aware. [00:51:12] Speaker B: Well, you know how I act and I know how you act. And if you start seeing something that's concerning that you need to talk and say, hey, you know, I'm noticing some things going on here and every time this person comes around, you get nervous, sweaty and yeah, definitely, absolutely. [00:51:30] Speaker A: Don't avoid it. Don't stuff under the rug. Don't act like you didn't see It. So one of the problems I've had in the past is being living in denial about things, not wanting to face it. So my go to is just deny it, act like it didn't happen. [00:51:43] Speaker B: Right. [00:51:44] Speaker A: And then I keep thinking it's going to go away, but it doesn't. So if you feel like something is not right, you definitely need to have a conversation with. [00:51:54] Speaker B: Absolutely, absolutely. And you don't have to be perfect, guys. You just have to be intentional perfection. There is no one that's perfect. The only person who's ever perfect is Jesus Christ. You have to do things with intention. You can't just sit there and halfway. [00:52:11] Speaker A: Do anything or just think it's gonna happen on its own. [00:52:14] Speaker B: Right. [00:52:15] Speaker A: Because your marriage is gonna be amazing and you didn't even do anything. [00:52:18] Speaker B: Well, you know, a lot of times people get married and think it's just gonna be all unicorns and rainbow with rain and gumdrops. And that is not marriage. Marriage is work. Marriage is a full time job. [00:52:28] Speaker A: Marriage is dying to yourself. But there's also good parts of marriage. If you put God in the center of it, he can absolutely make it an enjoyable experience where you have some rough patches. Yeah, you will. But I think the good times will far outweigh the bad. If God's in the center of your marriage and then I think, you know, God will strengthen the areas that you're willing to surrender. That's the thing. Are you willing to surrender an area to God? Like for women, that's going to be like troll. Okay, so women, but be careful, desire to control. Because we feel, we just feel like, because I hate to say this, but because we're the weaker sex, quote, unquote. I hate to say it that way, but I don't know how else to say it. I mean, that's pretty much how the Bible describes it. And we are not being a bad thing, but just being physically weaker than a man, that makes us automatically feel very vulnerable. [00:53:27] Speaker B: It does. [00:53:28] Speaker A: Very unsafe. [00:53:29] Speaker B: Yes, it does. [00:53:30] Speaker A: And so I think control is one of the ways that we try to take our power back from men. Is, is I can control him, then I can control the outcome. I can keep myself safe. You, you as a woman, you have to learn how to surrender that to God. [00:53:45] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:53:45] Speaker A: And that's a work man. That is something spirit has to do. [00:53:50] Speaker B: But be careful when you ask that God to do that, when you ask God to intervene, or when you ask God to strengthen the areas that you're willing to surrender because he's gonna come in with a Wrecking ball. And he is going to clean out that closet. [00:54:05] Speaker A: Man, you make him sound like he's so dis. [00:54:07] Speaker B: No, no. Look, I love the Lord. I do. But my living testimony is that he wrecked. [00:54:14] Speaker A: Cause you wouldn't listen. [00:54:15] Speaker B: Right. And plus, he let me wreck myself before he stepped in and finished the job off. But no, I love the Lord. And I'm thankful for how God treated me over the past year and a half. I'm really thankful for that because I've got a relationship now with God that I've never had in my life. You know, there were times when I'd walk with the Lord, but I always strayed away. But this time here, it's just like my soul is great, you know? It is. Yep. [00:54:44] Speaker A: He lives inside of you. [00:54:45] Speaker B: He does. [00:54:45] Speaker A: Get away from him. Yep. So I guess we should kind of wrap this up and do it. How do you want to wrap that? [00:54:53] Speaker B: Let's do a prayer. [00:54:54] Speaker A: All right. [00:54:55] Speaker B: Go for it. Lord, reveal any area in our marriage that needs healing, connection, stronger boundaries. Help us protect what you entrusted us with. Guard our hearts, Unite us and restore anything that has way. Amen. [00:55:12] Speaker A: Yeah, that's definitely a prayer he wants to answer. And he will answer, because the motive is right. Lord, come into this marriage, restore it, reveal things, strengthen us, bring us back into unity. Because a unified marriage is a marriage that God can use for kingdom purpose, which is really the ultimate goal of every marriage. It's not even about you being happy or you being fulfilled. It's really about God advancing the kingdom, his kingdom in the earth. We just get to enjoy a beautiful marriage as a byproduct. [00:55:45] Speaker B: Absolutely right. Yeah. [00:55:47] Speaker A: So if you and your spouse feel vulnerable in any of those areas that we talked about today, you are not alone. We love to pray with you, to talk with you, or help you determine whether you need counseling, coaching, or a simple reset. So send us a Message@Shanna Williams.com. let us know where you are, what you're thinking, what you need. We'd love to set up a call with you and talk to you, see if there's any ways that we can help you. [00:56:15] Speaker B: That's right. And remember, 55% of the marriage in this country end up in divorce. [00:56:20] Speaker A: It's something like that. It used to be 50, but I think it is. [00:56:22] Speaker B: I think it's growing up a little bit. So we need to change those numbers. Divorce has become. [00:56:29] Speaker A: Easy, the norm. [00:56:30] Speaker B: Yeah, divorce has become the norm, but we need to make the divorce an audit. I have given my wife more than one reason to divorce. Since we've been together, and only through her love, forgiveness, and steadfastness have we managed to stay where we are. But I'm not afraid to admit that. But. I just lost myself. Yeah, but divorce has become too easy. And whenever we go to a lawyer first instead of going to a counselor or someone that can talk to us, that's where the problem. [00:57:08] Speaker A: Yeah. Have you exhausted every option before you turn to that? [00:57:12] Speaker B: You know, help us help you save you thousands? [00:57:15] Speaker A: Yeah. You know, I think. And that's a. That's a good point to make. I mean, going through a reboot with us, it does cost a little money, but it's way cheaper than a divorce would be. [00:57:24] Speaker B: It is. [00:57:24] Speaker A: And it's so much better. [00:57:26] Speaker B: It's better on your kids, better on. [00:57:27] Speaker A: Your kids, better on your pocketbook, better on your life in general. So reach out to us if there's any way or if you just want to get more information about the marriage reboot or marriage coaching. And our. We also have courses that we teach as well or take you through, actually. So any of those options would be amazing, probably, for. For anybody that's serious about changing their marriage, making it better. [00:57:50] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:57:50] Speaker A: That is it for this week. [00:57:52] Speaker B: That's it. [00:57:52] Speaker A: I guess we will talk to you or see you guys. [00:57:54] Speaker B: I'm sorry for a late. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope you're full of chess, pie, cake, turkey, and whatever else. [00:58:01] Speaker A: £25. Yeah. [00:58:02] Speaker B: I've gained £4. [00:58:03] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:58:05] Speaker B: Yeah. But anyway, Lord, I hope you'll have a blessed night. [00:58:10] Speaker A: Yep. Bye. [00:58:11] Speaker B: Okay.